Do I move out w/ the baby or stay here in hell? Which is worse for an inevitable divorce?

[Anonymous]

One child under 2. I own a home free and clear not marital property not his. We own home together in MD w mortgage. Nice property and all my baby knows as home. Do I move out with my child to the property I own for sanity's sake? Or do I sit here in misery and keep trudging along hoping he will do counseling etc.

Does moving out out with our child put me in a bad financial disadvantage for divorce potentially? Could this bite me later? It is ultimately for my mental and emotional well being I just can't take his passive aggressive provocation and the constant strife here anymore. I'm just sick of it. I have done the math and can afford to do it immediately and go at least a year with savings.

[Anonymous]

Because there is a child involved, you can't just take off. He has rights there.

[Anonymous]

Have you told him you two have to do counseling? As in, have you gotten the name of a counselor, made an appointment, told him you want him there?

[Anonymous]

As long as you take the kid you won't be accused of abandonment. Don't cross state lines though, could be kidnapping.

How about starting off by telling him you're sick of the fighting and you're going to a hotel for the weekend.

[Anonymous]

Where is the other property, close or far?

Does he care if you take the child, most men don't.

[Anonymous]

Absent actual abuse, if you are seriously considering taking your child and moving out without first seriously working to get a counselor and getting both of you into counseling, then I would wager you are contributing to the strife in your own ways. There are really a lot of options between trudging along in misery and totally blowing up your marriage and I think you ought to explore them. Or at least ask yourself why you are not exploring them.

[Anonymous]

Trying to not give too many details here.

He doesn't care if I take the child. And I wouldn't deny him access.

Property is close but not in same state of marriage.

We have done counseling to no avail a number of times.

Maybe I am adding to my stress. I'm open to other options that I may not be considering. I tried a weekend away before, it was disruptive for me and her, it didn't really help my stress, and he conveniently stayed home eating Bon bons and making a mess for me to clean.

But like I said. Divorce is inevitable. I just want to know my options between now and then. Before I have to pay money to ask an attorney. I don't even know who to call.

Again - my concern is my and the child's emotional and mental well being in this environment long term. Abuse (verbal, emotional, and, once physical) has occurred before.

[Anonymous]

Talk to an attorney. People get weird during a divorce...and things they said they were fine with get brought up against you. Close but crossing state lines could be a problem...or at least used against you. If you can document the past abuse, would you be able to get a restraining order (or something to prove you left to protect your child)?

[Anonymous]

I didn't document the one physical time with photos but did record date on my calendar. I've recorded arguments before years ago but have no idea how to document emotional or verbal abuse. Unless my journals or calendar notes count.

[Anonymous]

If you and the kids are in danger then leave ASAP. Otherwise go through the proper legal channels.

Anonymous wrote:One child under 2. I own a home free and clear not marital property not his. We own home together in MD w mortgage. Nice property and all my baby knows as home. Do I move out with my child to the property I own for sanity's sake? Or do I sit here in misery and keep trudging along hoping he will do counseling etc.

Does moving out out with our child put me in a bad financial disadvantage for divorce potentially? Could this bite me later? It is ultimately for my mental and emotional well being I just can't take his passive aggressive provocation and the constant strife here anymore. I'm just sick of it. I have done the math and can afford to do it immediately and go at least a year with savings.

[Anonymous]

If you have money to run away for a year, you have money to pay an attorney to draw up a separation agreement.

If you're sure you're divorcing, don't drag it out. Make an appointment with an attorney on Tuesday. Spend your weekend inventorying assets and debts, because your attorney will ask you to do that anyway.

[Anonymous]

When do you plan on filing? Is this the plan, divorcing now? You say it's inevitable, but I think the timing is important in terms of what you do now.

My DCUM law degree tells me that moving out during a divorce is a bad thing. It puts the property in jeopardy somehow. You'll need to ask a real lawyer to learn the actual risks.

As for taking a breather with baby? Whatever works for you! Once divorce comes into play, you need to have a long view and a solid game plan. If this is one of the big bumps in a marriage, then do what you have to do to stay sane and able to deal with the problems in the relationship. If moving out for a short while gives you that necessary space, and H has no issue with DC going with you, then take that time to consider your options.

When I got divorced, I paid only $150 for the initial talk-through, which lasted a good little while. It was definitely worth the money. I learned so much about my options, but also, I learned a lot about where I stood in my own mind. It was well worth the money. Don't wait, if the fee is what's holding you back.

[Anonymous]

See any attorney before you do anything. Not doing it can cost you so very much.

Understand that you and your husband will still be parenting together. Adding animosity is not going to help you. Talk to an attorney and then consider calmly talking about getting a divorce with him.

Abuse that is difficult to document and happened years ago is pretty useless in court. Everyone says that in a divorce.

The best thing you can possibly do for yourself or your child is to let go of any anger and try to handle this amicably, or, at least without any emotion. Just the facts. Accusations and drama are only going to make it harder.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the sound advice everyone. This is all giving me a lot to think about. I'm researching firms and calling someone Mon/Tue to get advice specific to the details of my situation.

But it sounds like we are staying here, I won't move out and risk anything, and it's true that the sanity and co-parenting needs to be respected. I think I'm going to request that he officially move to another level of the house and we live as roommates. We have the room for it and it would make things easier for me without being too disruptive for any of us, especially the baby.

Thanks again everyone. I was nervous to post and in tears all last night, but this was helpful.

[Anonymous]

OP again. I heard the advice about protecting ourselves too. It is hard to document things. I'm also going to ask about ways to document abuse moving forward and I will research the restraining order requirements when I to the police station. I just don't want to light a match where there is gas leaking. And make things worse in the long run. So I have to tread carefully there.