MIL and FIL visiting - SIL tagging along [a vent]

[Anonymous]

My MIL and FIL are retire. They visit us once or twice a year for a long weekend. We visit them for at least a week if not 2. They are 6-8 hours away depending on how we hit traffic. If there are any other grandchildren around, their default it to be with the other grandchildren. A big part of this is location, my FIL takes care of my SIL's children after school and has provided full time child care for the children over the years.

My SIL (and her family) just reached out this weekend to discuss coming and visit Easter weekend; when my MIL and FIL are visiting. I told my DH I would prefer for her not to b/c this is the 1 time all year that the children get to visit with their grandparents without the other grandchildren. My DH is now upset that I said no to his sisters visit. She rarely visits, never based on our invites for major family events, always when she realizes that she has nothing planned for an upcoming break. The last time she visited was over 2 years ago.

After reflecting on it, I realize that our children will never have more than a scratch the surface relationship w these grandparents. They always come exhausted - they typically get caught doing something for my SIL the night before they come and then are tired their entire visit. We have offered to fly them down, asked them to stay longed (My FIL is uncomfortable doing this b/c then my SIL will need to get someone to watch the kids so we need to clear their visits with my SIL 1st).

For others with similar relationships - do I just say yes to her visit b/c it will not make a difference anyway?

[Anonymous]

Do you have room to accommodate all these people?

Honestly, I'd be bummed in your situation as well, though I don't think there's a way to raise it without hurting feelings on all sides. If you have a convenient, and true, excuse that allows you to politely say no, then I would, but otherwise, I'd probably just suck it up and try to not let the kids pick up on how I'm feeling.

[Anonymous]

I agree with you, though if probably say yes so that my kids could at least get to know their cousins a bit.

[Anonymous]

How does your DH feel about your kids' relationship with his parents? If he sees they are getting the short end of the stick, can he say to his sister "Larla, we'd love to have you come visit, but this is the only time all year that our kids get special one-on-one time with Mom and Dad. Your kids are lucky to see them all the time, and our's really look forward to this time with their grandparents. Can we pick a different weekend where all of us are together?"

[Anonymous]

Tell your ILs how you feel, that you want special, rested time with YOUR kids. Then maybe THEY can tell SIL n for this visit.

[Anonymous]

You feel resentment that they give your SIL's kids more attention than you own. Is that right?

However, this isn't your choice. If they are playing favorites and being cruel about it, that's one thing. If it's just that they are more involved in SIL's day-to-day and are thus much closer, this is your issue to get over. Your MIL/FIL are missing out by not trying to have quality time with your kids, but that's on them. You can try to make it happen, if they want it, but other than that, I'd step back.

If your DH wants his sister to come, and you are otherwise ok with it, I'd allow it.

[Anonymous]

Given that your ILs live close to SIL, your kids will never have the same close relationship with grandparents as her kids do. A few times a year visit just isn't going to build that kind of relationship. Your SIL's visit isn't going to harm the relationship they have and the relationship they have isn't going to improve by you barring the other grandchildren from visiting. Given that your husband wants to see his sister and she hasn't visited in a couple of years, I'd say yes. The only harm to come from this situation is the bad feeling you will create by denying the visit.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the thoughts - I was just caught off guard that the few days we have planned my SIL wants to crash on.

It has been a stressful winter and just getting to a point of a little stability and now need to adjust.

[Anonymous]

Personally, given my own family dynamic, I'd ask DH to talk to SIL and explain that it is the one time a year that your kids get to see their grand parents, but if she's completely unreasonable and you have the space to accommodate, i'd allow the visit. My DH has a huge family and my kids will never have a close relationship with their grandparents, but my DH and all his siblings love the chaos of large family gatherings. I have a couple memories of my own childhood with lots of cousins getting together, and what I am sure was chaos to some of my aunts and uncles, but it may be fund for your kids.

[Anonymous]

Why not just think of it as a chance for the cousins to hang, nurture that relationship?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the thoughts - I was just caught off guard that the few days we have planned my SIL wants to crash on.

It has been a stressful winter and just getting to a point of a little stability and now need to adjust.

Hosting two grandparents versus a whole other family with kids are rather different in stress levels, and you might point that out to DH.

With grandparents and your family, you can relax a little, maybe have a date night.

Adding in SIL and her family is more chaos.

Point this out to DH, make it not about resentment and all that, but simply that you'd like a calmer visit. (And, I'll say it so you don't have too: For heaven's sake, SIL can give up her help for one freaking weekend.)

[Anonymous]

Update - I left a message for SIL that they can crash at our place. Yes we will be breaking out every pillow and air mattress we have.

My SIL and her 4 kids staying at our place for the weekend is not going to change my kids relationship with their grandparents. Maybe my kids will see more of their grandparents since my ILs get a hotel and usually arrive mid morning and leave right after dinner. The other grand kids will probably get them over here earlier

[Anonymous]

Oh, I was going to ask if you could stack them, have the GPs visit come a couple of days before SIL arrives, so you'd have some of the one-on-one that you wanted for your children.

It is a total bummer, OP. Sorry. You took the high road on this, so if there's any comfort to be had, take comfort in that.

[Anonymous]

I have a very similar situation to yours so I understand completely. My kids come second for ILs and my SIL only visits when it is convenient for her as a place to crash (to visit DC). She tries to tag along for holidays and makes it so stressful for us since we have to suddenly accommodate 4 more people in addition to ILs. Plus they are messy and inconsiderate but really it's that we are never invited to their holidays but they freely come to ours and usually last minute. Over the years I've come to accept that this is just the way DH's family is. They live in a different part of the country so their school breaks are off schedule compared to our school much of the time and she allows them to stay up late at our house while we are getting our kids to finish homework and go to bed in time for school the next day. Oh how I dread holidays and breaks since having kids. It's a sad existence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with you, though if probably say yes so that my kids could at least get to know their cousins a bit.

In the end its the cousins who will prove more present in your kids' lives so I would do it.