Do you read you child's text messages?

[Anonymous]

My daughter (11) has just gotten her first cell-phone, and while researching parental control apps, I notice that many of them have the option for parents to view their child's text messages. I feel conflicted about this because it seems like an invasion of privacy, similar to recording phone conversations. On the other hand, I am well aware of how catty and mean-spirited middle schoolers can be, and sort of feel that parents should monitor texts to reduce the amount of drama these things are likely to cause.

[Anonymous]

Middle school, I would check in randomly, progressively giving more privacy as the child aged. High school, no.

Part of giving a kid a cell phone is teaching them how to use it responsibly. Like driving a car. They don't just automatically know how to do it when given the keys. Or the phone.

Tell her from the get-go that the phone isn't private (yet). And tell her clearly stated rules of use, as well as consequences for breaking those rules.

My 10 year old nephew was in a group text in 5th grade about beating a kid up when he left school that day. My nephew wasn't the one threatening, but he was involved in the group texts. He got in trouble from the school, as he should have. But they need to know about these things, how to avoid them, and the potential real life consequences.

[Anonymous]

Which apps let you read text messages?

[Anonymous]

Yes, and it's mainly drivel with occasionally something I need to talk about with her. Just make sure she knows you can and will read them once in a while.

[Anonymous]

Yup. In middle school I monitor everything. I have a progressive plan for autonomy. I work in the criminal justice system and kids with smart phones are going to buy me a beach house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Which apps let you read text messages?

OP here. Apps might not be the right word, but there are subscription services that allow you to do this. Teensafe and Phonesheriff come to mind.

[Anonymous]

I read them. I don't use an app, etc... I just pick up the phone and read.

I don't believe in privacy for phones. You can read mine, I can read yours.

While reading the texts I found out Larla offered to send my 8th grader a topless picture.
I found out that 9th graders are smoking pot, giving BJs and drinking their parents vodka.
I found out which parents allow drinking in the basement every weekend.

Terms of use: it ain't yours until you pay for it... Not on my family plan.

[Anonymous]

Monitoring is a short term solution. Teach them how to be responsible. In a year or two they will only be using snapchat and you can't monitor anymore.

[Anonymous]

My DD knows I can take her phone at any time and go through it. She's in seventh grade. The "worst" thing I've found is that sometimes she curses which doesn't bother me. I find it hilarious that some of her friends ask her for advice about boys, since she has no interest yet.

[Anonymous]

Never. 3 kids of texting age (22, 20, and 12)... obviously the elder to are adults and the point is moot for them now, but I never read their texts st any point when they were growing up either. Since it turned out fine with both older girls, I will continental to refrain from reading texts with DD12 and with DD3 when the time comes. I consider reading their communications regardless of medium to be totally inappropriate unless there is a grave concern for someone's immediate safety.

[Anonymous]

^elder two. Posting from phone, sorry for the typo

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I read them. I don't use an app, etc... I just pick up the phone and read.

I don't believe in privacy for phones. You can read mine, I can read yours.

While reading the texts I found out Larla offered to send my 8th grader a topless picture.
I found out that 9th graders are smoking pot, giving BJs and drinking their parents vodka.
I found out which parents allow drinking in the basement every weekend.

Terms of use: it ain't yours until you pay for it... Not on my family plan.

You would and have allowed your children to read your texts and evaluate them for appropriateness? Interesting. I still find a lack of privacy for individual people's communications inappropriate, but at least this is far more respectful than the way I see most parents carrying out such a policy. I would only consider doing this to my children's texts if I was likewise willing to allow them to do so to mine in return, which I am not. That's a good check, thanks for sharing something I hadn't considered before.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I read them. I don't use an app, etc... I just pick up the phone and read.

I don't believe in privacy for phones. You can read mine, I can read yours.

While reading the texts I found out Larla offered to send my 8th grader a topless picture.
I found out that 9th graders are smoking pot, giving BJs and drinking their parents vodka.
I found out which parents allow drinking in the basement every weekend.

Terms of use: it ain't yours until you pay for it... Not on my family plan.

You would and have allowed your children to read your texts and evaluate them for appropriateness? Interesting. I still find a lack of privacy for individual people's communications inappropriate, but at least this is far more respectful than the way I see most parents carrying out such a policy. I would only consider doing this to my children's texts if I was likewise willing to allow them to do so to mine in return, which I am not. That's a good check, thanks for sharing something I hadn't considered before.

Why would you feel the need to let your kids read your texts? Do they pay for your phone and service? Are they your guardians, responsible for helping you make good decisions as you mature?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I read them. I don't use an app, etc... I just pick up the phone and read.

I don't believe in privacy for phones. You can read mine, I can read yours.

While reading the texts I found out Larla offered to send my 8th grader a topless picture.
I found out that 9th graders are smoking pot, giving BJs and drinking their parents vodka.
I found out which parents allow drinking in the basement every weekend.

Terms of use: it ain't yours until you pay for it... Not on my family plan.

You would and have allowed your children to read your texts and evaluate them for appropriateness? Interesting. I still find a lack of privacy for individual people's communications inappropriate, but at least this is far more respectful than the way I see most parents carrying out such a policy. I would only consider doing this to my children's texts if I was likewise willing to allow them to do so to mine in return, which I am not. That's a good check, thanks for sharing something I hadn't considered before.

Why would you feel the need to let your kids read your texts? Do they pay for your phone and service? Are they your guardians, responsible for helping you make good decisions as you mature?

Because of the environment in which I was raised, I have made a personal commitment to never use the argument that I pay for something and therefore have the exclusive right to set rules for its use without negotiation. Not even with my kids.

And I don't believe that reading my children's texts is necessary to help them make good choices. It was not neccessary in my experience with my older two.

I believe that giving them privacy to communicate with others, and to access information without me serving as gatekeeper, is essential to both help them make good choices and help them develop their own sense of identity.

I see few risks that I'm not ok with in letting them keep their texts private, and many risks that I'm definitely not ok with in reading them.

I personally believe that every person has a fairly high right to privacy, so if it would feel to me like an invasion for someone to be reading my texts (it definitely would), then it probably crosses the line of what I would consider invasive and inappropriate to do to anyone else.

By the way, just for the sake of accountability and clarity, I am also poster 12:00. Apologies for not noting that originally in my post that quoted yours to reply to you. It was an oversight that I try to avoid making. Usually when I post multiple times in a thread I try to always note which poster I am so it does not appear that I am sock puppeting my own positions and so others may more easily question points I have made while knowing who they are addressing.

[Anonymous]

We actually don't really treat phones as super-private-- my kids will read our messages (e.g. if one of us is out and texts the other a kid will sometimes answer) and I will sometimes glance at messages on the home screen. I think we've said we can read their messages but do not generally ask them to turn over their phone so we can page through.