No desire to kiss anymore

[Anonymous]

When we dated our kissing was great. Sex was hit or miss but we we're both new at it. After marriage its kind if slowed down to the point I don't have patience to have sex with him and in not all that turned out. We've both gained weight since being married and its hard for me to believe he is attracted to me because my attraction has been at a standstill. Which then just makes me really not want anything to do with him. Its a confusing bad cycle.

Now I realize I don't even want to kiss him. It actually makes me repulsed when he tries. He has a beard and his whole mouth area smells awful. It never did before. And it just feels "gross" kissing.

I miss it. I miss the closenesd and I miss making out and sex but its been like this for months not sure what to do to fix it. He won't go to couples therapy.

[Anonymous]

You need to go to therapy without him. This is a huge red flag. Exact same thing happened to me. Dvd result: affair.

[Anonymous]

My ex had a beard, and if he didn't scrub that thing, it would stink like garbage of whatever he'd eaten.

Tell him you miss making out etc, and that he needs to scrub the beard. If he won't, and he already won't go to couples therapy, maybe he's eating out and can't be bothered with what's on the menu at home, if you get my drift.

And in any case, you need to find some positive things to do to feel better about yourself physically.

[Anonymous]

Tell him that shaving and losing weight is the guaranteed gateway to more frequent sex and see if he bites at that. (But you have to deliver on the more sex thing if he loses weight and shaves.) The kissing should come back as part of that.

[Anonymous]

All I have to do to get my DH in the mood is to ask him, "wanna brush your teeth?" I kinda play at it but if his beard/mouth are an issue, it's on you to raise it. Having sex is an important part of feeling connected. And, it should make you both feel great. Sounds like you may need to work on articulating your needs.

[Anonymous]

DH here -

I haven't enjoyed kissing DW for a very, very long time. Not a hygiene issue, just simply not feeling it - ever. For me, kissing can be incredibly intimate and emotional, and I just don't feel that way about DW anymore. We kiss, but it's not for very long, and there's absolutely no fire whatsoever. As a prelude to sex, it's almost a mood killer, so I kind of just do the best I can and get to the main event (which is also largely obligatory). It really sucks to be faking it all the time. God, I miss deep, passionate kissing, SO much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH here -

I haven't enjoyed kissing DW for a very, very long time. Not a hygiene issue, just simply not feeling it - ever. For me, kissing can be incredibly intimate and emotional, and I just don't feel that way about DW anymore. We kiss, but it's not for very long, and there's absolutely no fire whatsoever. As a prelude to sex, it's almost a mood killer, so I kind of just do the best I can and get to the main event (which is also largely obligatory). It really sucks to be faking it all the time. God, I miss deep, passionate kissing, SO much.

Well, why don't you think about it, and figure out what's missing? Or are you going to limp along, focusing on how you miss it, but never talk to your wife or do anything to make things better between you? You keep going down this path, and you'll be cheating before you know it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH here -

I haven't enjoyed kissing DW for a very, very long time. Not a hygiene issue, just simply not feeling it - ever. For me, kissing can be incredibly intimate and emotional, and I just don't feel that way about DW anymore. We kiss, but it's not for very long, and there's absolutely no fire whatsoever. As a prelude to sex, it's almost a mood killer, so I kind of just do the best I can and get to the main event (which is also largely obligatory). It really sucks to be faking it all the time. God, I miss deep, passionate kissing, SO much.

Well, why don't you think about it, and figure out what's missing? Or are you going to limp along, focusing on how you miss it, but never talk to your wife or do anything to make things better between you? You keep going down this path, and you'll be cheating before you know it.

Never talk to my wife? Hey, we talk all the time. Or rather, she talks and I listen. And then I'm supposed to "ask" for emotional intimacy, right? Oh, please listen without criticizing. Please don't tear down my dreams. Please believe in me. Blah blah. How contrived. How pathetic to have to beg for something that should be pretty fucking fundamental in a marriage. Wait, but maybe it's me. Maybe I'm the one with the intimacy issues, the one who's manifesting behaviors learned in childhood. Maybe I'm isolating myself emotionally and this would be the case with anyone, right? Except every time I open up I'm met with the same nothingness, so eventually you just close the door. And bolt it shut.

Look, I know what's missing, but the reality is, she is who she is, and I am who I am, and over time we've grown apart. I'm not sure anything can honestly be done about it at this point. Regardless of all the calls on these boards for counseling and communication, there comes a point when you just have to make the call - you're either staying or leaving, and I'm not leaving because I would lose my kids. So I swallow the shit and put on a happy face and, yes, "limp along" in agony knowing I'll never have a meaningful connection with anyone and try to feel okay about it. I don't see how you can suddenly fall back in love with someone when you've spent years falling out, and at the end of the day, we made a vow to stay married no matter what, so no one's going anywhere.

