How do you nicely convey "MYOB"?

[Anonymous]

This is about both my parents and my MIL/FIL. I love my parents dearly, and my in-laws are nice; I like them, we get along. Overall, both my family and my husband's family are warm, close and functional. We are VERY lucky in that regard.

But with all of our parents, they are very free with unsolicited advice, and feel free to ask questions that just aren't their business. My husband and I are 100% financially independent--we are in our late 30s/early 40s, have great jobs, are homeowners and own both cars outright. We've saved a significant amount for emergencies and for college. We are very good parents to our two DDs, and we have a good, healthy marriage. So none of this parental "involvement" comes from them having to be worried about us or having to support us.

It's seriously everything, from the little things to the big things. For example, my mom always quizzes me on why I work outside the home--not because she doesn't support that decision (she worked, too), but it's just to tease out my answers, to which she will nod sagely and say, "And that's exactly right." Well...thanks for your approval, again? She and my dad will also announce when they are visiting, rather than call me up and ask if it's OK to visit on those dates. Usually, it works out; the few times it hasn't, I've clearly let them know, and I've explicitly asked them to ask first. They ignore.

With my MIL/FIL, it's every. little. thing. "When are you going to put in new carpet? How much would that cost? Do you need help?" No...we just have focused on necessary repairs and home maintenence--new roof, solar panel installation, refinishing a deck, new hot water heater, new stove. In just three years, we have done all this, and we are pacing ourselves. The "cosmetic stuff" can wait. I don't ask her about her house, which frankly could use some work. She also calls me up and asks, "How did DD's last medical appointment go? What did the doctor say?" Look, OF COURSE I will tell them about any medical concerns, but my husband and I don't feel the need to report out what percentile her head circumference is, KWIM?

FIL is always asking about our finances. He wants to know exactly how much we have, or how much things cost. He's not content to know, generally, that we have a 529 college account for each girl, he wants to know HOW MUCH. He's not content to know we each have robust retirement acccounts, he wants to know HOW MUCH. None of yours, thanks!

So yes, this was a vent, but here's the real question: How do we convey MYOB without hurting our relationships?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is about both my parents and my MIL/FIL. I love my parents dearly, and my in-laws are nice; I like them, we get along. Overall, both my family and my husband's family are warm, close and functional. We are VERY lucky in that regard.

But with all of our parents, they are very free with unsolicited advice, and feel free to ask questions that just aren't their business. My husband and I are 100% financially independent--we are in our late 30s/early 40s, have great jobs, are homeowners and own both cars outright. We've saved a significant amount for emergencies and for college. We are very good parents to our two DDs, and we have a good, healthy marriage. So none of this parental "involvement" comes from them having to be worried about us or having to support us.

It's seriously everything, from the little things to the big things. For example, my mom always quizzes me on why I work outside the home--not because she doesn't support that decision (she worked, too), but it's just to tease out my answers, to which she will nod sagely and say, "And that's exactly right." Well...thanks for your approval, again? She and my dad will also announce when they are visiting, rather than call me up and ask if it's OK to visit on those dates. Usually, it works out; the few times it hasn't, I've clearly let them know, and I've explicitly asked them to ask first. They ignore.

With my MIL/FIL, it's every. little. thing. "When are you going to put in new carpet? How much would that cost? Do you need help?" No...we just have focused on necessary repairs and home maintenence--new roof, solar panel installation, refinishing a deck, new hot water heater, new stove. In just three years, we have done all this, and we are pacing ourselves. The "cosmetic stuff" can wait. I don't ask her about her house, which frankly could use some work. She also calls me up and asks, "How did DD's last medical appointment go? What did the doctor say?" Look, OF COURSE I will tell them about any medical concerns, but my husband and I don't feel the need to report out what percentile her head circumference is, KWIM?

FIL is always asking about our finances. He wants to know exactly how much we have, or how much things cost. He's not content to know, generally, that we have a 529 college account for each girl, he wants to know HOW MUCH. He's not content to know we each have robust retirement acccounts, he wants to know HOW MUCH. None of yours, thanks!

So yes, this was a vent, but here's the real question: How do we convey MYOB without hurting our relationships?

(1) stop volunteering unnecessary information - MIL can only know that DD had a medical appointment if you told her!
(2) stop actually answering the questions. Answer instead with "oh she's fine" (last medical appointment) and "I don't know" (new carpet) and "don't worry about us, we're fine!" (529 questions) etc. Give out as little actual information as possible.

