Maryland custody arrangements -- what's likely?

[Anonymous]

Friend separated from husband almost exactly one year ago. Filed for divorce 6 mos. ago. They have sought an interim custody/support order.... hasn't happened yet, but is scheduled in a few months.

Before the separation, and in some ways the impetus for it, H (husband) treated the two kids badly in anger/frustration. H hit one kid with a metal instrument and kicked the other on an earlier date. The kids are in elem school. Before the separation, H had very little interest in spending time with the kids -- rarely if every went to their games/practices, would require them all to stay up and wait for him to get home every night to have dinner at 8:00 or 9:00, etc. Now that W (wife) and kids are gone, H has taken some version of anger management classes and become an assistant coach for teams, and wants to spend lots and lots of time with the kids. H has made efforts to be a better dad since the separation.

Over the past year, H has had custody/visitation of every other weekend (fri-sun overnights) and every Wed evening (not overnight). H has continued to insist that he needs more time with the kids and argues that W is abusive to the kids by not re-assembling the family (i.e. moving back). H talks about the family being "broken" to the kids and tells W that she is sinning by not coming back. H will not agree to letting the kids go to counselling unless it is with a "christian" counselling group (one that rejects divorce as an option). So the kids haven't been to counselling.

H is not happy with only seeing the kids every other weekend and on Wed evenings. He has created a new custody schedule whereby he has the kids for a couple of days, then they switch back to W for a night or two, then back to him, etc. etc. It requires one to map out his plan on a calendar to figure out which days the kids would be where. Multiple switches during any week.... but supposedly it would involve 50% of time at each parent's home. He is implementing it whenever he has the kids (i.e. keeping them overnight on Wed. even though W has not agreed to this and the kids do not have the things they need for the next day). Since there is no court-ordered custody, each parent currently has equal rights to the kids.

My question to DCUM is what kind of custody arrangement do you think a judge in Md. would set up? Do they ever make the kids switch back and forth (even week by week) to ensure that each parent gets 50% of the kids' time? Or do the judges place weight on minimizing the switching for the kids -- even if that means one parent gets less than 50% of the kids' out-of-school time?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Friend separated from husband almost exactly one year ago. Filed for divorce 6 mos. ago. They have sought an interim custody/support order.... hasn't happened yet, but is scheduled in a few months.

Before the separation, and in some ways the impetus for it, H (husband) treated the two kids badly in anger/frustration. H hit one kid with a metal instrument and kicked the other on an earlier date. The kids are in elem school. Before the separation, H had very little interest in spending time with the kids -- rarely if every went to their games/practices, would require them all to stay up and wait for him to get home every night to have dinner at 8:00 or 9:00, etc. Now that W (wife) and kids are gone, H has taken some version of anger management classes and become an assistant coach for teams, and wants to spend lots and lots of time with the kids. H has made efforts to be a better dad since the separation.

Over the past year, H has had custody/visitation of every other weekend (fri-sun overnights) and every Wed evening (not overnight). H has continued to insist that he needs more time with the kids and argues that W is abusive to the kids by not re-assembling the family (i.e. moving back). H talks about the family being "broken" to the kids and tells W that she is sinning by not coming back. H will not agree to letting the kids go to counselling unless it is with a "christian" counselling group (one that rejects divorce as an option). So the kids haven't been to counselling.

H is not happy with only seeing the kids every other weekend and on Wed evenings. He has created a new custody schedule whereby he has the kids for a couple of days, then they switch back to W for a night or two, then back to him, etc. etc. It requires one to map out his plan on a calendar to figure out which days the kids would be where. Multiple switches during any week.... but supposedly it would involve 50% of time at each parent's home. He is implementing it whenever he has the kids (i.e. keeping them overnight on Wed. even though W has not agreed to this and the kids do not have the things they need for the next day). Since there is no court-ordered custody, each parent currently has equal rights to the kids.

My question to DCUM is what kind of custody arrangement do you think a judge in Md. would set up? Do they ever make the kids switch back and forth (even week by week) to ensure that each parent gets 50% of the kids' time? Or do the judges place weight on minimizing the switching for the kids -- even if that means one parent gets less than 50% of the kids' out-of-school time?

