BIL and SIL are chronically late (at least 1 hour or more)

[Anonymous]

DH's oldest brother and sister in law are always late. Like really late. They never call to say they are running late nor do they ever apologize. DH and his parents just roll with it but I find it incredibly rude. We have a newborn and they were supposed to come visit us at 4pm. It is now 5:50pm and no sign of them nor any call to tell us their ETA. Fine I don't have any where to be or anything planned but I could have napped or done a number of other things I the time I've wasted waiting for them. Not to mention now, they will be here at dinner time. I'm at a loss as to what I can do or say in this situation but I am floored that anyone thinks this is ok. Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

Next time if you want them there at 5, tell them 3:30. That is what I do with my dad. Order pizza or text them your carry out order for them to pick up on their way there.

[Anonymous]

Are they American? This behavior is kosher in other cultures, but I have very little patience for it on American soil.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are they American? This behavior is kosher in other cultures, but I have very little patience for it on American soil.

They've been in this country for nearly 40 years so don't think the "non-American" excuse holds. All schooling, college and grad school was done here so thy know the ways of this culture.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't answer the door when they finally showed up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't answer the door when they finally showed up.

Unfortunately I absolutely couldn't do that without being ex-communicated by DH and his family. I'm so pissed though - they'll see it on my face. It's now 6:15 so 2.25 hours and no sign of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't answer the door when they finally showed up.

Unfortunately I absolutely couldn't do that without being ex-communicated by DH and his family. I'm so pissed though - they'll see it on my face. It's now 6:15 so 2.25 hours and no sign of them.

Newborn? Sounds like you and the newborn might conveniently have an early bedtime tonight!

[Anonymous]

You should honestly stop inviting them for things that are only supposed to start when everyone is here!
If it's a meal, start without them.
Don't invite them to a restaurant.
If it's a stroll, start without them and call each other to meet, or not, somewhere along the way.
If they're in your home and it's your children's bedtimes and they have school the next day, push them out the door, even if they've just arrived.

DH's brother is always late like this, ie, more than an hour. He comes in and tucks into whatever food is left on the table. He is the most generous and adorable man I know.

My DH has this problem to a lesser extent, he runs about 30 minutes (I also have 3 friends who are late like DH).

Severe ADHD runs in my husband's family, and I can see my husband and BIL do not have an internal clock, and have trouble multitasking and evaluating the length of time it takes them to do something. This means they do not have sleep or meal routines, nor can they prioritize a routine for their children, since they do not feel the need for one themselves, and don't know how to create one. As we speak, dinner is more than an hour late, because for I chose not to do it myself or nag DH about the kids' dinner time.

I have tried to explain that one sets a deadline, and works backward from it, subtracting the correct time it takes to do each individual task, without forgetting any, and adding a little padding in case something doesn't go quite right. If BIL and DH were younger, perhaps by dint of persistence, this behavioral modification would work. But at their age and in the absence of medication, it's a lost cause. DH was only ever early for our wedding, because that was such a priority for him that he was hyper-focused on being early (and forgot everything else!).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are they American? This behavior is kosher in other cultures, but I have very little patience for it on American soil.

They've been in this country for nearly 40 years so don't think the "non-American" excuse holds. All schooling, college and grad school was done here so thy know the ways of this culture.

Culture isn't about how many years you've been in a country. It stays with you. Respect the fact that they have different values. Some things you do may be very disrespectful to them. Unless they've spoken up about it, you wouldn't know, just like they may not know that this isn't one of those occasions where being late is OK. Your spouse needs to talk to them and let them know that, even if they don't intend to be rude, in your culture, it is rude. While other people might not mind, you do, and out of respect for you, they should be on time.

When there are differences, you can have conversations about this...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are they American? This behavior is kosher in other cultures, but I have very little patience for it on American soil.

They've been in this country for nearly 40 years so don't think the "non-American" excuse holds. All schooling, college and grad school was done here so thy know the ways of this culture.

