Who do you put first? Second wife or child?

[Anonymous]

That guy is/was a grade A a-hole who put himself and his own needs above all else. What a lousy excuse for a father that was.

[Anonymous]

Child always. and I'm a second wife. but I would not want to be married to someone who neglected his child.

[Anonymous]

My ex definitely puts the second wife before his child. In fact, he puts the step daughter above his biological child. In one respect, I do believe he is trying to be a better husband this time around, but it comes at the expense of his son.
DS likes the stepmom and daughter but does not feel like he is part of the new family at all.

Ex takes wife and step daughter on several very expensive vacations each year and a couple trips to Disney, but he never includes his son (14). He spends 24 hours with his son every other weekend. Son recognizes that he is not a priority and is having a hard time coping with that knowledge.

I don't throw his Dad under the bus (I never speak badly about him to my son), but I can't tell my son that he is wrong in this case. I do try to show my son some of the other ways that his father expresses his love for him -- but that's not easy either.

I think a healthier option would be to find a balance that fosters both relationships.

[Anonymous]

That dad was a HUGE dick. Who knows what issues/harm he inflicted upon that poor girl.

[Anonymous]

The poor girl. Who leaves a 15 yr old girl on her own.? Someone should report him for child neglect

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The poor girl. Who leaves a 15 yr old girl on her own.? Someone should report him for child neglect

+1 this isn't just "putting the new wife first". This is actual child neglect, and I don't even know that it's legal. That man is a massive a$$ and a terrible father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ex definitely puts the second wife before his child. In fact, he puts the step daughter above his biological child. In one respect, I do believe he is trying to be a better husband this time around, but it comes at the expense of his son.
DS likes the stepmom and daughter but does not feel like he is part of the new family at all.

Ex takes wife and step daughter on several very expensive vacations each year and a couple trips to Disney, but he never includes his son (14). He spends 24 hours with his son every other weekend. Son recognizes that he is not a priority and is having a hard time coping with that knowledge.

I don't throw his Dad under the bus (I never speak badly about him to my son), but I can't tell my son that he is wrong in this case. I do try to show my son some of the other ways that his father expresses his love for him -- but that's not easy either.

I think a healthier option would be to find a balance that fosters both relationships.

I think it's more like they are living their life when your child isn't there.

At 14 he probably has his own friends and doesn't always want to go to dad's.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The poor girl. Who leaves a 15 yr old girl on her own.? Someone should report him for child neglect

+1 this isn't just "putting the new wife first". This is actual child neglect, and I don't even know that it's legal. That man is a massive a$$ and a terrible father.

+1

[Anonymous]

I think there needs to be a balance but kicking the 15yo out is awful and probably illegal. What a dick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm torn as well. All the literature says "put your spouse first" but most of us don't, we put our child first. And just because your child was there first, doesn't mean she gets to be first.

But ... it depends upon needs, I suppose, too. 15 year old in an apartment??? Sounds fishy to me.

You put the spouse first when it is a first marriage and children are involved.

You put the child first when it is a second marriage you put the children first and the new spouse second.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Child always. and I'm a second wife. but I would not want to be married to someone who neglected his child.

Same here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ex definitely puts the second wife before his child. In fact, he puts the step daughter above his biological child. In one respect, I do believe he is trying to be a better husband this time around, but it comes at the expense of his son.
DS likes the stepmom and daughter but does not feel like he is part of the new family at all.

Ex takes wife and step daughter on several very expensive vacations each year and a couple trips to Disney, but he never includes his son (14). He spends 24 hours with his son every other weekend. Son recognizes that he is not a priority and is having a hard time coping with that knowledge.

I don't throw his Dad under the bus (I never speak badly about him to my son), but I can't tell my son that he is wrong in this case. I do try to show my son some of the other ways that his father expresses his love for him -- but that's not easy either.

I think a healthier option would be to find a balance that fosters both relationships.

I think it's more like they are living their life when your child isn't there.

At 14 he probably has his own friends and doesn't always want to go to dad's.

Not PP, but it's often very painful to a kid to see his dad having fun with someone else's child. And in these days of social media, they see everything.

[Anonymous]

My father put his second wife first after my mother died. It sucked and my relationship with my father has never fully recovered. You need to prioritize the child over the remarriage, IMO. That doesn't mean you set up a competition and pit one against the other. It means that the parent and step parent need to be sensitive and work together for the good of the children. That's what it means to be a parent.

[Anonymous]

That guy is/was a grade A a-hole who put himself and his own needs above all else. What a lousy excuse for a father that was.

1+. Yes, there may be an argument for "putting your spouse" first, but this particular example is just ludicrous, cruel and possibly illegal. I don't think this has anything to do with "prioritizing" a marriage and frankly it's offensive to even characterize (and attempt to legitimize) this example in that manner.

[Anonymous]

You don't know what happened but it is his responsibility to not pass off his child and to parent her. That might not even be legal. Was she in college? If not why was she in college housing? And was it a dorm? If it was a private apartment how did you even get mixed up with her?