I'm assuming your friend has a divorce attorney? If not, she needs one. Custody can be a sticky situation.

The standard in most states, including Maryland, is that of the "best interest of the child(ren)." It is not in the best interest of the children to spend so much of their time and energy shuttling between two homes and the Court is not likely to enforce such an arrangement. Having said that, your friend still needs a reputable divorce lawyer.

[Anonymous]

Was this abuse formally docymented?

[Anonymous]

yes --- has a lawyer.

The hitting with the instrument/tool was documented. The kicking (which was earlier) was not, but it was observed by others in W's relatives.

[Anonymous]

I meant -- the latter was observed by W's relatives. The former (with the instrument/tool) was not observed by anyone other than the kid (and W saw the reaction of the kid -- but didn't see the action.) W swore out a warrant (which is how she left or had H leave), but technically, there isn't any proof other than the kid and W's testimony.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:yes --- has a lawyer.

The hitting with the instrument/tool was documented. The kicking (which was earlier) was not, but it was observed by others in W's relatives.

I hope your friend reported the abuse to CPS when it happened. If not, it makes her look just as bad. (Just my opinion)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:yes --- has a lawyer.

The hitting with the instrument/tool was documented. The kicking (which was earlier) was not, but it was observed by others in W's relatives.

I hope your friend reported the abuse to CPS when it happened. If not, it makes her look just as bad. (Just my opinion)

no, she didn't. I can see your point, but she wasn't ready to leave, didn't think she could, didn't have a plan, was just trying to get by, etc, etc. A person who is married to someone who is more of a bully doesn't just run to CPS when the bully does something. You get used to fixing up the blow-ups.

[Anonymous]

The kids need counseling. If there is no formal custody agreement, the mom can and should take them.

in my experience, the court tries to minimize switching at night during a school week to minimize disruption for the kid.

But if mom had the kids in counseling, the therapist could make a recommendation on what's best for the kids too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:yes --- has a lawyer.

The hitting with the instrument/tool was documented. The kicking (which was earlier) was not, but it was observed by others in W's relatives.

I hope your friend reported the abuse to CPS when it happened. If not, it makes her look just as bad. (Just my opinion)

no, she didn't. I can see your point, but she wasn't ready to leave, didn't think she could, didn't have a plan, was just trying to get by, etc, etc. A person who is married to someone who is more of a bully doesn't just run to CPS when the bully does something. You get used to fixing up the blow-ups.

I understand what you are saying, I really do. I'm just saying that essentially, they both failed to protect their children from abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:yes --- has a lawyer.

The hitting with the instrument/tool was documented. The kicking (which was earlier) was not, but it was observed by others in W's relatives.

I suspect that H's response to this will be that he has taken anger management classes to address the abuse issues.

At this time, your friend needs to speak with a lawyer, but your friend should consider what kind of a schedule she would be amenable to. She is not going to get everything she wants based on what you described. Her H is at least appearing to be addressing his anger issues and becoming more involved in his children's lives. This is something that most courts encourage. In the meantime, your friend should start making sure that the kids have the things that they need so that they are less stressed out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The kids need counseling. If there is no formal custody agreement, the mom can and should take them.

in my experience, the court tries to minimize switching at night during a school week to minimize disruption for the kid.

But if mom had the kids in counseling, the therapist could make a recommendation on what's best for the kids too.

No counselors will see them unless BOTH parents sign the consent form. She has tried several different ones that were recommended by the lawyer. I agree that counselling would be essential. But H doesn't want them in counselling b/c they might say something less than flattering about him. To be totally fair, I do think H will present himself (he has a lawyer too) very well. H is highly educated and comes across as very rational and calm. H has recently taken up volunteering with a teen tech group, and started being the asst coach with the sports teams that the kids are on. Suddenly, H has lots of time for the kids when previously, they were 100% W's responsibility with H having veto/approval power over all decisions (those involving the kids and anything in the house or any $ spent -- to the penny). But, as I said, H will present very well at the future hearing.... although he won't be able to change the past -- but maybe a judge won't care much about the past? I don't know. That's why I'm asking you all!

