Who do you put first? Second wife or child?

[Anonymous]

One of my roommates a couple years back was a 15 year old girl who couldn't get along with her stepmom. Her dad's solution was to pay for her to rent a room in our apartment with college students so she was basically on her own with us. It seems that he is putting the wife first. I'm torn about this... if it really gets that bad, do you put your wife or child first?

[Anonymous]

You have no idea about what really occurred. Perhaps dad saw daughter was turning into a shrew just like ex wife.

[Anonymous]

I'm torn as well. All the literature says "put your spouse first" but most of us don't, we put our child first. And just because your child was there first, doesn't mean she gets to be first.

But ... it depends upon needs, I suppose, too. 15 year old in an apartment??? Sounds fishy to me.

[Anonymous]

Agree that you don't know all the details. I don't see that as him putting anyone first. He didn't kick the daughter out on the streets. Also, a child has no say who his dad will marry or spend the rest of his life with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have no idea about what really occurred. Perhaps dad saw daughter was turning into a shrew just like ex wife.

she's only 15!

[Anonymous]

Putting your spouse first doesn't mean neglecting your child. It just means giving your marriage the priority it needs to remain strong and healthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree that you don't know all the details. I don't see that as him putting anyone first. He didn't kick the daughter out on the streets. Also, a child has no say who his dad will marry or spend the rest of his life with.

Yep, this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Putting your spouse first doesn't mean neglecting your child. It just means giving your marriage the priority it needs to remain strong and healthy.

Agreed. I hate this "putting spouse over child" nonsense on these boards.

[Anonymous]

Most of us actually are able to balance our spouse and our children. If my DD had a major conflict with my DH (her stepdad), she wouldn't be sent to live in an apartment. We would work it out. If it was a safety issue (if he was molesting her or beating her), I would absolutely throw him out. If it was her being a jerk teenager, she would just have to suck it up, the same way she would if DH was her bio dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm torn as well. All the literature says "put your spouse first" but most of us don't, we put our child first. And just because your child was there first, doesn't mean she gets to be first.

But ... it depends upon needs, I suppose, too. 15 year old in an apartment??? Sounds fishy to me.

You put the spouse first when it is a first marriage and children are involved.

You put the child first when it is a second marriage you put the children first and the new spouse second.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have no idea about what really occurred. Perhaps dad saw daughter was turning into a shrew just like ex wife.

she's only 15!

No kidding. Wouldn't it be illegal?

[Anonymous]

My kid ALWAYS comes first. I can replace a spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most of us actually are able to balance our spouse and our children. If my DD had a major conflict with my DH (her stepdad), she wouldn't be sent to live in an apartment. We would work it out. If it was a safety issue (if he was molesting her or beating her), I would absolutely throw him out. If it was her being a jerk teenager, she would just have to suck it up, the same way she would if DH was her bio dad.

+1. "Putting one first" implies they are separate and easily distinguishable. If you only pay attention to your marriage you will have an unhealthy child. If you only pay attention to your child you will have an unhappy marriage.

What you really need to do is prioritize both and that begins with not marrying someone who would attempt to damage the relationship with the child but instead someone for whom the mental health of the child is at least almost as important as it is for you.

[Anonymous]

The Bible has the answer. It applies to first spouses only.
Let no man put asunder. 2nd marriages and on you get what you get.

[Anonymous]

No freaking way would I have shared a group rental with a 15 year old kid like that. No freaking way.

Forget this nutty father for a minute. Why did YOU agree to that arrangement?