Terrible IL - what to do?

[Anonymous]

My H's parent is awful. My personal opinion is that there is some kind of personality disorder going on, but since the IL won't see a psychologist, who knows if I am correct. But, history of trouble in all relationships, no lasting friendships, doesn't speak to any family members. Always blames the other person for the issues, etc. IL has been terrible to me. Said nasty things, etc. A few years ago, H basically stopped engaging with this parent. No visits, little contact except for the occasional phone call. H now wants his parent to visit. On one hand, I want to support my H. He is a good guy, a good husband. He knows his parent is nuts, but feels a loyalty to parent simply for being his parent. I feel no such loyalty and think IL is terrible. Has been super nasty to me and H. WWYD?

[Anonymous]

Suck it up and do a 2-3 day visit. I tolerate my husband's father. Fortunately he'll never visit so its a non-issue. We've been out there a few times to visit but I refuse to visit again if he never comes here. He only calls a few times a year, usually if he needs something.

[Anonymous]

Let them visit under the condition that they stay in a hotel. Don't try to block the relationship. If they are as bad as you say they will sabotage themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let them visit under the condition that they stay in a hotel. Don't try to block the relationship. If they are as bad as you say they will sabotage themselves.

I wouldn't block it. I have told H to visit him. It more has to do with me (and our children) being around him.

[Anonymous]

To clarify: after a period of no contact, your husband now wants to invite his parent to your house for a visit?

How nasty was this IL to you in the past, exactly?

I had the same situation with my mother. She called us names, said and implied horrible things about DH when he was desperately looking for a job, accused us of the craziest things like messing with her fridge temperature on purpose while were at her house (!?) - so much that I vowed to cut off contact. DH persuaded me not to. We kept to a telephone-only relationship for a couple of years, then I finally invited my parents over for Christmas, mainly because I really missed my father, and really wanted him to develop a relationship with his grandchildren.

My mother was much better behaved as a visitor to my home than when we would come over to hers. I think some of her most egregious behavior must be linked to severe anxiety. Perhaps she actually can't stand having people over, I don't know.

So, I would say yes, on condition that I get to decide whether there is a next time after that, depending on this IL's behavior!

Stipulate that:
1. This visit must be extremely short, at most 3 days.
2. Your husband must defend you every time he hears a slur against you, immediately and regardless of company present.
3. That you will not be at the beck and call of the IL, if s/he is physically capable. I mean being a short-order cook, or going out and doing her shopping, etc. Of course, the host should make a common meal, prepare the guest room, offer to do laundry, ask for food allergies - basic guest services. But nothing you wouldn't do for any other guest in your home.
4. That you will keep a record of things the IL says when your husband is not here, and show him.
5. That if the IL is too disrespectful or too much of a handful in other ways, then s/he will not be invited again.

[Anonymous]

^ yes. H feels that parent has a real mental illness (some personality disorder) and because of that the behavior should be overlooked. I would be ok with that if the parent agreed to at least try getting treatment. Or, if spouse spoke with a therapist about how to handle it.

Parent will send is really nasty emails/leave nasty voicemails. I have let a few people close to me read/listen to them just to make sure I wasn't overreacting because of my dislike of parent. Every person has been appalled.

[Anonymous]

Also - I should add- all of H's siblings have cut this parent out totally. Some of their spouses have never even met parent. My H is probably the one who feels the worst about the relationship. The others are more mad. My H is sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ yes. H feels that parent has a real mental illness (some personality disorder) and because of that the behavior should be overlooked. I would be ok with that if the parent agreed to at least try getting treatment. Or, if spouse spoke with a therapist about how to handle it.

Parent will send is really nasty emails/leave nasty voicemails. I have let a few people close to me read/listen to them just to make sure I wasn't overreacting because of my dislike of parent. Every person has been appalled.

