If you have a mentally ill family member...

[Anonymous]

1. What's your role in your family? Does that change during times of crisis?
2. What's your relationship like with your family member? With your parents and siblings?
3. How have you protected your marriage and children from the chaos?
4. Do you worry about one of your children inheriting the disorder?

I have an adult sibling with severe mental health issues which have resulted in him being hospitalized several times a year because he stops his medication once he feels "better". This has destroyed my family. My parents lives are completely focused on him and they have sacrificed everything to try to make him better. I used to have the caretaker role but it was unhealthy and causing me to fail as a wife and mother. Now I am distanced from it but it doesn't stop me from feeling sorry for everyone involved and mourn the close relationships I once had.

[Anonymous]

What you are experiencing is really normal. All of it.

I am sorry.

NAMI has supports groups.

[Anonymous]

1. What's your role in your family? Does that change during times of crisis? I'm the daughter. There aren't really times of crisis. It's a decades long issue.
2. What's your relationship like with your family member? With your parents and siblings? I hold my parents at a distance. Geographically and emotionally.
3. How have you protected your marriage and children from the chaos? I don't leave my daughter alone with them any longer than it takes for me to go to the bathroom.
4. Do you worry about one of your children inheriting the disorder? No. She's adopted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. What's your role in your family? Does that change during times of crisis? I'm the daughter. There aren't really times of crisis. It's a decades long issue.
2. What's your relationship like with your family member? With your parents and siblings? I hold my parents at a distance. Geographically and emotionally.
3. How have you protected your marriage and children from the chaos? I don't leave my daughter alone with them any longer than it takes for me to go to the bathroom.
4. Do you worry about one of your children inheriting the disorder? No. She's adopted.

Almost +1

1. Daughter of a mentally ill father, continual low-grade crisis that involves my mother. No sibs. Very superficial relationships with cousins due to geo dispersion.
2. Non-existent. I am pretty far removed geographically and completely disconnected emotionally from my father. I have a good relationship with my mother.
3. No need due to distance and total lack of interest in interaction with me or grandchild.
4. Yes, I do. I inherited my father's issues. But there are treatments (when one is willing to accept the condition and deal with it). There is an equally good chance DC will inherit DH's delightful character.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. What's your role in your family? Does that change during times of crisis?
2. What's your relationship like with your family member? With your parents and siblings?
3. How have you protected your marriage and children from the chaos?
4. Do you worry about one of your children inheriting the disorder?

I have an adult sibling with severe mental health issues which have resulted in him being hospitalized several times a year because he stops his medication once he feels "better". This has destroyed my family. My parents lives are completely focused on him and they have sacrificed everything to try to make him better. I used to have the caretaker role but it was unhealthy and causing me to fail as a wife and mother. Now I am distanced from it but it doesn't stop me from feeling sorry for everyone involved and mourn the close relationships I once had.

I'm really sorry, OP. My brother is mentally ill, too. He's only been hospitalized once, though. Everyone in the family focuses on keeping my brother's kids safe and loved. We've given up on my brother unless/until he gets the help he needs. It was killing us all.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am giving this a bump in hopes it gets more responses. I am so sorry for your family's situation. You used exactly the right word -- "mourn" -- for the reaction involved here.

I want to follow this thread to get some insight because a close friend is going through agonies trying to help his very loved, very depressed brother deal with what's builidng up to be an inevitable mental health crisis. Your post really made me think how my friend is mourning the loss of the brother and best friend he used to have, as if that person died, and wants desperately to get that person back. They're not my family members so I can't answer your questions, but OP, I'll be thinking of you.

[Anonymous]

OP here - thank you for sharing your support and stories. I will check out NAMI to see if there are groups near me. Mental illness is such a heartbreaking cancer on families and yet it is so difficult to talk about it with others. The first response is "why?" or "what can we blame?". Wishing you all the best in your own personal journeys.

[Anonymous]

1. What's your role in your family? Does that change during times of crisis?
My MIL has bipolar disorder, and has struggled with alcoholism for the last 20 years. My role is to be there for my DH whatever he needs--whether that's hugs and consolation, or not talking about it at all until he wants to share.

2. What's your relationship like with your family member? With your parents and siblings?
I actually have a great relationship with MIL. I think she likes having me around, and I love talking to her when she's available. She's funny, sarcastic, and incredibly smart. But I do also think she resented me a little after DS was born, when DH and I agreed that she couldn't babysit, and we wouldn't let him into her cigarette-smoke-filled room. That was tough for a while. It's also hard to interact with her when she's in a depressed state, and sometimes also when she's manic. I try hard, but I sometimes don't know where I stand.

FIL has made a great effort to be there for DH and DS while MIL is hospitalized or otherwise not available. I think it's made their bond stronger. I should mention that they live several hours away, so it's not like we see them frequently.

3. How have you protected your marriage and children from the chaos?
DS doesn't know that anything is up. He's 4 years old, and so all he knows is that sometimes, MIL is living at the house, and sometimes she lives somewhere else where there are doctors and other "old ladies" (her words!). We visit her in both places. It's obviously harder on DH, but again, I try to be there for whatever he needs.

