feeling deflated; expectations too high?

[Anonymous]

I am having a strange dilemma regarding my feelings towards my relationship. I have an absolutely adorable boyfriend who worships the ground I walk on and tends to my every need. He is patient and gentle with me even when I am at my worst. I love him to pieces. However, we have had a roller coaster relationship. We started off with me being in love with him but he dumped me for his ex girlfriend to getting back together to me feeling resenful of that for almost a year. 2 years later, I wanted to get married and he kept saying he wanted to marry me too but wouldn't actively try to plan an engagement or work towards it. Finally he seems to be coming around and now I just feel...exhausted. I feel underwhelmed. I feel like he gives me what I want but only after I'm done asking and begging for it. I don't feel excited anymore and am instead find myself feeling annoyed and disappointed.

[Anonymous]

Hello, he's not giving you what you want or tending to your every need. You say he worships the ground you walk on but he dumped you to be with an ex and now leaves you feeling annoyed and disappointed. Your needs are not being met.

Newsflash: You want to be loved and feel secure without having to ask and beg for it. This is a normal human need.

DTMFA. Seriously. I am sorry, but get yourself out of this and get yourself into some therapy to understand these abnormal relationship dynamics. I am guessing you have some messed up family-of-origin issues that make you feel you are not deserving of love and that is why you put up with this kind of crap. Your mention of "roller coaster" and "when I am at my worst" make me wonder if borderline personality disorder is at play here, which I don't say in any disparaging way--I'm just mentioning it as the kind of thing that can be identified and helped tremendously with a trained therapist.

Your expectations are not too high. Go off by yourself and learn to love yourself with the help of a therapist. I bet after that you'll meet a guy who gives you love freely.

[Anonymous]

You only like the chase and now that he is threatening to stay with you forever you want out. When you loved him you knew he was hung up on someone else. You kept trying to get him to marry you but he wouldn't yet you stayed with him. Now he is ready and you just aren't excited enough. Obviously you don't actually want to keep him.

[Anonymous]

Op So you got what you wanted and the challenge is over so your bored.


Very immature.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am having a strange dilemma regarding my feelings towards my relationship. I have an absolutely adorable boyfriend who worships the ground I walk on and tends to my every need. He is patient and gentle with me even when I am at my worst. I love him to pieces. However, we have had a roller coaster relationship. We started off with me being in love with him but he dumped me for his ex girlfriend to getting back together to me feeling resenful of that for almost a year. 2 years later, I wanted to get married and he kept saying he wanted to marry me too but wouldn't actively try to plan an engagement or work towards it. Finally he seems to be coming around and now I just feel...exhausted. I feel underwhelmed. I feel like he gives me what I want but only after I'm done asking and begging for it. I don't feel excited anymore and am instead find myself feeling annoyed and disappointed.

Worships the ground you walk on but dump you for his ex? Carefully think through that for a minute. You have all the information you need to make the best relationship decision for yourself moving forward.

[Anonymous]

This is OP.

I realized after a while that I wanted to feel like I am special for him. The fact that he dumped me for his ex once, keeps reminding me that I am really not that special to him. It bruised my ego and I can't let it go. He really is sweet and kind but he can be kind of selfish. He kept talking about marriage for 2 years and after waiting and waiting and waiting, now I feel exhausted. I was ready 2 years ago. Now if he does propose I'm gonna feel like, why now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am having a strange dilemma regarding my feelings towards my relationship. I have an absolutely adorable boyfriend who worships the ground I walk on and tends to my every need. He is patient and gentle with me even when I am at my worst. I love him to pieces. However, we have had a roller coaster relationship. We started off with me being in love with him but he dumped me for his ex girlfriend to getting back together to me feeling resenful of that for almost a year. 2 years later, I wanted to get married and he kept saying he wanted to marry me too but wouldn't actively try to plan an engagement or work towards it. Finally he seems to be coming around and now I just feel...exhausted. I feel underwhelmed. I feel like he gives me what I want but only after I'm done asking and begging for it. I don't feel excited anymore and am instead find myself feeling annoyed and disappointed.

Worships the ground you walk on but dump you for his ex? Carefully think through that for a minute. You have all the information you need to make the best relationship decision for yourself moving forward.

He does AFTER he came back and we got back together. He makes me dinner almost every night, runs errands for me, watches every chick flick with me that I want, buys me organic food etc.

[Anonymous]

You are the problem. Don't saddle him with your messed up view of love. Life is not a fairytale. Nowhere in your description do I get the impression that he would describe how much you do for him.

[Anonymous]

First off dh dumped me early on. I either had to trust him or move on but there's no in between.

Secondly I think you are attracted to the dynamic you have. You prefer it when he us unavailable but the exhaustion you feel when he is there reflects disengaging. Have you always been attracted to unavailability?

[Anonymous]

"I have an absolutely adorable boyfriend who worships the ground I walk on"

OP, you should not be talking marriage with the relationship in the state that it is in. I strongly encourage you both to engage in couples counseling.

[Anonymous]

To be honest, if he “worships the ground” you walk on, he’s probably a good b*llsh*tter or a bit of a simp. And you are apparently vain enough to buy into it.

A healthy man wouldn’t be that grandiose. He would simply be respectful, loving, and supportive.

[Anonymous]

My DH sent mixed signals in the beginning - he hadn't fully recovered from his prior relationship (or the idea of it). Even though my DH didn't go back to that ex, he was stuck on her in his mind, which was bad enough. We broke up three times maybe in the first year of dating. He is now the most steady, reliable (emotionally and otherwise) man you could ever ask for. In fact, he is the clingy one now. Relationship dynamics change and people change...

Read up on attachment styles, but, based on my experience, it's not necessarily dead in the water. Based on what you shared, I could imagine it was pretty hurtful that he went back to her, and you've harbored some resentment over it. I don't blame you if that's the case, but you'll have to let it go if you want to stay with this guy.

[Anonymous]

How do people this immature even find DCUM? I always suspect troll when OP sounds 24.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First off dh dumped me early on. I either had to trust him or move on but there's no in between.

Secondly I think you are attracted to the dynamic you have. You prefer it when he us unavailable but the exhaustion you feel when he is there reflects disengaging. Have you always been attracted to unavailability?

This. You either get past it or you don’t. Staying with him and holding back a piece of your heart forever, or resenting him, or holding it against him and refusing to forgive...aren’t viable options. Either stay and forgive, or go. And there does seem to be a part of you that is energized by the chase, and deflates when you get what you want.

Your thread is very self-focused. I don’t sense a deep love for your BF; it’s all about what he does for you, what needs of yours he meets and how he makes you feel (or not feel). Do you even love the guy for reasons beyond any of that? What is your connection like? The dynamic of you resenting him for the start of your relationship while he fetches you organic food and “worships” you...and you measuring the value of your relationship by what he does for you...is toxic.

[Anonymous]

I have an absolutely adorable boyfriend who worships the ground I walk on and tends to my every need. He is patient and gentle with me even when I am at my worst.

Not surprised you're bored with this doormat.