Help me I'm an awful person!

[Anonymous]

I am very ashamed of what I am about to post because, as the title suggests, you will despise me and I feel terrible. However, I really need to let my feelings out, so here goes.

I have a sister who is dating a mogul, an insanely wealthy and succesful man with an international business. He comes from a very well known, powerful and influential family. Unlike most such people, he is very kind, deep and down to earth. He is very handsome and emotionally and intellectually mature, which is what she needs. He seems close to proposing, as his family (who all adore her) have hinted several times.

So, what’s the problem? Me being the green-eyed monster. I am so jealous and I’m really ashamed of that . Nobody knows this, but it’s eating at me that I can’t have the life my sister is about to have. I had to put it this bluntly because I need to admit it to myself too and come clean.

I am already married and have been for almost 2 years now. I love my husband but nobody is perfect. He works in a sketchy not well respected job even though he works harder than anyone I have ever known. However, his salary is far from proportional to the work he puts in and is shockingly low. So low, in fact, that it will be a while before we can support a child or buy a house.

When we met, he was a fresh graduate school grad who was interning at a real estate firm. I thought his future income-wise, was brought. All I asked him while we were engaged was whether he was sure he could financially support a household and he said absolutely. Truth is, we barely make ends meet. He decided he did not like real estate and now works in a field that isn't known for huge paychecks. I myself have made poor career choices and have not been lucky in my career, so I am a bit behind my peers on that.

When I was younger, my family suffered a huge financial catastrophe and it was a very tough time for me. All I ever wanted since then, was to give any children I have financial security and spare them the stress I felt as a child. I wished too that when I was older, I could feel this kind of financial security myself. I know this makes me sounds really greedy. I would never marry a man for his money, and I would always continue to work, no matter how wealthy we were. It’s just the sweet luxury of not having to struggle and stress about money, not having to worry about making ends meet, not having to worry about satisfying your child’s needs.

Now I’m feeling that not only do I not have that but i will also feel extremely inferior to my sister, with the lifestyle, clothes, jewelry, everything that she will have. Unless something changes, my children will feel inferior to their cousins. She has told me she would love to have four children and so would I. But it seems that she will be able to afford having such a large family and I won’t.

It also hurts to watch how romantic, excited and infatuated her man is with her, when my husband is not particularly romantic. It’s our second anniversary today and he has only made reservations for dinner after grumbling about how expensive it is going to be. He is an extremely kind and loving man but sometimes has a temper and isn’t normally particularly romantic in the typical sense. Of course, while we were engaged and especially when we were first dating, he was much more romantic than he is now. I find that with my sister’s situation, I am starting to resent my husband! I can’t believe it, but I’m not feeling particularly romantic towards him, even on our second dating anniversary. I can’t believe it and it maked me feel so guilty and terrible. I must be a monster. He has done so much for me, he has been a good husband. He is extremely handsome. How could I feel this way? Can jealousy really take me that far? It is even starting to show and he has asked me a few times what’s wrong. I feel terrible. I married my first ever boyfriend and am now starting to wonder what else is out there for me . My thoughts are so ugly! “Did I make the right choice? Maybe I could have found a more successful man.”

I just want to say that, having said all that, I don’t wish any of this away for my sister. I love her so much and want her to be happy. I just wish so badly I could have the same. Everyone said my wedding was amazing but her wedding looks like it will be a fairytale, that my wedding will become an embarrassment. Her engagement ring will probably be so huge and perfect and she will choose the setting she wants for it. I never got to choose mine, he gave me a small ring even though he knew I wanted something nice.

As I said, I am a terrible person. If anyone ahs any advice or words of wisdom to me, they would be very much appreciated. As you can see, I can never share this ugliness with people who know me. They would immediately lose all respect of me, as I have myself. But I can’t help how I feel

[Anonymous]

His name TRUMP?

[Anonymous]

Get over it, OP. Appreciate the many gifts in your life, and stop worrying about what others have.

[Anonymous]

You're only a terrible person if you sabotage your sister's relationship.

