BIL and SIL are chronically late (at least 1 hour or more)

[Anonymous]

My MIL is like this. We generally start/leave without her. Once she was 6 hours late! She was 2 hours late for her own bday brunch. She was getting her nails done. Her lateness/disrespect is one of the reasons I can't stand her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I told DH that it was rude to keep us waiting he said "what does it matter? We're not going anywhere. We don't have any place to be".

But he should care that it bothers you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH's oldest brother and sister in law are always late. Like really late. They never call to say they are running late nor do they ever apologize. DH and his parents just roll with it but I find it incredibly rude. We have a newborn and they were supposed to come visit us at 4pm. It is now 5:50pm and no sign of them nor any call to tell us their ETA. Fine I don't have any where to be or anything planned but I could have napped or done a number of other things I the time I've wasted waiting for them. Not to mention now, they will be here at dinner time. I'm at a loss as to what I can do or say in this situation but I am floored that anyone thinks this is ok. Thoughts?

They need an end time, and your DH needs to be on board with holding them to it. Next time they want to visit at 4 p.m., say, "great, we'll block out 4-6 p.m. After that we won't be available." If they show up at 5:30, hang out until 6, then say, "great to see you! As we said, we've got things we need to do now. Bye!" If they come at 6:30, say, "Oh, too bad you couldn't make it earlier. We're busy now, but we'll see you next time!"

When I told DH that it was rude to keep us waiting he said "what does it matter? We're not going anywhere. We don't have any place to be".

I'm kind of with your DH, if you have no where else to be, what does it matter? It's family, maybe they were bringing dinner. Everyone in my family is chronically late - not hours, but usually if told say 5, we are there while it is still 5-something. It's only if it impacts something like concerts, ceremonies etc. and in that case we (whichever family member it is) makes clear the time is important.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH's oldest brother and sister in law are always late. Like really late. They never call to say they are running late nor do they ever apologize. DH and his parents just roll with it but I find it incredibly rude. We have a newborn and they were supposed to come visit us at 4pm. It is now 5:50pm and no sign of them nor any call to tell us their ETA. Fine I don't have any where to be or anything planned but I could have napped or done a number of other things I the time I've wasted waiting for them. Not to mention now, they will be here at dinner time. I'm at a loss as to what I can do or say in this situation but I am floored that anyone thinks this is ok. Thoughts?

They need an end time, and your DH needs to be on board with holding them to it. Next time they want to visit at 4 p.m., say, "great, we'll block out 4-6 p.m. After that we won't be available." If they show up at 5:30, hang out until 6, then say, "great to see you! As we said, we've got things we need to do now. Bye!" If they come at 6:30, say, "Oh, too bad you couldn't make it earlier. We're busy now, but we'll see you next time!"

When I told DH that it was rude to keep us waiting he said "what does it matter? We're not going anywhere. We don't have any place to be".

I'm kind of with your DH, if you have no where else to be, what does it matter? It's family, maybe they were bringing dinner. Everyone in my family is chronically late - not hours, but usually if told say 5, we are there while it is still 5-something. It's only if it impacts something like concerts, ceremonies etc. and in that case we (whichever family member it is) makes clear the time is important.

Could not disagree more. It is so rude. If you commit to something, you do it. It's beyond obnoxious to be more than the typical 10 or 15 minutes late. And that's not even accounting for the fact that OP has a newborn. How very thoughtless and disrespectful of them. OP shouldn't have to address this; her husband should have texted them after they'd waited- oh I don't know - an hour and said it would no longer work bc they were too late.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH's oldest brother and sister in law are always late. Like really late. They never call to say they are running late nor do they ever apologize. DH and his parents just roll with it but I find it incredibly rude. We have a newborn and they were supposed to come visit us at 4pm. It is now 5:50pm and no sign of them nor any call to tell us their ETA. Fine I don't have any where to be or anything planned but I could have napped or done a number of other things I the time I've wasted waiting for them. Not to mention now, they will be here at dinner time. I'm at a loss as to what I can do or say in this situation but I am floored that anyone thinks this is ok. Thoughts?

They need an end time, and your DH needs to be on board with holding them to it. Next time they want to visit at 4 p.m., say, "great, we'll block out 4-6 p.m. After that we won't be available." If they show up at 5:30, hang out until 6, then say, "great to see you! As we said, we've got things we need to do now. Bye!" If they come at 6:30, say, "Oh, too bad you couldn't make it earlier. We're busy now, but we'll see you next time!"

When I told DH that it was rude to keep us waiting he said "what does it matter? We're not going anywhere. We don't have any place to be".

I'm kind of with your DH, if you have no where else to be, what does it matter? It's family, maybe they were bringing dinner. Everyone in my family is chronically late - not hours, but usually if told say 5, we are there while it is still 5-something. It's only if it impacts something like concerts, ceremonies etc. and in that case we (whichever family member it is) makes clear the time is important.

