Having kids immediately vs. waiting - your experience

[Anonymous]

DH here. Married at 23, first was born at 30 last at 33. I'm the one who held out longer and if I could do it again I would have had the first at around 26 and the last at 29. Generally, you have more energy when you're younger. I also like the idea of having active years left on the back end to enjoy each other again without the kids.

I'll echo the PP in that I feel young at school meetings and kid's birthday parties. Really notice it at things like camp outs.

[Anonymous]

We married young and first kid was born about 7.5 years later. I can't tell you how much better off we are financially. Having money takes away so much stress.

[Anonymous]

We married at 36 after almost 5 years of dating (way to take your time, DH!), so we had kids right away because of our age. We were lucky and had them both right away, 2 years apart, and are all fine! The fact that we were older, had dated and lived together for a long time, etc. meant we knew what we wanted, had enjoyed our 20s and 30s as singles and could move on. I think there are successes and failures with every kind of variable, though - married early, married late, had kids right away vs. waiting. We know couples of all stripes, and timing seems less important than compatibility and personality type of the family members.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We married at 36 after almost 5 years of dating (way to take your time, DH!), so we had kids right away because of our age. We were lucky and had them both right away, 2 years apart, and are all fine! The fact that we were older, had dated and lived together for a long time, etc. meant we knew what we wanted, had enjoyed our 20s and 30s as singles and could move on. I think there are successes and failures with every kind of variable, though - married early, married late, had kids right away vs. waiting. We know couples of all stripes, and timing seems less important than compatibility and personality type of the family members.

In case you haven't figured it out this is why he waited a long time to propose.

[Anonymous]

We waited 5 years because we just loved being married. We loved each other's company. Married at 25 and first baby is coming at 30.

[Anonymous]

We were together almost 6 years before getting married. We basically got married because we wanted kids. So the first baby was about a year from the wedding, on purpose. We had our fun 20s together, but just not married. First kid at 29. It was a great balance for us. Babies were conceived easily and now I feel relatively young for parents around here.

[Anonymous]

DH is about ten years older, so he was late 30s and I was late 20s when we had our kids (we waited about two years after marriage). The benefit for me of being younger was lack of fertility problems (though for any given person this might not be a problem later on), energy level, and adaptability. There was an adjustment to parenthood, but I don't think it was nearly what some my friends in their late 30s/early 40s have experienced. I just hadn't had as long to establish the life I wanted, so the sacrifices didn't hit me as hard.

It's probably worse from a career standpoint to have the kids younger. From a grandparent standpoint, the age difference between DH's parents and my parents does make a difference and it's not so surprising that grandparents in their 60s are more involved than those in their 70s/80s.

[Anonymous]

Married at 33, got pregnant two months later, will give birth at 34. Would have loved more time to be a couple, but felt antsy about fertility. I internalized all the gloom and doom messages about conceiving over 35, and frankly we would not be able to afford IVF.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I ran across 3 couples recently who all waited between 8-11 years after marriage to have kids. Besides the glaringly obvious reasons (financially better off, done with schooling, in secure jobs), I wanted to hear from others who had done this too. Do you think it helped make your parenting relationship stronger? What is purposeful? Each of these 3 couples went on to have 3 kids within a span of about 4 years.

On the contrary, I married young and had kids immediately. It was just what I wanted. Other than a grass is greener situation, I don't see a huge amount of drawbacks (other than wishing I had developed a career giving myself more independence). I also wonder if the men in the midst of the stereotypical mid-life crisis were those who married young and had kids instantly? Just curious for feedback from both camps...

I see this as a pretty big deal, but maybe you meant issues related only to the relationship. If you're talking only about the impact on the relationship, you have to know that it would be impossible to make any generalizations about this, since every couple is so different. This also depends on how old people were when they got married. For people marrying in their mid-30s, it's not even a question whether they wait or not, if they want to have kids.

[Anonymous]

Married at 26, first child at 40. Worked well for us. We really enjoyed our time together as a couple...concerts, parties, dinners out all the time, traveling all over, could put in a lot of hours of work without being distracted, slept in late on the weekends. Bought a house, added a second place, had two cars and a camper, etc.

We were very well established by the time our son came along. And much more laid-back then the frazzled 30-somethings having kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I shouldn't really comment, as we're just TTC now. I just turned 40 and we've been together 12 years. If I look back at what how our lives and relationship has evolved, I really am glad we've waited (even if we turn out be unsuccessful). Financial benefit of being more established, etc. aside, I think for us, it will be easier to parent now that we're older.

I also have friends of both sides of that fenc, and I think it really just depends on who you are. Everyone makes it work. My brother ended up as a young father at 21 (unplanned) and it's been really awesome for him- it settled him down and he is really an excellent dad. There's been bumps along the way, but it's truly what was good for him.

Why would you wait until 40 to TTC? especially if you have been together 12 years? this doesn't sound smart at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Married at 26, first child at 40. Worked well for us. We really enjoyed our time together as a couple...concerts, parties, dinners out all the time, traveling all over, could put in a lot of hours of work without being distracted, slept in late on the weekends. Bought a house, added a second place, had two cars and a camper, etc.

We were very well established by the time our son came along. And much more laid-back then the frazzled 30-somethings having kids.

Ugh..there's always one. Why can't you be comfortable with your discussion without bashing others?

[Anonymous]

Fertility trumps all.

All the couples I know who waited to have kids had a difficult road to conceiving, and one adopted after a traumatic loss.

People simply do not realize that once you lose your fertility, you can't get it back. Women are most fertile in their twenties.

Medical procedures are painful, invasive and expensive, and adoption can be laborious and heartbreaking (and expensive as well).

[Anonymous]

Married at 22. Kid at 36. I just wasn't ready before then and strongly feel that a child should be wanted. Waiting so long was absolutely the right decision for us.

And, frankly, I watched my siblings and my husband's siblings get married, have kids within two years (all unplanned) and then those marriages imploded. Some rather spectacularly. I did not want that to happen to me.