BIL and SIL are chronically late (at least 1 hour or more)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm not buying into some convenient excuse that they have a different culture. They have been in this country since age 7 and 8 and they are now in their mid 40s so that's b.s.

They showed up at 6:30. Brought their sick son who is sniffling and coughing all over the place. And I have a 3 week old. I'm not happy.

What backward culture thinks it's okay to be this late?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So this would be the point where you address the issue with them, politely but firmly. However, I have a feeling you're not going to and just continue to complain.

[Anonymous]

Please ask them politely if they feel like they really would rather be somewhere else? I am a chronically late person and usually there is some dread about being wherever I have to go. If I want to be somewhere I can manage to be fifteen minutes late but it grows the less I want to be there. You will neither insult them not surprise them by asking. They know they are late and they want to be late. It might not be about you at all. It might be that they are easily distracted and enjoy meandering through life with only their own wants and desires to fill. Just ask them gently and listen to what they say. Then you can decide if you ever want to invite them again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So this would be the point where you address the issue with them, politely but firmly. However, I have a feeling you're not going to and just continue to complain.

+1

[Anonymous]

Two strategies:

1. Begin making bets about how late they'll be. At least you get some entertainment.

2. Only make plans such that if/when they are late, you can continue on with the plans. So, they are coming to eat? You start eating. To see the kids? You put kids to bed on regular schedule. Or only make plans with a wide timeframe.
I learned this strategy early on with one friend who was perpetually an hour late.

[Anonymous]

Tell them!!!

[Anonymous]

I would have went to bed or left the house. 1.5 hours late is absurd!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would have went to bed or left the house. 1.5 hours late is absurd!!

They were 2.5 hours late.

[Anonymous]

This is about empowerment. I would make other plans for yourself for a later time and stick to it. Did you invite them to come at 4:00 expecting them to stay until 6:00 with no mention of dinner? Well you should be walking out of your house with someplace you need to be by 6:15/6:30. If you see them fine, if you don't fine. If you only see them for a few minutes, fine. No drama. You owe no one an explanation.

[Anonymous]

For gods sake, it's family. Just go about your business for the evening and go to bed when you want. Stop pouting. This is how they are , just relax about it and do you.

[Anonymous]

Come over! We're having dinner at 6.

You still eat at 6ish. They can join you whenever, at least that's what I'd do. I wouldn't put myself out and I wouldn't forbid them from coming at other times.

[Anonymous]

I very much dislike the culture excuse. You know why? It's just plain stupid. If you don't plan to be somewhere until 6pm, WHY ON EARTH would you say you're coming at 4:30?? It's stupid and I am usually a very open minded person, but this never ever made sense to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH's oldest brother and sister in law are always late. Like really late. They never call to say they are running late nor do they ever apologize. DH and his parents just roll with it but I find it incredibly rude. We have a newborn and they were supposed to come visit us at 4pm. It is now 5:50pm and no sign of them nor any call to tell us their ETA. Fine I don't have any where to be or anything planned but I could have napped or done a number of other things I the time I've wasted waiting for them. Not to mention now, they will be here at dinner time. I'm at a loss as to what I can do or say in this situation but I am floored that anyone thinks this is ok. Thoughts?

My BIL and SIL are always late too, OP. We used to attribute it to them having small children. But now, their children are in their teens and twenties, so there is really no excuse. On more than one holiday, we would be (less late than they were) late, and would call to ask for the family to save food for our children (not us, just the children), since they were looking forward to holiday dinner with their cousins. Nope. Same BIL and SIL who are perpetually late did nothing to ensure that food was left for anyone else, ironically.

Do what you have to do, OP. They are inconsiderate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please ask them politely if they feel like they really would rather be somewhere else? I am a chronically late person and usually there is some dread about being wherever I have to go. If I want to be somewhere I can manage to be fifteen minutes late but it grows the less I want to be there. You will neither insult them not surprise them by asking. They know they are late and they want to be late. It might not be about you at all. It might be that they are easily distracted and enjoy meandering through life with only their own wants and desires to fill. Just ask them gently and listen to what they say. Then you can decide if you ever want to invite them again.

You have got to be kidding. This would be considered a sarcastic remark by everyone I know.

[Anonymous]

Look, I'm freaking married to a different culture man, and whenever he tries to use the culture excuse bullshit with me, I ask him, "if someone told you there's a million dollars waiting for you, but only if you show up on time, would you do it?" The answer is of course. People come on time to the things they see as important.