[Anonymous]

Given his big change and the efforts he made to become a better dad even before court intervention, my guess is that the custody will be 50-50. That is the default in MD absent good reason to do something else. The parents will have to work out what arrangements are best for the kids or a judge will just decide. Some options are every other week, half week with one parent and the other half with the other, something similar to what they have with more days to the father. Usually, you look at two week increments because it's an even number of days - so each parent has the kids 7 out of the 14 days.

I know MoCo courts have an excellent mediation program where parents can work out a lot of things. It's mandatory anyway and it's free. It identifies issues that need to be sorted out.

If the kids need counseling and the mom is holding things up because she doesn't like a qualified counselor, she's just as bad as the dad for insisting on a particular counselor. No one is going to see her is a good light over that.

One last thing. Child custody battles are extremely costly. I hope she is getting good advice on what she can expect because when you're divorcing and reducing your household income, no point in throwing good money after bad.

[Anonymous]

Forgot to say that H has told the kids they don't need to talk to a counselor b/c "this is a family matter."

What are the most likely custody arrangements when there are parents who BOTH want the kids?

(BTW -- knowing H, he wants the kids (1) so that he can minimize any child support obligations, and (2) b/c he wants to frame W as the one who is out of step with the family.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The kids need counseling. If there is no formal custody agreement, the mom can and should take them.

in my experience, the court tries to minimize switching at night during a school week to minimize disruption for the kid.

But if mom had the kids in counseling, the therapist could make a recommendation on what's best for the kids too.

No counselors will see them unless BOTH parents sign the consent form. She has tried several different ones that were recommended by the lawyer. I agree that counselling would be essential. But H doesn't want them in counselling b/c they might say something less than flattering about him. To be totally fair, I do think H will present himself (he has a lawyer too) very well. H is highly educated and comes across as very rational and calm. H has recently taken up volunteering with a teen tech group, and started being the asst coach with the sports teams that the kids are on. Suddenly, H has lots of time for the kids when previously, they were 100% W's responsibility with H having veto/approval power over all decisions (those involving the kids and anything in the house or any $ spent -- to the penny). But, as I said, H will present very well at the future hearing.... although he won't be able to change the past -- but maybe a judge won't care much about the past? I don't know. That's why I'm asking you all!

Well, odds are they won't get equal custody but it might be something like 60-40 or 70-30. And expect DH at every activity now.
This is typical divorcing dad behavior really. It could be that H is now interested in being a dad or it could be that his lawyer had advised him to act this way to get enough custody so as to not have to pay more. Time will tell. Divorces are nasty. That's how the game is played.
This kind of thing is typical.
Does DW have documentation as to who took the kids to their doctors visits and who went to back to school nights all these years?
Tell W just to try to roll with it, be happy H is less of an asshole now (hope it sticks!) and not listen to the head games.

As for the counseling the court could order it if the kids are having issues. I had a friend who agreed to H to send her kids to counseling - but she didn't know that the counselor was paid by the H and they totally screwed her and she lost her kids (she was a fine mother). So I can see why the other attorney would say no way. It can just be part of the power struggle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Given his big change and the efforts he made to become a better dad even before court intervention, my guess is that the custody will be 50-50. That is the default in MD absent good reason to do something else. The parents will have to work out what arrangements are best for the kids or a judge will just decide. Some options are every other week, half week with one parent and the other half with the other, something similar to what they have with more days to the father. Usually, you look at two week increments because it's an even number of days - so each parent has the kids 7 out of the 14 days.

I know MoCo courts have an excellent mediation program where parents can work out a lot of things. It's mandatory anyway and it's free. It identifies issues that need to be sorted out.

If the kids need counseling and the mom is holding things up because she doesn't like a qualified counselor, she's just as bad as the dad for insisting on a particular counselor. No one is going to see her is a good light over that.

One last thing. Child custody battles are extremely costly. I hope she is getting good advice on what she can expect because when you're divorcing and reducing your household income, no point in throwing good money after bad.

The mediation program sucks and usually just means that the woman allegedly saves on court costs but gets screwed on the settlement. Free screwing over - whoopeeee!