Having kids immediately vs. waiting - your experience

[Anonymous]

I ran across 3 couples recently who all waited between 8-11 years after marriage to have kids. Besides the glaringly obvious reasons (financially better off, done with schooling, in secure jobs), I wanted to hear from others who had done this too. Do you think it helped make your parenting relationship stronger? What is purposeful? Each of these 3 couples went on to have 3 kids within a span of about 4 years.

On the contrary, I married young and had kids immediately. It was just what I wanted. Other than a grass is greener situation, I don't see a huge amount of drawbacks (other than wishing I had developed a career giving myself more independence). I also wonder if the men in the midst of the stereotypical mid-life crisis were those who married young and had kids instantly? Just curious for feedback from both camps...

[Anonymous]

We were married 7 years before we had a child (putting me at 38) and I'm really glad we waited. It was the right decision for us. For us, it meant we had worked through all of the early marriage growing pains and were on really solid ground. We knew we were absolutely on the same page with regard to overall parenting ideals (that get smashed by reality) and that we had already made it through some tough times.

[Anonymous]

I don't think there's a right answer. My sister married at 20 and had her first at 21. Now her kids are basically gone and she and DH are "free" in their late 40's. DH and I had our first at 35, and now in our early 50's still have HS and college kids with a few years of support left. But...we had years of freedom when young, established better careers, and are financially better off.

Which one was right? Well, both approaches were correct for those choosing them.

[Anonymous]

We also waited and it's worked out for us, but certainly I can see the advantages of the other side (esp. when I had an infant and I was thinking how in my 20s I could stay out late and go to work the next day no problem).

We had a lot of great experiences together before we had kids, and I think being older (and more secure financially) helped me (personally) be a better parent.

By the time our kids finish college we'll be a few years away from being able to retire. I can't say whether that's better or not, but it seems like it'll work out.

[Anonymous]

I shouldn't really comment, as we're just TTC now. I just turned 40 and we've been together 12 years. If I look back at what how our lives and relationship has evolved, I really am glad we've waited (even if we turn out be unsuccessful). Financial benefit of being more established, etc. aside, I think for us, it will be easier to parent now that we're older.

I also have friends of both sides of that fenc, and I think it really just depends on who you are. Everyone makes it work. My brother ended up as a young father at 21 (unplanned) and it's been really awesome for him- it settled him down and he is really an excellent dad. There's been bumps along the way, but it's truly what was good for him.

[Anonymous]

Got married in our late twenties, waited 5 years, then experienced fertility problems and it was a nightmare that lasted a whole decade.

Were finally successful in creating a family and I wouldn't trade my kids now for anything. But it's hard not to regret not having started sooner, especially as I didn't get the family size I wanted. Not to mention the money and effort we had to spend. And I try not to think about not being able to be an active grandparent some day because by the time our kids become parents (if they do), we'll probably both be in a nursing home....

[Anonymous]

Married at 25, kids at 27 & 29. Kids are now in the tween/teen years. For the most part, I have no regrets. Sometimes it stands out that I am younger than my kids friends parents, and I occasionally wish we had travelled more while we still had the disposable income and freedom.

I had very difficult pregnancies and was not able to carry either DC to term, so I am thankful I went younger. My sister is 38 and waited to start trying and now has significant fertility problems. Since these run in my family, I am not at all sure I could have had kids if I had waited. Plus, we will be an empty nesters in mid to late 40s, and and done paying for college around 50-51. So we will still be young enough to travel and enjoy the income that will be freed up. And hopefully be young and healthy enough to be involved grandparents some day.

It's a trade off, but in our case it worked.

[Anonymous]

For us, I think it was valuable to establish a marital relationship that didn't involve the kids before adding kids to the mix. As a result, while our marriage is heavily influenced by the kids, it's not completely defined by the kids.

[Anonymous]

Married at 30, surprise pregnancy and a miscarriage at 31, that made me serious about trying for a baby in case we run into issues, to have more time on our side for intervention. Had baby at 33 and then at almost 37.

Wish had the kids earlier, ideally at 28 and 30 or 30 and 33. Physically I was definitely stronger at 28 than at 38 and able to stay nights etc.

Do what works for you, but be aware that the older you get the smaller window you leave for addressing any problems that may come up.

Also, until we had kids, marriage was an extension of dating somehow. Being together for a long time pre-marriage and then 3 years post marriage, we still had to have a big adjustment when baby 1 arrived and it strained our marriage.

There was never a 'good' time to have the baby. I got pregnant right after moving jobs and countries, so ideally I would have waited more, but the miscarriage made me hurry with it.

Just sharing my thoughts based on my specific experience, but these things are different for everyone.

[Anonymous]

Got married at 26. Had babies at almost 29 and 30.

DH is 2.5 years older than me.

I am really glad we had our kids soon after getting married. That said, we were financially stable (I was able to quit my job to stay home and we were still quite comfortable), we owned a home and we had/have involved grandparents as well.

My Mom died almost 5 years ago when the kids were 5 and 6 and I'm really glad they got to know her well. She was amazing. If we had waited, they might not have met/known her.

I don't feel like I missed out on anything. Right after our 2nd child was born I started a business that has grown to be quite successful. I also still have time to volunteer. My husband and I travel together frequently and life is, overall, very good. Plus, I'll be 47 when they're both in college which is (un my opinion) super young for around these parts.

If I found out I was pregnant tomorrow (at 40) I would probably cry. I don't think I could do another baby at this age/stage in my life.

[Anonymous]

Married at 26
First kid at 27
Second 30
Divorced 40
Unhappily married 27
To sum it up wait till you have kids don't rush it. Enjoy life as a couple not as parents. And if you are a girl don't make decision for your DH to have kids, discuss it and ask not till your effing 3-4 months in.

[Anonymous]

Together 4 years, baby one year later (at 33 and 37). We didn't want to wait longer for fear for fertility issues. I'm glad we had the time together to enjoy each other and build a solid foundation pre-infant times!

[Anonymous]

Married at 31, started TTC a little more than a year later because of our ages. Ideally, I think it would be good to married for 3-4 years first but having kids was a priority and we had too many friends who had fertility problems to feel comfortable waiting. Turns out I'm super-fertile and got pg the first month we tried and then had a surprise #2 soon after so ended up being done w/ having kids before I was 35!.

[Anonymous]

Married at 23 and had all my kids before 30. First pregnancy was not really planned but I am so happy it happened that way. I am 40 now and my kids are older now (high and middle school). We are both busy with our carrers and I am glad that I am not changing disperses now like a lot of woman of my age. It makes all vacations so much easier. We are at the ski resort now, while my husband and I enjoing intermediate level slopes, all kids are on the black diamonds and we don't have to watch them, we just meet them in the end of the day. Going out any time of the week is easy as we don't have to arrange for babysitter and we have very active social life. Having kids early makes your 40s real fun. And no matter what other people says, I don't believe that you have as much energy in your late 30s as you have in early 20s. I am very healthy (I never get sick in winter, don't have allergies or any other chronic disease, I run either one marathon or half marathon each year), but no way I can stay up all night now with young kid and then go to work full day. It has to be so hard on your body at this age.

[Anonymous]

Married at 20, had our first kid at 30. I think waiting was perfect for us. We were able to establish ourselves in our careers, get through marriage growth pains, and were fully ready when we had our first child.