Sports and early elemenatry
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Anonymous
| My 1st grade DS is a sensitive and sweet guy. He is also has a competitive streak and a little anxiety. He loves playing team sports but has a really hard time losing. At home we emphasize having fun, working on skills and trying hard. We are not crazy sports parents that emphasize winning. However, he cries everytime his team loses...and neither his basketball team nor his soccer team this year won a single game...so a lot of tears. We are working on this with him but want to know if this is in the realm of normal for a 1st grader. He tries so hard and is actually pretty good but he's had the bad luck of being on pretty bad teams this year. He goes back and forth between blaming himself ("I played terribly") and blaming himself. He definitely wants to keep playing but the poor kid would like to have the experience of winning once in a while. Anyway...normal or no? |
Anonymous
| Maybe he should take classes rather than being on a team. I think giving him better skills and a year or two to mature should help. |
Anonymous
| Of course he can improve but he's been the best player on his bb team and one of the best on his soccer teams. It's not his sports skills I'm concerned about it's coping skills. |
Anonymous
| My son is similar, but so far we've been in leagues where they don't even really talk about who won. They just focus on playing and good sportsmanship. Maybe wait a season or so and then try again? |
Anonymous
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My kids never even thought about keeping score at that age. They just wanted to have fun and play with their friends (and get to wear a uniform).
Is he having fun with friends or just hating them all for losing? It seriously is not supposed to be about winning and losing at this stage. But if that is his M.O. then you have 3 choices 1) redirect his attitude about the game and its purpose at this age; 2) switch to a competitive league that is all about winning; or 3) have him sit out until 3rd grade when it does get competitive. |
Anonymous
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My son was the exact same way. We have worked a lot with him on this issue and it's gotten a lot better (1st grade was the worst year).
In many ways it's a "good" thing because it signals that he is internally driven to achieve, but, he needs to figure out how to effectively channel his emotions. For my son, we emphasize that being upset about a loss is a waste of energy and that if he wants to dwell on things, he's better off figuring out what did/didn't work so that next time will be better. He also talked to the school counselor and she gave him some good strategies for calming down. |
Anonymous
| It's just immaturity and a lack of frustration tolerance. My son is in 1st grade and has a similar issue. They will grow out of it. |
Anonymous
Honestly, I would suggest that you are not helping if your outlook that it is "bad luck" for a first grader to be on a "pretty bad team." If it is supposed to be about gaining sports skills, being a part of a team, and having fun, it doesn't make a difference. If you want something more competitive, look to a more competitive league. |
Anonymous
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Anonymous
| I was about the write the same thing as PPs that it's strange you wrote that he was on a "pretty bad team" and bragged that he's "the best" player on his bb team and "one of the best" on his soccer team. Who thinks that way with that very detailed ranking of 1st graders? |
Anonymous
| In 1st grade my son's basketball league didn't keep score. The focus was on learning the game while having fun. It was definitely more serious in 2nd grade with an actual referee but score was kept by quarter and reset each time. The focus was still on learning the game. Some kids were more serious than others and some parents were more competitive than the kids. It was never announced who won each quarter. Winning and losing wasn't the focus. |
Anonymous
Don't know if it's the norm, but it was our normal. Our now 4th grader was exactly like yours in 1st and 2nd grade. Today, he's exactly what we'd hoped for. He loses and manages his emotions exceedingly well. He wins and does the same. He congratulates the opponent and is regularly complemented by his coaches. Just keep reminding your DS. He will be fine. |
Anonymous
| I agree with 18:14. Also, it's pretty normal to be bummed after losing a game at any age. He will grow out of the tears, but may still be sad after losing - it's fine. Empathize with him, don't tell him he shouldn't have those feelings. |
Anonymous
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It is hard to tell from your post how extreme your child's reactions are. I have four boys who are very into sports. It is normal to be disappointed after losing, but there is a degree of reaction that is beyond the typical or common or the norm. One of my boys was like this. He is a super intense kid, anxious and very hard on himself, and at that age had a very hard time regulating his emotions. We really had to work with him to develop strategies to handle disappointments. We definitely emphasized beforehand and throughout all the positive aspects of playing that had nothing to do with winning, the social stuff, the challenge, the fun of the sport, etc. We kept it very positive and made a point of not discussing outcomes and results but rather the effort and also praising moments when he was able to manage little disappointments well. We also developed little traditions that were independent of winning/losing (for example, we might always get a treat at the Little League Snack Bar or we might have a consistent play date with a teammate after a game) and it helped to have lots of positive associations that had nothing to do with the performance.
Another thing that helped with him was, at other moments, to discuss challenging situations we'd been through. It helped him develop an emotional language to be able to empathize with his mom having gone through a big soccer game loss, and maybe even reacted badly, and I think it made him feel less alone and crazy in his feelings. Failure is common, it can feel really bad, but you move on and here we all are and now we can smile about it. Another thing I remember that helped was to find opportunities for him to be a mentor/leader... like if I saw another kid struggling or upset because he had made a mistake, I would urge him to go over and support the kid. My three other boys all "grew out of" their immaturities but this one definitely needed more hand-holding and coaching. The interesting thing is that, while he is still the same kid and still intense and so on, maybe because the habits were learned and we practiced so much he has excellent sports manners now that he is older. He still has a natural tendency to be hard on himself--it is part of who he is--but he is extremely gracious with teammates and opponents. Much more so than my other kids who were naturally so early on. It does make me proud because in the early days, his emotions were so huge that he could only think of himself. |
Anonymous
| My son didn't really like team sports mostly because he didn't feel like winning and losing was within his control. He loves his individual sport though- fencing. Now, when he loses, he knows HE has to work on some aspects of his game. Or maybe try a sport that isn't about playing against an opponent. My son also love rock climbing. He likes to try to beat his time to the top or sometimes he will try to find a harder way to the top. |