Focus on improving your life. Your career, your relationship, etc.

[Anonymous]

I don't think you are an awful person. I think you are very human. Hugs, OP.

[Anonymous]

You can't help feeling jealous, that is OK.
Your wedding will NOT become a joke. It doesn't work that way. Your wedding will always be wonderful and special.

But do NOT let this jealously get the better of you. Be happy for her. You actually don't know what things are really like for the two of them, and things aren't always what they look like on the surface.

Enjoy who YOU are, who YOU are with (your GREAT DH) and the good things YOU have.

[Anonymous]

This is the best place to let out all the things we can't say to anyone. Let it all out, OP.

You're not a terrible person. You are a good person.

The secret to happiness is that you have to allow yourself to be happy. Lose the guilt, embrace the moment. Find happiness in the little things. We've had two deaths in the family recently, and DH has lost his job countless times, so I'm just grateful to be alive and have a roof over my head!

Go for a walk, listen to the birds.
Make your favorite meal.

DH isn't romantic either and I don't need him to be - most years, both of us forget our anniversary! We find happiness in our daily life.

[Anonymous]

Stop comparing. Have you ever heard the expression "comparison is the thief of joy"? Get it tattooed on your body somewhere.

What someone else has has NO bearing on your own life. You will corrode your marriage and lose everything you have if you continue thinking like this.

Say it again with me: Comparison is the thief of joy.

[Anonymous]

Wow you guys are being harsh. Op is being honest and I think they are normal feelings. She's human. Only advice I can give you op is sometimes a simpler lifestyle makes a happier life. I can tell you that my sister's husband found a very lucrative business and is doing very well for them and they are much wealthier than we are but truth is is that she is stressed out and unhappy a lot with how much he travels and misses out on their kids growing up. They also have stress with the business mounting on top of everything else. An outsider would see a perfect wealthy family but that isn't the case.

[Anonymous]

OP, you're not a terrible person but you need to see a therapist to work through your feelings of inadequacy. I know, that's another thing that will cost money but punishing yourself for these feelings is not solving your problem. You need to look at why you feel so inadequate and ways you can address your own problems constructively. You need to work with someone not related to you who can give you constructive feedback.

And btw, everyone struggles in their marriage. Your sister's relationship may seem fabulous now but she'll hit bumps in the road as well.

[Anonymous]

OP, you've posted about this before. You need therapy.

[Anonymous]

Did you post before on this?

[Anonymous]

Do you work too, OP?

[Anonymous]

My mom's sister was always jealous of my mother. My aunt, a stay at home mom by choice, was always jealous of the salary my mother earned and complained about mom's profession constantly. She was jealous my dad, a business owner with no college, earned more than her husband, who had a grad degree. Because of her jealousy, she complained about my parents' marriage and our family. When my sister married well years before her own daughter found someone, my aunt constantly complained about my bil, saying he probably had women at every port during his business trips.

My mother chose to ignore all the negativity for decades, out of love for her only sibling. My cousins and I were raised closely although they were jealous of our family finances. My aunt has since died but it has deeply and negatively affected our lifelong relationship which often seems more for show than anything else as I now see my cousins being competitive about our children.

I would really urge you to get this in check and remind yourself five times a day of all the blessings in your life before it poisons your relationship with your sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you're not a terrible person but you need to see a therapist to work through your feelings of inadequacy. I know, that's another thing that will cost money but punishing yourself for these feelings is not solving your problem. You need to look at why you feel so inadequate and ways you can address your own problems constructively. You need to work with someone not related to you who can give you constructive feedback.

And btw, everyone struggles in their marriage. Your sister's relationship may seem fabulous now but she'll hit bumps in the road as well.

Pp here again. BTW, my sister married a man from a wealthy family while he was in residency to become a doctor. You would have thought she was set for life. But he turned out to be one of those people who could never settle into any career for long and was able to float by on his family's money and, more importantly, was a raging alcoholic. She finally divorced him 18 years later.