[Anonymous]

This makes me sad, because I feel the same way (not about the vows part ... about the passion and nobody is going anywhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This makes me sad, because I feel the same way (not about the vows part ... about the passion and nobody is going anywhere.

Sorry.

Just sometimes I think I might explode.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, me too. Sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH here -

I haven't enjoyed kissing DW for a very, very long time. Not a hygiene issue, just simply not feeling it - ever. For me, kissing can be incredibly intimate and emotional, and I just don't feel that way about DW anymore. We kiss, but it's not for very long, and there's absolutely no fire whatsoever. As a prelude to sex, it's almost a mood killer, so I kind of just do the best I can and get to the main event (which is also largely obligatory). It really sucks to be faking it all the time. God, I miss deep, passionate kissing, SO much.

Well, why don't you think about it, and figure out what's missing? Or are you going to limp along, focusing on how you miss it, but never talk to your wife or do anything to make things better between you? You keep going down this path, and you'll be cheating before you know it.

Never talk to my wife? Hey, we talk all the time. Or rather, she talks and I listen. And then I'm supposed to "ask" for emotional intimacy, right? Oh, please listen without criticizing. Please don't tear down my dreams. Please believe in me. Blah blah. How contrived. How pathetic to have to beg for something that should be pretty fucking fundamental in a marriage. Wait, but maybe it's me. Maybe I'm the one with the intimacy issues, the one who's manifesting behaviors learned in childhood. Maybe I'm isolating myself emotionally and this would be the case with anyone, right? Except every time I open up I'm met with the same nothingness, so eventually you just close the door. And bolt it shut.

Look, I know what's missing, but the reality is, she is who she is, and I am who I am, and over time we've grown apart. I'm not sure anything can honestly be done about it at this point. Regardless of all the colalls on these boards for counseling and communication, there comes a point when you just have to make the call - you're either staying or leaving, and I'm not leaving because I would lose my kids. So I swallow the shit and put on a happy face and, yes, "limp along" in agony knowing I'll never have a meaningful connection with anyone and try to feel okay about it. I don't see how you can suddenly fall back in love with someone when you've spent years falling out, and at the end of the day, we made a vow to stay married no matter what, so no one's going anywhere.

You can totally reinvent your marriage and fall in love again. Sounds like you just want to be miserable.

[Anonymous]

Agree. That is just straight up wallowing.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like the attraction has waned over the years which I am sure happens the longer you stay w/someone.

However being actually "repulsed" by your husband is not normal.

If your spouse refuses marriage counseling for this, then please get some individual therapy for yourself.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH here -

I haven't enjoyed kissing DW for a very, very long time. Not a hygiene issue, just simply not feeling it - ever. For me, kissing can be incredibly intimate and emotional, and I just don't feel that way about DW anymore. We kiss, but it's not for very long, and there's absolutely no fire whatsoever. As a prelude to sex, it's almost a mood killer, so I kind of just do the best I can and get to the main event (which is also largely obligatory). It really sucks to be faking it all the time. God, I miss deep, passionate kissing, SO much.

Well, why don't you think about it, and figure out what's missing? Or are you going to limp along, focusing on how you miss it, but never talk to your wife or do anything to make things better between you? You keep going down this path, and you'll be cheating before you know it.

Never talk to my wife? Hey, we talk all the time. Or rather, she talks and I listen. And then I'm supposed to "ask" for emotional intimacy, right? Oh, please listen without criticizing. Please don't tear down my dreams. Please believe in me. Blah blah. How contrived. How pathetic to have to beg for something that should be pretty fucking fundamental in a marriage. Wait, but maybe it's me. Maybe I'm the one with the intimacy issues, the one who's manifesting behaviors learned in childhood. Maybe I'm isolating myself emotionally and this would be the case with anyone, right? Except every time I open up I'm met with the same nothingness, so eventually you just close the door. And bolt it shut.

Look, I know what's missing, but the reality is, she is who she is, and I am who I am, and over time we've grown apart. I'm not sure anything can honestly be done about it at this point. Regardless of all the calls on these boards for counseling and communication, there comes a point when you just have to make the call - you're either staying or leaving, and I'm not leaving because I would lose my kids. So I swallow the shit and put on a happy face and, yes, "limp along" in agony knowing I'll never have a meaningful connection with anyone and try to feel okay about it. I don't see how you can suddenly fall back in love with someone when you've spent years falling out, and at the end of the day, we made a vow to stay married no matter what, so no one's going anywhere.

I'm a dw and feel the same way.