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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Why does your husband think it's ok to consistently put his parents ahead of you? Ask him this point-blank.

What kinds of things are we talking about?[/quote]

I have asked him this over and over; as has a counselor.  He seems to understand "intellectually" what he's doing, but then can't execute on doing anything about it.

The things range from little things to bigger things.  I don't think the ILs are evil, but generally thoughtless and if DH had just spoken up in the beginning (and not in a mean or loud way), I think things would be much better.  To make matters worse, when I've asked if I can speak up for myself and the kids, he prefers that I don't.  Personally, I think it's even unfair to my ILs for DH not to tell them nicely, but directly, about expectations.

Here are some random examples:

Planned a camping weekend for the family without asking us first if we'd like to go.  She told us that she'd like us to all be together (again, nice sentiment), but that "if she was paying, she was picking."   We've never asked her to ever pay for our vacation or anything else for that matter.  Emailed the list of things we were to bring and cook.  I don't camp, so I had no intention of going.  She also planned a "girls' shopping day" in Gettysburg near the campground for my mother (who lives 2 hours from Gettysburg), SIL, herself, and me.  My mother never even knew about the shopping day and I wasn't camping, so I definitely wasn't driving to Gettysburg to shop.  She was "shocked" when DH finally had to tell her neither my mother nor I were going.

My grandmother died and the services were the weekend of my birthday.  MIL called and announced that she and FIL were coming over with BIL and SIL to celebrate my birthday.  That's a nice sentiment, but I wasn't at all up for any celebration at all.  DH couldn't tell her no, so they all came over.

ILs take kids out for Christmas presents in late October or November (we all live in the same general area, so it isn't as if we won't see them nearer to the holiday); brings the kids home and asks in front of me if it's ok that they have all the gifts then.  Sometimes, what they buy (even if I try to give parameters), are special things I've already bought or are planning to get from Santa.

Asks literally six months in advance if we're celebrating a particular holiday with them.  DH expects me to decide our holiday plans at that time because she will continue to ask him every week until he answers.

Promises kids they'll take them somewhere or do something with them and then back out at the last minute and don't give a reason.

Two of my kids have Crohn's disease and MIL gives them diet "advice" and asks in front of them if we can stop with their infusions since so much "medication is like poison."  I don't want to be disrespectful or have my kids be disrespectful, but at the same time, the "advice" is complete crap, so I'm in the position to try to explain that grandma doesn't know what she's talking about.

[/quote]

Oh op these examples are not that bad at all.  I mean, obviously, they ARE bad, but by the standards of some of the crazy ILs people write about here, not that bad.  RE your grandmother dying, YES, DH should have told your in laws not to come over, but at that point, it's been established that your DH is useless, you should have called them.  It sounds like you can just directly engage them without anger or resentment occurring.  The other stuff like planning events, not bad.  The diet advice, yes, annoying, but not that bad.  That's stuff we all have to deal with, with our parents.  Your MIL sounds caring and annoyingly oblivious-- MOST mother in laws are like this.  Most MOTHERS are like this, period.  At least be happy that she is nice and means well and is not a mean person.[/quote]

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