I'm 20:40. Your husband is wrong about overlooking mental illness. Relatives of mentally ill people *have* to limit contact for their own good, when it becomes too great a psychological trauma. It's self-preservation, and everybody is entitled to their own threshold for that. This is why parents of some mentally ill children have it so bad, since they can't very well abandon their kids.
But that's neither here nor there if the parent in question has not been aggressive face to face, since you are discussing a physical visit. A crazy co-worker of mine would send me the most harassing all-caps emails, threatening to call our boss over nothing (wish she had!), but every time I spoke to her in person she was delightful. Very creepy, and eventually I did request that she be re-assigned.

[Anonymous]

^ parent won't be aggressive face to face. But no doubt that we'll get a nasty call or email after the visit. And I have a very hard time overlooking the things that have been said to/about me and especially H. I have a lot of anger towards this parent for being so cruel to H (who by all accounts is a wonderful son).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ yes. H feels that parent has a real mental illness (some personality disorder) and because of that the behavior should be overlooked. I would be ok with that if the parent agreed to at least try getting treatment. Or, if spouse spoke with a therapist about how to handle it.

Parent will send is really nasty emails/leave nasty voicemails. I have let a few people close to me read/listen to them just to make sure I wasn't overreacting because of my dislike of parent. Every person has been appalled.

Ah, the nasty-grams. I am familiar with those. My relationship with my mil is essentially over because of her bad behaviour, but dh wants to maintain one and I don't interfere. We usually vacation somewhat near her during the summer (she lives an hour outside of a resort area), and dh will take the kids to have lunch with her while I do my own thing. I've washed my hands of it at this point. For me, I wouldn't host her at my house, but you have to do what makes sense to you. It's easier to think of her as simply a broken person when I don't have to interact with her anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ parent won't be aggressive face to face. But no doubt that we'll get a nasty call or email after the visit. And I have a very hard time overlooking the things that have been said to/about me and especially H. I have a lot of anger towards this parent for being so cruel to H (who by all accounts is a wonderful son).

Pp you were responding to. In that case, a visit wouldn't be such a hardship, but of course I understand that you may not want to go through with it. Remember that you don't have to pick up calls from this parent, or read any emails coming from them!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ parent won't be aggressive face to face. But no doubt that we'll get a nasty call or email after the visit. And I have a very hard time overlooking the things that have been said to/about me and especially H. I have a lot of anger towards this parent for being so cruel to H (who by all accounts is a wonderful son).

Pp you were responding to. In that case, a visit wouldn't be such a hardship, but of course I understand that you may not want to go through with it. Remember that you don't have to pick up calls from this parent, or read any emails coming from them!

Ugh. It just makes me sick to my stomach. I guess I should just suck it up. H would always let me take the lead with my own parents (of course, they are not crazy, so this is a much easier thing to do).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ yes. H feels that parent has a real mental illness (some personality disorder) and because of that the behavior should be overlooked. I would be ok with that if the parent agreed to at least try getting treatment. Or, if spouse spoke with a therapist about how to handle it.

Parent will send is really nasty emails/leave nasty voicemails. I have let a few people close to me read/listen to them just to make sure I wasn't overreacting because of my dislike of parent. Every person has been appalled.

Ah, the nasty-grams. I am familiar with those. My relationship with my mil is essentially over because of her bad behaviour, but dh wants to maintain one and I don't interfere. We usually vacation somewhat near her during the summer (she lives an hour outside of a resort area), and dh will take the kids to have lunch with her while I do my own thing. I've washed my hands of it at this point. For me, I wouldn't host her at my house, but you have to do what makes sense to you. It's easier to think of her as simply a broken person when I don't have to interact with her anymore.

Ha! Yes- nastygrams! What possesses someone to send something like that? A verbal assault would be better. At least I wouldn't be able to save a copy and reread it again and again.

[Anonymous]

Your husband should get some therapy or at least read some books about the personality disorder, because he's still trying to fix things and is feeling bad about himself because his parent is this way. It's horrible growing up with a parent like this, and you internalize all kinds of crazy messages.

[Anonymous]

Delete the emails and voicemails without finding out what they say.