Could not disagree more. It is so rude. If you commit to something, you do it. It's beyond obnoxious to be more than the typical 10 or 15 minutes late. And that's not even accounting for the fact that OP has a newborn. How very thoughtless and disrespectful of them. OP shouldn't have to address this; her husband should have texted them after they'd waited- oh I don't know - an hour and said it would no longer work bc they were too late.

OP here. yes! Given the fact that I am up every 2 hours at night nursing a newborn, my time is precious (as I'm up right now). I could have used the time that I waited for them to sleep, rest, get some things done around the house. Instead I sat "ready" my newborn waiting for them to arrive. DH doesn't sleep in the same room as us at night so he gets a full night of rest - I do baby duty solo. So while he may think "no big deal - we have no place to be", I wholeheartedly disagree.

[Anonymous]

Oh and at 6pm on Saturday night I did text SIL and say "Do you have an ETA? We were expecting you at 4 ". That text went unanswered of course.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP here. yes! Given the fact that I am up every 2 hours at night nursing a newborn, my time is precious (as I'm up right now). I could have used the time that I waited for them to sleep, rest, get some things done around the house. Instead I sat "ready" my newborn waiting for them to arrive. DH doesn't sleep in the same room as us at night so he gets a full night of rest - I do baby duty solo. So while he may think "no big deal - we have no place to be", I wholeheartedly disagree.

Assume BIL and SIL are not going to change. So what can you do that is still polite but leaves you with less resentment? If part of the issue is that your DH doesn't get what having a ridulously long hosting window means to you, let him take on more of the burden when family visits. Logistically speaking unless you pump breast milk and the baby can be bottle fed you are tied without a break until the baby is older. But once you either make it possible for DH to gave the baby breast milk via a bottle or the you've stopped breastfeeding, if you need to do an errand, head out and incorporate the 1 hour BIL/SIL delay while DH is with the baby. Give BIL/SIL a fake time and take a nap before they arrive. Have DH do more with the prep for his family visits. Also as someone mentioned get him on the same page on when dinner starts whether they are there or not and baby's bedtime no matter what time they arrive.

[Anonymous]

How often do your BIL and SIL visit? Can you just go about your day as though they weren't coming? Eat, sleep, take a walk, run errands, whatever. If they show up and it's mealtime, have something delivered, explaining (factually, not as though you're aggrieved) that you didn't know when they were coming, so you didn't want to plan any meals.

They are not going to change. Go live your life and, on visiting days, do what you would do if they weren't going to show up eventually.

[Anonymous]

If you know they are going to be late, don't wait for them. If they are more than 15 minutes late and you want to take a nap, go take a nap. Seriously. Tell your husband, "You can wake me up when they get here." You can't make them be on time, but you can make it so that they don't inconvenience you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you know they are going to be late, don't wait for them. If they are more than 15 minutes late and you want to take a nap, go take a nap. Seriously. Tell your husband, "You can wake me up when they get here." You can't make them be on time, but you can make it so that they don't inconvenience you.

I whole heartedly agree with this (and the 9:41PP). I agreed with some of the others who suggested an end time but it doesn't seem like your DH is OK with that. That in an of itself is a problem, but in the meanwhile, do something like this. Wait 10-15 min, then just act as if they cancelled.

[Anonymous]

When you make the plans, tell them your limitations. "Hey BIL/SIL, we'd love to see you at 4pm. It'll need to be a quick visit because I have something to do at 5:30. Can't wait!". Then, if they are late, you don't entertain them. Or you see them for 15 minutes. Or not at all.

This is what I do with my ALWAYS late in laws. We stick to our schedule, if that means they only get one hour, and not two, with the baby, that's on them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When you make the plans, tell them your limitations. "Hey BIL/SIL, we'd love to see you at 4pm. It'll need to be a quick visit because I have something to do at 5:30. Can't wait!". Then, if they are late, you don't entertain them. Or you see them for 15 minutes. Or not at all.

This is what I do with my ALWAYS late in laws. We stick to our schedule, if that means they only get one hour, and not two, with the baby, that's on them.

Also, after 15 minutes, I always have my DH call them to find out where they are. Often they haven't even left yet (they live 45 minutes away). That helps, because it nudges them that they are late, and then I know I still have an hour before arrival. I'll do what I want (go for a walk, nap, eat) in that time.

One time my MIL was over an hour late. It was a beautiful afternoon and I really wanted to take the baby for a walk. But we were sitting around waiting for them to arrive. Since they were already late, I just headed out with the baby. As soon as we got out the door, my MIL pulled up. She was visibly annoyed I was leaving right as she arrived. OH WELL. I offered for her to join us, but told her I couldn't waste the gorgeous weather. That was on her for being over and HOUR late.

[Anonymous]

Just the act of you or husband being the one to call puts you out. Don' t do it.

[Anonymous]

Punctuality is the politeness of kings is what I was brought up on and what I have taught my children. I cannot tolerate people who are habitually late. I disagree with your DH. You made plans for them to be there at a specific time not three hours later. I would already be in bed and not answer door when they finally arrive. I would also tell them I. Future that if they cannot be in time, stay home.

[Anonymous]

Keeping people from being mad should never be the goal when someone has not carried through on a commitment. Any scenario.