GF's apartment

[Anonymous]

My girlfriend of 6 months is great and looks put together, has expensive things and travels. However, when I go to her apartment her bedroom is a mess. The common areas are alright, but the bedroom looks like a clothes and paper cyclone hit it! I'm not super organized myself but her stuff is ridiculous; we hardly ever go over there.
But now her lease is up soon and she has been hinting at moving in together and how great that would be and save money. I don't know what to think or how that would go down. Anyone?
She doesn't cook that well either, maybe that means the kitchen won't get messy too.

[Anonymous]

By common area, you mean she shares with roommates? This is a red flag. I bet the roommates are the ones keeping it clean.

Does she share other values you share or is her messiness the only thing?

[Anonymous]

You need to be straight forward. "Stacey, I like you, but I've been alarmed at how messy your bedroom has been each time I've seen it. I can't live in chaos like that. So I don't want to move in with you yet."

Take cooking classes with her. Part of cooking is cleaning.

[Anonymous]

Hey at least messy girls are always the best in the sack.

[Anonymous]

Your post reminds me of the Friends episode when Ross dates a woman with a messy apartment.

[Anonymous]

Unless you want to live with a mess,don't do it.

[Anonymous]

Do not move in together to save money. That is a crap reason to move in together, and I say that as a person who has lived with several partners in the past. Move in together when you actually want to live together and are ready for that step.

[Anonymous]

If you move in with her, she's going to expect a ring soon. She will think this is obvious, but guys don't always realize this, so I'm telling you in advance.

As an organized, clean person, I couldn't marry a slob. I'd spend my whole life picking up after them and them not even appreciating it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you move in with her, she's going to expect a ring soon. She will think this is obvious, but guys don't always realize this, so I'm telling you in advance.

As an organized, clean person, I couldn't marry a slob. I'd spend my whole life picking up after them and them not even appreciating it.

This is so huge and people don't realize it. You're going to spend all your time tidying to YOUR standards and wanting the recognition from your s/o for doing it. Meanwhile, they were fine with the mess so don't appreciate the work you did since, in their mind, you did it for yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you move in with her, she's going to expect a ring soon. She will think this is obvious, but guys don't always realize this, so I'm telling you in advance.

As an organized, clean person, I couldn't marry a slob. I'd spend my whole life picking up after them and them not even appreciating it.

This is so huge and people don't realize it. You're going to spend all your time tidying to YOUR standards and wanting the recognition from your s/o for doing it. Meanwhile, they were fine with the mess so don't appreciate the work you did since, in their mind, you did it for yourself.

Also, yea, totally agree on the ring bit. Many (maybe most) people view moving in as the step before getting engaged while others just view it as a living situation choice similar to picking a roommate. Make sure you're on the same page.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you move in with her, she's going to expect a ring soon. She will think this is obvious, but guys don't always realize this, so I'm telling you in advance.

As an organized, clean person, I couldn't marry a slob. I'd spend my whole life picking up after them and them not even appreciating it.

This is so huge and people don't realize it. You're going to spend all your time tidying to YOUR standards and wanting the recognition from your s/o for doing it. Meanwhile, they were fine with the mess so don't appreciate the work you did since, in their mind, you did it for yourself.

Completely agree with this. Do not do it if you can't handle it.

I don't know how it is, but I'm a quasi neat-freak - always make the bed, pick up clothes, etc. My siblings are uber-slobs - like...disgusting and embarrassing to admit we're related. One of them has just had to completely remodel because of how badly she + slob hubby + 2 dogs + 3 cats + 2 children trashed it...and it is a 5k sqft. house, so it's not like they were pounding on a small space.

I also completely agree with the PP saying you need to have a blunt, direct conversation about this - NOW BEFORE YOU LIVE TOGETHER. Now, while you can be completely honest and each have someplace to retreat to if the conversation goes poorly. Honestly: "I could never live like this - I can't tolerate it". Tell her it's a deal-breaker now so she can decide if she actually wants to accept that she's the one who will have to change on this if she wants the relationship to go forward - now, before any talk of actually sharing a place or buying rings.

DW and I differed on a few things - hard deal breakers - it was so much easier to handle these things in the early days (2-3 months in) than later.

[Anonymous]

Dirty messy lazy people cause others severe stress and anxiety. Then they argue.

It's not worth the trouble. Find someone more like you.

[Anonymous]

Wow. PPs are harsh and missing the big picture here.

The truth is, there will always be something about your significant other that will bug the heck out of you, OP. Could be different tolerance to mess, could be something else. My DH is super messy, and unless I tidy up the common areas, but not his - that's his pile of stuff and I'm not responsible. I refuse to deal with it.

But the thing is that I still prefer him above all others - his qualities still shine above his faults. You have to take the whole package, OP. Only you know whether it's worth it!

[Anonymous]

6 months is too soon to move in. Have her sign another lease. If you get engaged in the next year, then move in together after the nect lease is up.
Ask her what's up with her room? Does she not have enough closet space? Where would ks your stuff go?

[Anonymous]

Oh, I read that 6 years, not 6 months. Way to early to move in unless you really are thinking about getting married to her. This is an inertial step. Harder to break up once you move in. Not that you can't, but much harder.

Money isn't a good reason to move with someone!