[Anonymous]

My MIL is like this but not entirely on the same level. Drove me nuts as a first time mom a few years ago. I hadn't noticed it until then! We were moving and had everything under control and she just kept telling us advice (she has not moved in 40 years....I have moved 7 times or whatever throughout young adulthood). Finally we all just talked about it. She's sooo sensitive but I made my husband be the main speaker....to tell her that she was being too involved, that my own parents are FAR from involved, and that's what I'm used to; that her other kids have let her do this....but that our relationship with her was going to be different than theirs with her.

It did not go over well at first. Like I said she's extremely sensitive, thinks everything is a confrontation even when it's just stuff that has to be said.

But over a week or two she came back and said she was glad we said something. She knew she has been really involved in the other siblings lives, for their own reasons, but she knew she didn't need to do that with us.

Over the last 4 years, it's reverted back to the original behavior here and there, but the slightest mention of us needing space works wonders. So glad we had the tough conversation once, and we can kind of refer back to that when needed.

[Anonymous]

Good responses! Thank you both so much!

[Anonymous]

I'd start doing what PP mentioned, give them less information. This takes practice. I have to do it with my MIL, because she stores up things we say to throw in our face later. So I tell her less. When she asks a question I don't want to answer I don't give her a firm answer.

Ex:
MIL: How much is in Susie's 529?
Me: not enough! Haha
MIL: how much though?
Me: she will definitely be able to buy books! did you see the news about metro closing?

Refuse to engage. Deflect and then change the subject. Your DH must do the same too. Less information means less ammo. If she asks about the carpet, don't dive into all the things you DID spend money on, or why cosmetic things aren't on your list yet. Just say "I don't know!" and move on. Other comes backs: "Hmm" or "interesting" or "Oh yeah I've heard that idea" or "huh" or "I'm so glad that works for you". Use as much as possible.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the PPs. Don't offer this information. If you have any leftover shared accounts with the parents from HS or college, close those accounts. Make sure your husband is on board and isn't going to just divulge everything when you're not there.

My dad cares greatly about our financial stability, which I appreciate, but he expects to subsidize us, and give advice, more than we're comfortable with. Thankfully, he's respectful of my boundaries, so he's backed off, but I had to close out our lingering shared account that we opened together when I was 18. I'm the only one of my siblings who does my own taxes - my dad still goes my siblings' taxes, even for my brother who's married! And that same brother uses the shared account with our mother as his main account and he doesn't understand why his wife thinks it's weird. My parents know, down to the cent, how much each of the children make, their major investments - except for me. They also pay for my siblings' phone plans, car insurance, and paid for their health insurance until they were 26. If my siblings think the subsidy is worth it - good for them, but for my parents, they just thought it was normal and expected to have the same visibility into my finances. I gently, but consistently, made it clear that my husband & I have it covered.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is about both my parents and my MIL/FIL. I love my parents dearly, and my in-laws are nice; I like them, we get along. Overall, both my family and my husband's family are warm, close and functional. We are VERY lucky in that regard.

But with all of our parents, they are very free with unsolicited advice, and feel free to ask questions that just aren't their business. My husband and I are 100% financially independent--we are in our late 30s/early 40s, have great jobs, are homeowners and own both cars outright. We've saved a significant amount for emergencies and for college. We are very good parents to our two DDs, and we have a good, healthy marriage. So none of this parental "involvement" comes from them having to be worried about us or having to support us.

It's seriously everything, from the little things to the big things. For example, my mom always quizzes me on why I work outside the home--not because she doesn't support that decision (she worked, too), but it's just to tease out my answers, to which she will nod sagely and say, "And that's exactly right." Well...thanks for your approval, again? She and my dad will also announce when they are visiting, rather than call me up and ask if it's OK to visit on those dates. Usually, it works out; the few times it hasn't, I've clearly let them know, and I've explicitly asked them to ask first. They ignore.

With my MIL/FIL, it's every. little. thing. "When are you going to put in new carpet? How much would that cost? Do you need help?" No...we just have focused on necessary repairs and home maintenence--new roof, solar panel installation, refinishing a deck, new hot water heater, new stove. In just three years, we have done all this, and we are pacing ourselves. The "cosmetic stuff" can wait. I don't ask her about her house, which frankly could use some work. She also calls me up and asks, "How did DD's last medical appointment go? What did the doctor say?" Look, OF COURSE I will tell them about any medical concerns, but my husband and I don't feel the need to report out what percentile her head circumference is, KWIM?