Culture isn't about how many years you've been in a country. It stays with you. Respect the fact that they have different values. Some things you do may be very disrespectful to them. Unless they've spoken up about it, you wouldn't know, just like they may not know that this isn't one of those occasions where being late is OK. Your spouse needs to talk to them and let them know that, even if they don't intend to be rude, in your culture, it is rude. While other people might not mind, you do, and out of respect for you, they should be on time.

When there are differences, you can have conversations about this...

You have to be kidding. When one is late, it is a sign of disrespect. The late person is declaring their time is more important than the time of the others waiting for them. How is OP supposed to respect someone who so blatantly disrespects her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
You should honestly stop inviting them for things that are only supposed to start when everyone is here!
If it's a meal, start without them.
Don't invite them to a restaurant.
If it's a stroll, start without them and call each other to meet, or not, somewhere along the way.
If they're in your home and it's your children's bedtimes and they have school the next day, push them out the door, even if they've just arrived.

DH's brother is always late like this, ie, more than an hour. He comes in and tucks into whatever food is left on the table. He is the most generous and adorable man I know.

My DH has this problem to a lesser extent, he runs about 30 minutes (I also have 3 friends who are late like DH).

Severe ADHD runs in my husband's family, and I can see my husband and BIL do not have an internal clock, and have trouble multitasking and evaluating the length of time it takes them to do something. This means they do not have sleep or meal routines, nor can they prioritize a routine for their children, since they do not feel the need for one themselves, and don't know how to create one. As we speak, dinner is more than an hour late, because for I chose not to do it myself or nag DH about the kids' dinner time.

I have tried to explain that one sets a deadline, and works backward from it, subtracting the correct time it takes to do each individual task, without forgetting any, and adding a little padding in case something doesn't go quite right. If BIL and DH were younger, perhaps by dint of persistence, this behavioral modification would work. But at their age and in the absence of medication, it's a lost cause. DH was only ever early for our wedding, because that was such a priority for him that he was hyper-focused on being early (and forgot everything else!).

+1 What this PP is describing is also what you will need to do with your kids…basically don't save them if they are late, but have them learn the consequences of being late.

Now I don't suggest you do the other things like don't answer the door because it's too combative and you will only lose that one in the end by pissing off your DH, but I do think you should eat without them and save stuff for when they arrive (and be pleasant about it! Make up their plates. Then say, "Oh, we ate at 6 but we saved your plates for you" and heat it up and hand it to them. You can sit with them a little, or one of you sit and the other put the baby to bed. Note they will wish (to themselves) that they had seconds, and also they will realize that they didn't get to make the plate up the way they wanted it. But we are still all being polite.

I also wonder if it's only one person of the couple that is doing this, and the other is spending all their time desperately trying to get the first one there. This is a dynamic that happens with one of my friends (her DH has ADHD). It's so stressful for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are they American? This behavior is kosher in other cultures, but I have very little patience for it on American soil.

They've been in this country for nearly 40 years so don't think the "non-American" excuse holds. All schooling, college and grad school was done here so thy know the ways of this culture.

Culture isn't about how many years you've been in a country. It stays with you. Respect the fact that they have different values. Some things you do may be very disrespectful to them. Unless they've spoken up about it, you wouldn't know, just like they may not know that this isn't one of those occasions where being late is OK. Your spouse needs to talk to them and let them know that, even if they don't intend to be rude, in your culture, it is rude. While other people might not mind, you do, and out of respect for you, they should be on time.

When there are differences, you can have conversations about this...

It goes both ways. They should also respect that OP has been waiting for some time.

OP, can you call and just say you'll see them another day? Feign a headache and say you are going to sleep?

[Anonymous]

OP here. I'm not buying into some convenient excuse that they have a different culture. They have been in this country since age 7 and 8 and they are now in their mid 40s so that's b.s.

They showed up at 6:30. Brought their sick son who is sniffling and coughing all over the place. And I have a 3 week old. I'm not happy.

[Anonymous]

Doubly rude. Keep the baby away from this kid and give them a fake early start time next occasion

[Anonymous]

So this would be the point where you address the issue with them, politely but firmly. However, I have a feeling you're not going to and just continue to complain.