Spouse's lack of follow through driving me insane

[Anonymous]

I've been struggling with DH with making promises and not following through for several months now. I've been patient, I've had talks with him, but no will on his part to do any of it until I reach my threshold and start feeling upset or hurt...but for the most part, I feel like I'm patient enough. I know it's mainly laziness than disinterest, and I know he has a genuine intent. That makes all the difference with me staying and putting up with it. The laziness and inaction though is getting tiring and I end up feeling disappointed or at its worse, utter resentment. The promises go from minor ones to big ones (picking up after himself, to not passing out on the couch nightly to leaving work at a reasonable hour to spend quality time). I honestly can't remember a time (while married) where he has followed through with what he said unless I'm upset and he will do it for a week then back to the same old habits. I would say it's beginning to cause a rift in our once solid relationship and I'm starting To have a hard time believing anything he says anymore. Anyone in the same boat or have any suggestions on making things better?

[Anonymous]

Habits take about 6 weeks to solidify. Don't change too much too fast. Pick one thing and work on it together. Sucks that you have to shepherd a grown man through this but if his other qualities are worth it then it's worth it to try. What's the most important thing to change right now? Leaving work at a good time? Suggest and watch him set himself an outlook and a cell phone reminder to leave at X time. See if that helps.
Some people need a rigid plan to stick to and have a hard time with nebulous changes. Intention is good but action is what matters in the end.

[Anonymous]

Also pick your battles. Some of this stuff sounds really minor and you sound intolerant. Ease up a little.

[Anonymous]

How many of these things you want him to change. were issues before you got married/had kids? If this is how he's always been, expecting him to change now is unrealistic. These kinds of habits are in significant part hard-wired and the effort of trying to change is exhausting, so it's no wonder he falls back into his old routine after a week or so. If these are new habits (the messiness, staying at work too late, falling asleep on the couch), you might want to consider whether there is a bigger issue underlying them, such as depression. If there is an underlying reason like that, he probably won't be able to change the habits until the underlying issue is resolved.

[Anonymous]

You have to decide if you want to die on this hill. The better option would be to accept him as he is and stop feeling resentful over this. I'm sure you have bad habits, too.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you want to remake/remodel your spouse into someone new. This isn't lack of follow through. This is your agenda in high gear, the hell with him.

My impression is that you badger him to give you a commitment about something -- to leave work earlier, for example -- and he doesn't really want to or can't. You then spin this up into an unfulfilled "promise." It's not a promise. It's your wish. That's all it is.

[Anonymous]

Oh my god, you sound exactly like my DH if he wrote such a complaint about me. People can only change so much OP. It's likely he changed a lot for you in order to get as far as you did (marriage). If he's always been this way, he'll probably always be this way. You have to let go of all these things you wish your DH did better and focus more on what he does right. Or you have to decide if you can live with his flaws/undesirable traits, which you have as well...or if you can't.

[Anonymous]

Focus on making things work, OP. You are the only person you can change.