FIL is always asking about our finances. He wants to know exactly how much we have, or how much things cost. He's not content to know, generally, that we have a 529 college account for each girl, he wants to know HOW MUCH. He's not content to know we each have robust retirement acccounts, he wants to know HOW MUCH. None of yours, thanks!

So yes, this was a vent, but here's the real question: How do we convey MYOB without hurting our relationships?

Just give them numbers ones, believe me they will not ask again. For them you are their kids, and they just want to make sure that you know what are you doing.
My parents used to do that all the time, once I gave information , they never asked again as they figured we were fine in financial area.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is about both my parents and my MIL/FIL. I love my parents dearly, and my in-laws are nice; I like them, we get along. Overall, both my family and my husband's family are warm, close and functional. We are VERY lucky in that regard.

But with all of our parents, they are very free with unsolicited advice, and feel free to ask questions that just aren't their business. My husband and I are 100% financially independent--we are in our late 30s/early 40s, have great jobs, are homeowners and own both cars outright. We've saved a significant amount for emergencies and for college. We are very good parents to our two DDs, and we have a good, healthy marriage. So none of this parental "involvement" comes from them having to be worried about us or having to support us.

It's seriously everything, from the little things to the big things. For example, my mom always quizzes me on why I work outside the home--not because she doesn't support that decision (she worked, too), but it's just to tease out my answers, to which she will nod sagely and say, "And that's exactly right." Well...thanks for your approval, again? She and my dad will also announce when they are visiting, rather than call me up and ask if it's OK to visit on those dates. Usually, it works out; the few times it hasn't, I've clearly let them know, and I've explicitly asked them to ask first. They ignore.

With my MIL/FIL, it's every. little. thing. "When are you going to put in new carpet? How much would that cost? Do you need help?" No...we just have focused on necessary repairs and home maintenence--new roof, solar panel installation, refinishing a deck, new hot water heater, new stove. In just three years, we have done all this, and we are pacing ourselves. The "cosmetic stuff" can wait. I don't ask her about her house, which frankly could use some work. She also calls me up and asks, "How did DD's last medical appointment go? What did the doctor say?" Look, OF COURSE I will tell them about any medical concerns, but my husband and I don't feel the need to report out what percentile her head circumference is, KWIM?

FIL is always asking about our finances. He wants to know exactly how much we have, or how much things cost. He's not content to know, generally, that we have a 529 college account for each girl, he wants to know HOW MUCH. He's not content to know we each have robust retirement acccounts, he wants to know HOW MUCH. None of yours, thanks!

So yes, this was a vent, but here's the real question: How do we convey MYOB without hurting our relationships?

Just give them numbers ones, believe me they will not ask again. For them you are their kids, and they just want to make sure that you know what are you doing.
My parents used to do that all the time, once I gave information , they never asked again as they figured we were fine in financial area.

WTF. This will backfire. Give an inch, they will want it all.

And why are they entitled to numbers anyway?

OP, the other PPs are right - deflect and be vague. And stop offering lead-in information.

[Anonymous]

Just remember, you only have to give them the information you want. Even if they keep asking, you don't have to give exact answers.

If they don't take the hint, you can come out and tell them that you aren't going to give them numbers, so they might as well stop asking.

For the little nitpicking details, just tell them that you are taking care of the details and that they shouldn't worry about because you have it under control. Lather, rinse, repeat.

At some point in all conversations just keep repeating this answer: "Don't worry about it. We've got it under control."
If they ask more questions, keep repeating the same answer. They can't force you to divulge more information than you want. They can burn their entire visit with the kids and grandkids getting this answer 587 times if they want.

I suppose you could change it to "Don't worry about it. We've got it under control. Are you sure that you don't want to spend some time with Larla before you have to leave?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is about both my parents and my MIL/FIL. I love my parents dearly, and my in-laws are nice; I like them, we get along. Overall, both my family and my husband's family are warm, close and functional. We are VERY lucky in that regard.

But with all of our parents, they are very free with unsolicited advice, and feel free to ask questions that just aren't their business. My husband and I are 100% financially independent--we are in our late 30s/early 40s, have great jobs, are homeowners and own both cars outright. We've saved a significant amount for emergencies and for college. We are very good parents to our two DDs, and we have a good, healthy marriage. So none of this parental "involvement" comes from them having to be worried about us or having to support us.