4. Do you worry about one of your children inheriting the disorder?
Yes, I do. There's depression on my side of the family, too, so it's tough.

OP, I feel what you're going through, and I offer my support from afar!

[Anonymous]

1. What's your role in your family? Does that change during times of crisis?

My mother had severe depression, my brother had bipolar disorder, both of my parents were alcoholics. I was a caregiver and emotional support to my mom during childhood and teenage years. As an adult, I kept a lot of geographic distance from them in my 20's in order to focus on my own emotional health. In my 30's, I moved back home to care for one parent for home hospice, which ended up lasting quite a long time, and during this process I became very close with my brother who had bipolar disorder. We were never really friends as kids but became great friends as adults. He was a wonderful person but suffered greatly from his disease when his symptoms would get beyond his control. He died from his disease, by suicide. My parents have both since died as well.

I've been the rescuer forever, as was my brother who was sick. That kind of all came to a head with my brother's suicide, though. I realized acutely that I had to choose to save myself first. My brother was in a caretaker role with our parents and his mentally ill wife (who is emotionally abusive and horrible) and it killed him. I felt (and still feel) tremendous guilt for pulling back, but I have to save myself. I can't let myself get pulled into a vortex that I might not be able to escape from.

The hardest thing now for me is that my brother's widow is both unstable and emotionally abusive to his surviving children. I can't protect them and my access to them is limited by her very volatile moods. She hasn't let me see them in almost four months. It breaks my heart but I am trying not to let it consume me. I have my own family that I have to protect and focus on because they are (tragically) out of my ability to protect and help.

2. What's your relationship like with your family member? With your parents and siblings?

My relationship with my mother was very, very difficult. I had compassion for her suffering, but I needed to keep a lot of distance from her because she had such a negative effect on my own mental health. She was very emotionally dependent upon me and I had to get a lot of distance from her, but then I'd be overcome with guilt and invest more time in her, and then it would result in my own depression getting worse, so I'd have to distance myself again. It has been a really, really hard balance my whole life between protecting myself and loving them with my presence and attention.

My relationship with my brother who died was very good. He did not choose his illness. And while I wish that his brain had allowed him to make different choices in the end, I know that he was not in his right mind. His organ failed him. It was not a choice.

I have another brother who I am very distant from. He has chosen to keep his distance from our parents since he was out of high school and despite being very wealthy was not willing to even provide some financial help for them. I understand drawing boundaries to protect yourself, but I consider him very selfish.

3. How have you protected your marriage and children from the chaos?

Geographic distance helps, although it was a huge burden when my mother was near her end of life and I had to travel to help her during hospitalizations and such. My mother died while my son was still a toddler, but I had to draw major boundaries with her even during visits when her moods were affecting him.

4. Do you worry about one of your children inheriting the disorder?
Yes. I have depression myself so I do worry about that. But I know I'd rather be alive than not be alive with an illness, and I know that I will be much better equipped to educate and help my child if he does get sick.

[Anonymous]

1. What's your role in your family? Does that change during times of crisis?

I have PTSD from childhood sexual abuse. I also have anxiety. At one point, I was misdiagnosed with and over medicated for bipolar. I'm high functioning most of the time due to intensive therapy and good meds. In a crisis, I am actually the person who takes charge because I can compartmentalize some really scary, sad, or fucked up stuff until the crisis is over. My former FIL cut off three fingers with a power tool. While everyone else stood there in shock, I shut off the tool, shoved his hand between my thighs until I could get his belt loose to use as a torniquet, then I picked up the fingers, baggied them with ice, and called 911. I was a wreck for days afterwards, once the adrenaline wore off but his fingers were reattached (they don't work well though). Oddly, I can be absolutely paralyzed by anxiety over non-traumatic situations like making critical financial decisions. I'm from a military family and my dad always says "Lead, follow, or get out of the way." My fiance says the same thing. He will put on a timer sometimes to force me to make a decision. We also have a family mantra of "Do, don't stew." This keeps me from sitting around freaking out.

I also have a brother with a different mental illness with whom I no longer have a relationship. He resists all efforts at treatment and insists that the rest of us are crazy. Well, in my case, he's right, but I'm not the one who is homeless and well known to the police in three jurisdictions.

2. What's your relationship like with your family member? With your parents and siblings?

My parents tend to infantilize me. My dad spoils me and would like to wrap me up in cotton wool. My mother assumes I can't make any decision without her input and approval. She is actually the cause of a lot of daily stress in my life. I'm working on it with my therapist who think my mother has anxiety as well.
Two of my siblings are protective, but recognize that I have things under control most of the time and I am aware when I don't have things under control. One brother also has anxiety and he and I know that we can set each other off so we use a third party as a filter when we have to discuss triggery stuff.

3. How have you protected your marriage and children from the chaos?

This is where I feel bad.

