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[quote=Anonymous][b]1. What's your role in your family? Does that change during times of crisis? [/b]

My mother had severe depression, my brother had bipolar disorder, both of my parents were alcoholics.  I was a caregiver and emotional support to my mom during childhood and teenage years.  As an adult, I kept a lot of geographic distance from them in my 20's in order to focus on my own emotional health.  In my 30's, I moved back home to care for one parent for home hospice, which ended up lasting quite a long time, and during this process I became very close with my brother who had bipolar disorder.  We were never really friends as kids but became great friends as adults.  He was a wonderful person but suffered greatly from his disease when his symptoms would get beyond his control.  He died from his disease, by suicide.  My parents have both since died as well.

I've been the rescuer forever, as was my brother who was sick.  That kind of all came to a head with my brother's suicide, though.  I realized acutely that I had to choose to save myself first.  My brother was in a caretaker role with our parents and his mentally ill wife (who is emotionally abusive and horrible) and it killed him.  I felt (and still feel) tremendous guilt for pulling back, but I have to save myself.  I can't let myself get pulled into a vortex that I might not be able to escape from.

The hardest thing now for me is that my brother's widow is both unstable and emotionally abusive to his surviving children.  I can't protect them and my access to them is limited by her very volatile moods.  She hasn't let me see them in almost four months.  It breaks my heart but I am trying not to let it consume me.  I have my own family that I have to protect and focus on because they are (tragically) out of my ability to protect and help.

2. What's your relationship like with your family member? With your parents and siblings?

My relationship with my mother was very, very difficult.  I had compassion for her suffering, but I needed to keep a lot of distance from her because she had such a negative effect on my own mental health.  She was very emotionally dependent upon me and I had to get a lot of distance from her, but then I'd be overcome with guilt and invest more time in her, and then it would result in my own depression getting worse, so I'd have to distance myself again.  It has been a really, really hard balance my whole life between protecting myself and loving them with my presence and attention.

My relationship with my brother who died was very good.  He did not choose his illness.  And while I wish that his brain had allowed him to make different choices in the end, I know that he was not in his right mind.  His organ failed him.  It was not a choice.

I have another brother who I am very distant from.  He has chosen to keep his distance from our parents since he was out of high school and despite being very wealthy was not willing to even provide some financial help for them.  I understand drawing boundaries to protect yourself, but I consider him very selfish.

3. How have you protected your marriage and children from the chaos?

Geographic distance helps, although it was a huge burden when my mother was near her end of life and I had to travel to help her during hospitalizations and such.  My mother died while my son was still a toddler, but I had to draw major boundaries with her even during visits when her moods were affecting him.

4. Do you worry about one of your children inheriting the disorder? 
Yes.  I have depression myself so I do worry about that.  But I know I'd rather be alive than not be alive with an illness, and I know that I will be much better equipped to educate and help my child if he does get sick.
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