Grandparents of SN grandchildren

[Anonymous]

When my son was in the hospital for about 4 months, my mom came to help with my other 2 kids. She stayed about half the time, and I blamed her for leaving while we were still in terrible distress. It's been two years, and I'm not angry at her anymore. I still have stress with his medical problems. Problem is, I am still angry at my dad for telling her not to help us. I went to a therapist, but felt like I was paying for sympathy, so didn't want to return. Any advice?

[Anonymous]

I got zero help, you sound so ungrateful

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm truly sorry for what I'm sure has been a stressful time, but I think her taking care of two kids for two months is pretty admirable and probably more than most would do. Depending on her age, that's very tiring.

[Anonymous]

How long did she come for to help out with the other kids? I get you were under stress, but looking after your kids is your job so if others came and did it, you should be grateful, not pissed they didn't completely give up their entire lives for months on end.

[Anonymous]

op: Mom had just retired, does lots of exercise, kids were 6 and 10, nanny works 7-6 (when I am normally at work), so Mom just had to do the 6 pm to bedtime shift on the nights my husband helped me in the hospital (our son was 3, he was raging, pulling out lines etc). But I genuinely appreciate her help and I've told her so many times and she understands. My problem is how to get past the anger at my dad.

[Anonymous]

Well what you need to do is try to understand what he was thinking. Imagine that your MIL needed help and your husband left for two-four months. You might be tempted to tell him eventually to come home because while you may intellectually understand what he is doing you just can't get past the physical need for him to be with you.

[Anonymous]

OP, your dad may understandably been thinking that it was too much responsibility and work for your mom?

[Anonymous]

Wow I got no help from my mom. I hire my help. They are paid.

[Anonymous]

From the beginning, my dad told her not to help us. He eventually came to see her, ignored my kids as usual, was furious when she wouldn't come home, and he refused to come to the hospital to see us.

[Anonymous]

I paid my nanny the whole time my mom was there. Have only used my mom as a free babysitter for about 3-4 hours since my 12 year old was born, other than during that crisis.

[Anonymous]

You don't get to control other people. You can control what you do, what you think, and how you respond. You can talk this out with your father when you are calm and willing to both listen and speak your mind in a polite manner. While your need was great; he was not without needs and wants. Your children are ultimately your responsibility. You have a husband and a nanny. Perhaps your father was under the impression that the situation allowed you enough flexibility to meet the needs of all your children. I do know how you feel. When my mother was in the hospital dying our child stayed with the grandparents for a week until they called screaming in anger about wtf was taking her so long to die. They of course told us to leave her to die alone and pick up our kid. I get that you feel they have made a judgement on you that their support is wasted on you. It may be that this is the truth that you will have to work through. FWIW my husband nor I have anything to do with his parents anymore. It was a good choice for us. But we recognize that we only get to control ourselves; not others.

[Anonymous]

Hugs to you. It sounds like you are trying to get past the anger with your father. I have been in a similar position however it was my brother and my brother talked my mom out of coming to help us (i was going to pay my mom as I would anyone else- would have just loved having someone around that I 100% trusted).

Remind yourself that others do not know the real situation and the only person that suffers when you hold onto the anger, is you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:From the beginning, my dad told her not to help us. He eventually came to see her, ignored my kids as usual, was furious when she wouldn't come home, and he refused to come to the hospital to see us.

I'm sorry that things played out like that. Stress and trauma and severe illness can frighten old people pretty badly.

I know it's hard, but maybe after a couple of years you can look at your elderly parents as vulnerable and scared rather than as mean. They are at a point in their lives when they are losing capabilities rather than serving as a resource.

I hope you can move to a better place about this. I know it's very hard.

[Anonymous]

Start by counting your blessings. Concentrate on what you can do. 2 months is a long time. Give yourself permission to be angry an then see if that helps you get past it. Perhaps talking with a therapist may help you.

DH and I tagged teamed at home when our children have been in the hospital. There is no real need for both parents to be there when there are other children at home that also need care.

[Anonymous]

You know, I don't think snarky/angry posts from people who don't receive any help from their parents are appropriate. OP is entitled to feel hurt by her own parents' conduct. These are her parents. She's discussing her family, her family's dynamic. It doesn't matter that other families go it alone. For pete's sake.