It's seriously everything, from the little things to the big things. For example, my mom always quizzes me on why I work outside the home--not because she doesn't support that decision (she worked, too), but it's just to tease out my answers, to which she will nod sagely and say, "And that's exactly right." Well...thanks for your approval, again? She and my dad will also announce when they are visiting, rather than call me up and ask if it's OK to visit on those dates. Usually, it works out; the few times it hasn't, I've clearly let them know, and I've explicitly asked them to ask first. They ignore.

With my MIL/FIL, it's every. little. thing. "When are you going to put in new carpet? How much would that cost? Do you need help?" No...we just have focused on necessary repairs and home maintenence--new roof, solar panel installation, refinishing a deck, new hot water heater, new stove. In just three years, we have done all this, and we are pacing ourselves. The "cosmetic stuff" can wait. I don't ask her about her house, which frankly could use some work. She also calls me up and asks, "How did DD's last medical appointment go? What did the doctor say?" Look, OF COURSE I will tell them about any medical concerns, but my husband and I don't feel the need to report out what percentile her head circumference is, KWIM?

FIL is always asking about our finances. He wants to know exactly how much we have, or how much things cost. He's not content to know, generally, that we have a 529 college account for each girl, he wants to know HOW MUCH. He's not content to know we each have robust retirement acccounts, he wants to know HOW MUCH. None of yours, thanks!

So yes, this was a vent, but here's the real question: How do we convey MYOB without hurting our relationships?

Just give them numbers ones, believe me they will not ask again. For them you are their kids, and they just want to make sure that you know what are you doing.
My parents used to do that all the time, once I gave information , they never asked again as they figured we were fine in financial area.

WTF. This will backfire. Give an inch, they will want it all.

And why are they entitled to numbers anyway?






PP Here , I can tell that OP's MIL/FIL are asking the questions because they care for them and want the best for them. Her FIL just wants to be sure that they live within their means ( That is why he wants to know how much) , and they are taking care of future needs. It is not question of entitlement, it is just a father talking to his child. We know that we are adults and know what we are doing, parent just want reassurance.

OP, the other PPs are right - deflect and be vague. And stop offering lead-in information.

[Anonymous]

My husbands parents are like this. They are Indian and generally more nosy & insistent on things. I adore them but it's true. With my MIL who used to insist on everything I had to get very blunt: "I already said no". She got the message eventually. With nosy questions, she generally asks my husband, not me. He feels free to tell her to mind her own business. It's okay to be impolite if someone pushes you over the edge.

You can say very easily "well it's private" or "we don't like to talk about finances with others"...:it's ok if they are put off.

[Anonymous]

If your in-laws are as sane and warm as you say, why not just tell them you're not comfortable discussing finances? Let them think you're a weirdo (I don't think you're a weirdo). Who cares?

[Anonymous]

My MIL is dying to know the gritty details of our finances. She really wants to give us advice about everything. It's an endless pit of her wanting to feel needed, and this is how she expresses it. The kicker is that she and my FIL have TERRIBLE financial sense. AWFUL. They have all kinds of bad debt, are always trying to "get a deal" instead of just using the basic motto: spend less than you make. I come from a family of people who are very smart with money. And guess what? My parents are facing comfortable retirements. I get pretty annoyed when my MIL tries to give me financial advice when she herself is a MESS.

So yeah, I feel your pain OP.

[Anonymous]

If you think their heart is in the right place, why not tell them? I'm very open with my own parents. They know how much we have in our bank accounts, our salaries, retirements, 529s. Once I told them, they stopped asking (but still kept sending large checks to the kids' 529s). THey were just worried. Now they are not. They don't give us advice on how to use the money, they are just glad we have saved it.

We tell my inlaws nothing because once they get the information, they want to espouse advice (i.e., why don't you pay off your mortgage if you have XXX saved up?). Why are you sending your child to private instead of public? You all did fine in public! Etc. etc. there's a lot of opinionating so that's why we keep it from them.

[Anonymous]

Ouch! I am praying I am not THAT mother. My son has been working full time for about 10 months. He lives out of town. I have asked a few times about budgeting, saving etc and he is very hesitate to give specific information-he simply says he's okay. He did allow me to complete his tax return(mainly because the W2 came to my house). Should I back off? I do not have any access to his accounts.