If you met me ... (Be a real friend)

[Anonymous]

If you met me a few years ago, you would have noticed the incredible hours I worked, how I could handle complex transactions with ease, how my children and pets were happy, how well I treated my nanny, how generous of spirit I was (philanthropy, personal sacrifice and service, volunteering), how put together I looked. I leaned in before it was a thing.

Then, I could no longer keep together the facade of my two-decade abusive marriage. I became suicidal. One of my children began to have problems in and out of school. Our family was torn apart.

Now, I am trying to put myself back together. Some friends really get it and have stuck with me the whole ride. Others listen patiently to my explanations of how abusive relationships work but then say every time - "Are all divorces this unpleasant?" I can't be perfect anymore. The kids - thank G-d - are better. That part, which was most important, is done. Now I am working on me. I don't always have the energy to do everything I should. I don't always wear the right thing. I haven't made sure I look my very best with the dermatologist's needle in a long time,and I am not sure I can afford it. Everywhere I go, people see the slippage. How I was two days late on that thing at work. How my suit is a little frayed. How I am a little more wrinkled. Yes, there I was at the hospital so very alone, talking the nurse's ear off, as I thanked her for my care, about my ex-husband and the last boyfriend I had, and not sounding at all like the put together person who maintained that facade.

Be patient with me. I'm on a journey. I never was perfect before. Just human. Only you can see it more now. I really do my best. I know it is not as good as before. Yet I know I can be that lean in girl who can do all the crazy hard stuff again. Just give me a little time for my girls and me. I know you think I've had enough time already, but I haven't. I've seen some of you give up because it is taking so long, or because you didn't know it would be so hard and crazy, or because you didn't have the energy. So try being my friend. I'll be yours back. And if you ever find yourself in these shoes, you will know I have been there and get it. Those are my best girlfriends now - the ones who also carry big scars from what life has dealt them in whatever form.

[Vsubois19]

I will always be there for my friends.

[Anonymous]

Right, OP. Lots of us have been there and ARE there. I'm trying to put the pieces together, like you, and if I get one piece in place, twenty more fly off. I don't ask for help and I put on a facade, though I'm obviously a hot mess. Some of my friends get it, and they're the ones who've also been through abuse or other tough times. I was just thinking this morning about some of my former friends, good people but with limited compassion, who judge and lose patience when someone struggles.

[Anonymous]

Hang in there, OP. I am rooting for you.

[Anonymous]

God bless you, OP. I give you all the Internet hugs today. Do what's best for you. You are setting a beautiful example for your children. Grace under fire isn't always perfect, but it's always to be admired. They aren't your friends if they demand a facade in light of the very real issues you're coping with these days. Let go of what fails to directly serve your interests, and target healing. Give yourself the time and space you need, without apology.

After a loved one's suicide, I would burst into ugly cries and weeping in CVS. I did NOT care who saw. The pain spilled out everywhere. I nearly choked on it. Toxic. Toxic! No apologies.

I will say take care of yourself. You may let go of the needle, but try not to gain weight like I did. White bread and ice cream became my crutch. It didn't serve me well in the end. So, try to find healthy outlets. Sure, not every outfit will be dry cleaned after one wear, but make damn sure you get enough sleep and try try try to bathe regularly. It's not about what others see. That, I couldn't care less about. It's about the way it will harm you. Nourish yourself with good things.

Find someone to talk to about this. I would really suggest a grief and loss counselor. You may be guided toward someone specializing in DV since that is your experience. But, so much of what you say seems consistent with grief, I'd ask you to consider this as an option that's more likely to address the heart of things.

Again, more and more love to you today. Cherish yourself and your journey. Wishing you every bit of peace you can find for yourself, OP.

Take care.

[Anonymous]

Great advice. Life isn't a ferris wheel. It is a crazy roller coaster. I, too, am in one of those stages where things aren't perfect or even acceptably imperfect, and most of my friends are in their own hot messes, too. Hang on (OP and anyone else who identifies with this) and give yourself a huge pat on the back for having accomplished what you have so far.

[Anonymous]

You're probably a better person now . Someone more valuable to true friends. This often comes at a high price that most are terrified to pay.

[Anonymous]

Go girl !! Chin up and move on, f**k the people that doubt you. Real friends are the ones that stick by you during hard times.

[Anonymous]

The people who didn't love the whole you before weren't really your friends. Yes you may have fewer friends now, but you no longer need to wonder if they are true friends - you will know it. And know that they love you in your totality and that you don't have to pretend in front of them. And in return they will feel able to be their true selves with you and will love you for that gift. We all want to feel whole. And that doesn't mean overcoming the dark parts but rather learning to live with them as a part of our totality.

You are loved OP for you. Your facade may be cracked now, but now it is real. And I would rather have 2 real friends then 100 perfect facades.

May you find your peace on this journey.

[Anonymous]

It's terrible you had to go through that to find out who really valued your friendship, but now you now. Focus on those people who are listening and care and to the devil with the others.

[Anonymous]

now you KNOW

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The people who didn't love the whole you before weren't really your friends. Yes you may have fewer friends now, but you no longer need to wonder if they are true friends - you will know it. And know that they love you in your totality and that you don't have to pretend in front of them. And in return they will feel able to be their true selves with you and will love you for that gift. We all want to feel whole. And that doesn't mean overcoming the dark parts but rather learning to live with them as a part of our totality.

You are loved OP for you. Your facade may be cracked now, but now it is real. And I would rather have 2 real friends then 100 perfect facades.

May you find your peace on this journey.

It is true. Your real friends are the ones who stick with you when you are a hot mess, and I know from experience. I recently had a breakdown and drove myself to the hospital because I thought I was going crazy. Six months ago, I left my emotionally abusive marriage - I had lived in survival mode for 12 years with a hsusband who suffered from a mental illness and substance abusive. I thought I needed to be his caregiver and the stable parent for my child. It sucked the life out of me.

After my breakdown, I only recovered from the support of my true friends and colleagues who love me. I could not imagine a life without them and would do anything for them.

You are loved, OP.

[Anonymous]

Op here. Thanks to you all. All really good thoughts by you all here. I am so sad to read that so many are struggling, including with abuse. Sending love back out to you all.

[Anonymous]

Hugs OP. You're not alone. There are many of us presenting a façade to acquaintances, colleagues and even dear friends and family.

I'll tell my story too. After many years in a high stress job raising kids, I had a nervous breakdown. I found myself in front of my computer one morning unable to type, function. It came seemingly out of nowhere. I'm a Type A who could previously deal with any pressure thrown my way with ease. I was actually very proud of this trait.

It was scary as hell. I crawled back to semi normal with the help of dear friends, family and colleagues. It was very hard to open up and share, but I knew I needed help.

I've since learned that no one can sustain high pressure stress long term and function well. Eventually, everyone breaks. I've learned to stop and smell the roses and carve out time to take care of myself too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The people who didn't love the whole you before weren't really your friends. Yes you may have fewer friends now, but you no longer need to wonder if they are true friends - you will know it. And know that they love you in your totality and that you don't have to pretend in front of them. And in return they will feel able to be their true selves with you and will love you for that gift. We all want to feel whole. And that doesn't mean overcoming the dark parts but rather learning to live with them as a part of our totality.

You are loved OP for you. Your facade may be cracked now, but now it is real. And I would rather have 2 real friends then 100 perfect facades.

May you find your peace on this journey.

Well said. You're not alone, OP - and i don't give a rat's ass about your skin or your frayed suit. Hugs.