My kids struggled the most with my mental illness during the time I was misdiagnosed as bipolar because I was heavily over medicated for my ht/wt and wrongly medicated at that. I turned into a near-zombie. My kids called me "Flat Mom". Fun mom goes ice-skating with them. "Flat mom" can barely sit on the bench outside the rink. Fun mom puts notes in when she packs school lunches. "Flat mom" has to set an alarm to remind her to slip a Lunchable in the backpack. When I was properly diagnosed and the med switch started to work, my fiance and kids made a "Flat mom" out of cardboard (like a flat Stanley) and burned it in effigy. Otherwise, I have managed to limit the impact of my illness on my kids by being 100% med compliant (I have a great app on my smartphone) and seeing a therapist regularly.

I have done a poor job of sheltering my kids from my mentally ill brother and ex-husband. My younger child is especially sensitive to the fact that my brother is living on the streets. My first marriage actually ended because my then-husband had severe mental illness (borderline personality disorder with anxiety) that he stopped treating. He was able to work his way up to 70/30 with the younger DC by mid-elementary school. He can't actually handle that much though so his family pitches in and I also accept any and all offers of "extra time". My biggest worry with him is that he is still sporadic about treatment. When he knows he is about to get fired or lose of one his many "fiancees", he rushes back into treatment to try to stave off the inevitable. It always fails and within 3 months, he says he doesn't need a therapist, just meds. Then in another two months, he says he doesn't need the meds, either. Then he meets someone new, starts a world-wind romance and gets engaged within 4-8 weeks. Then the cycle typically starts all over again. Most of these women have mental illness (he meets them through NAMI) and small children of their own. The current fiancee is pretty impaired by her mental illness and is infertile.

My fiance and I see a couples' therapist who has experience working with PTSD. My fiance is really good at reading me. He heads off some episodes by redirecting me. If he can't stop it, he will help me through safely. I joke that he's my emotional support animal. In truth, I have had fewer nightmares and flashbacks in his company.

4. Do you worry about one of your children inheriting the disorder?

My kids both have anxiety. It's a brain chemistry thing. They got a double dose of the genes apparently. The older one is medicated for it. The younger one uses CBT techniques. Also, we "Do, don't stew." When the winter weather is bad, my younger one and I take out an XXL 20 gal ziploc bag, fill it with a thrift store blanket, dollar store hat, gloves, socks, first aid supplies, and snacks. Then, we give it to the first homeless person we can get to accept it. I have told DC that someone else must be doing the same thing where my brother lives. Then, we have to go back to homework.



I worry about them inheriting some of the comorbid conditions, such as psychosis, but so far, no signs in either child.

[Anonymous]

My sister has a host of psychiatric diseases: alcohol addiction, bulimia that waxes and wanes in severity, panic disorder, emotional lability that's either bipolar or borderline PD. My father has narcissistic PD and my mother's struggled with depression for years. I've had episodes of depression but they responded well to meds and/or psychotherapy; have been med-free for quite a while, and thanks to years of intensive therapy with an excellent therapist, live my life very differently than I used to.

1. What's your role in your family? Does that change during times of crisis?

I'm the emotional caretaker, and have been since childhood. That role is magnified during times of crisis. My mom was diagnosed with cancer about a year ago, and despite having two small kids I did the lion's share of the family help. My parents are divorced but amiably, and my dad's helped out in the real crunch situations. My sister's done nothing, but she also has two children and no real spousal support, so it's hard for her, psychiatric problems aside.

2. What's your relationship like with your family member? With your parents and siblings?

I limit my time with my sister and really only see her at some holidays or birthdays. We live maybe 30 minutes apart, but live very different lives. I could probably see her more often but don't want to. She drains me emotionally and I need those reserves for my own family. She also kept a massive secret from the rest of our family for several years, one which could have placed my children in harm's way, and I haven't moved past that yet. My mom's the most helpful and is great with our kids: she sees them when she can. Used to babysit one day/week, but the cancer has made that hard. They love my dad, too, and he loves them, and sees them once or twice a month.

3. How have you protected your marriage and children from the chaos?

I'm damn good at setting and maintaining boundaries with my family. I rely on my therapist (whom I now only see sporadically, but her door is always open) and close friends for support so as not to burden my spouse. My kids, I limit contact, so that's helped. I also take good care of myself: exercise daily, seek support as needed, so I don't bring home the crap of my sister and parents.

4. Do you worry about one of your children inheriting the disorder?

No. I know enough professionally about how most of these disorders are manifested to know that most aren't highly heritable, i.e., unless a parent has one of them, there's a good chance the kids won't have them. Bipolar is the most highly heritable, followed by schizophrenia (I think), and environment matters a lot. I work hard to be a strong role model for my kids and not model the depressive behaviors I saw modeled for me, nor do I make them take care of me emotionally. My husband and I prioritize their emotional well-being, including helping them learn to regulate and express their emotions in healthy ways. We do the same for each other. I mean, sure, genetics can be a bitch, but I'm doing everything I can to make sure my kids have a strong foundation, and that's all Ic an do.