Do you read you child's text messages?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yup. In middle school I monitor everything. I have a progressive plan for autonomy. I work in the criminal justice system and kids with smart phones are going to buy me a beach house.

[Anonymous]

I read her texts. I'm signed into her Instagram on my phone. I look at her search history. She is 11 and can make pretty big mistakes for which the consequences are high on her phone. She of course knows all of this and has no expectation of privacy on her phone. She also knows I will not read her journal or any handwritten communication. I also don't listen in when she talks to her friends. Texts and social media are different. I will give her a longer leash when she's a little older and I'm convinced she's ready.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I read them. I don't use an app, etc... I just pick up the phone and read.

I don't believe in privacy for phones. You can read mine, I can read yours.

While reading the texts I found out Larla offered to send my 8th grader a topless picture.
I found out that 9th graders are smoking pot, giving BJs and drinking their parents vodka.
I found out which parents allow drinking in the basement every weekend.

Terms of use: it ain't yours until you pay for it... Not on my family plan.

You would and have allowed your children to read your texts and evaluate them for appropriateness? Interesting. I still find a lack of privacy for individual people's communications inappropriate, but at least this is far more respectful than the way I see most parents carrying out such a policy. I would only consider doing this to my children's texts if I was likewise willing to allow them to do so to mine in return, which I am not. That's a good check, thanks for sharing something I hadn't considered before.

Why would you feel the need to let your kids read your texts? Do they pay for your phone and service? Are they your guardians, responsible for helping you make good decisions as you mature?

Because of the environment in which I was raised, I have made a personal commitment to never use the argument that I pay for something and therefore have the exclusive right to set rules for its use without negotiation. Not even with my kids.

And I don't believe that reading my children's texts is necessary to help them make good choices. It was not neccessary in my experience with my older two.

I believe that giving them privacy to communicate with others, and to access information without me serving as gatekeeper, is essential to both help them make good choices and help them develop their own sense of identity.

I see few risks that I'm not ok with in letting them keep their texts private, and many risks that I'm definitely not ok with in reading them.

I personally believe that every person has a fairly high right to privacy, so if it would feel to me like an invasion for someone to be reading my texts (it definitely would), then it probably crosses the line of what I would consider invasive and inappropriate to do to anyone else.

By the way, just for the sake of accountability and clarity, I am also poster 12:00. Apologies for not noting that originally in my post that quoted yours to reply to you. It was an oversight that I try to avoid making. Usually when I post multiple times in a thread I try to always note which poster I am so it does not appear that I am sock puppeting my own positions and so others may more easily question points I have made while knowing who they are addressing.

I'm glad you've found what works for you. I'm not sure experts agree with no monitoring whatsoever, but YMMV.

[Anonymous]

I would - some phones can send the text to other places - my iPhone sends the message to both my computer and iPad. You can set it up to do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would - some phones can send the text to other places - my iPhone sends the message to both my computer and iPad. You can set it up to do that.

I just picked my seventh grader up from a sleepover. She told me the girl's dad pays $35 a year for a program where he controls when her phone gets turned off, and it sends all her text messages to him. I told DD I'm not getting that for her phone because I'll just read her text messages whenever I want. Probably amounts to about every other month. Sometimes she uses curse words.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Monitoring is a short term solution. Teach them how to be responsible. In a year or two they will only be using snapchat and you can't monitor anymore.

I do not allow Snapchat for my 14 year old.

[Anonymous]

For middle school, I check texts and emails. And am very clear about the fact that this will happen. You have to learn how to use technology responsibly, and prove to me that you can before you earn the freedom of an unmonitored phone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I read them. I don't use an app, etc... I just pick up the phone and read.

I don't believe in privacy for phones. You can read mine, I can read yours.

While reading the texts I found out Larla offered to send my 8th grader a topless picture.
I found out that 9th graders are smoking pot, giving BJs and drinking their parents vodka.
I found out which parents allow drinking in the basement every weekend.

Terms of use: it ain't yours until you pay for it... Not on my family plan.

You would and have allowed your children to read your texts and evaluate them for appropriateness? Interesting. I still find a lack of privacy for individual people's communications inappropriate, but at least this is far more respectful than the way I see most parents carrying out such a policy. I would only consider doing this to my children's texts if I was likewise willing to allow them to do so to mine in return, which I am not. That's a good check, thanks for sharing something I hadn't considered before.

Why would you feel the need to let your kids read your texts? Do they pay for your phone and service? Are they your guardians, responsible for helping you make good decisions as you mature?

Because of the environment in which I was raised, I have made a personal commitment to never use the argument that I pay for something and therefore have the exclusive right to set rules for its use without negotiation. Not even with my kids.

And I don't believe that reading my children's texts is necessary to help them make good choices. It was not neccessary in my experience with my older two.

I believe that giving them privacy to communicate with others, and to access information without me serving as gatekeeper, is essential to both help them make good choices and help them develop their own sense of identity.

I see few risks that I'm not ok with in letting them keep their texts private, and many risks that I'm definitely not ok with in reading them.

I personally believe that every person has a fairly high right to privacy, so if it would feel to me like an invasion for someone to be reading my texts (it definitely would), then it probably crosses the line of what I would consider invasive and inappropriate to do to anyone else.

By the way, just for the sake of accountability and clarity, I am also poster 12:00. Apologies for not noting that originally in my post that quoted yours to reply to you. It was an oversight that I try to avoid making. Usually when I post multiple times in a thread I try to always note which poster I am so it does not appear that I am sock puppeting my own positions and so others may more easily question points I have made while knowing who they are addressing.

You are naive. Sexting, bullying are group texts are reasons that I disagree with your logic. Things on the internet last FOREVER. Kids screenshot things and disseminate them. They do not have mature judgement and are programmed to take risks and under assess danger and the risk associated with the behaviors. Kids text things they would never say in person.

[Anonymous]

I check my son's phone all the time. Both by picking it up and reading his handset, and by having all of his texts go into the same iCloud account as mine. His texts appear on my iMac. He knows this. Knows he has no privacy with the phone that we pay for.

At 12, he was suspended by his private school for something he wrote on Instagram. The message was received and he treats social media like it's a red hot fire.

BUT, I like the idea of telling him that I'll never read anything handwritten. Think I'll do that.

[Anonymous]

is there some resource to show kids how to use various social media responsibly?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:is there some resource to show kids how to use various social media responsibly?

Yes. You.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I read them. I don't use an app, etc... I just pick up the phone and read.

I don't believe in privacy for phones. You can read mine, I can read yours.

While reading the texts I found out Larla offered to send my 8th grader a topless picture.
I found out that 9th graders are smoking pot, giving BJs and drinking their parents vodka.
I found out which parents allow drinking in the basement every weekend.

Terms of use: it ain't yours until you pay for it... Not on my family plan.

Exactly my approach. If you set up this expectation from the beginning there is no expectation to privacy. Really none of us should have one as texts can easily fall into the wrong hands.

[Anonymous]

I have 10 & 16 year olds. My 10 year old does not have a phone yet but for my 16 year old I did spot checks in middle school. No sneaking, he was told up front that I would be checking his texts and internet history whenever I felt like it. I stopped any sort of monitoring once he got to high school.

Unless there is some reason not to, I expect I'll also stop monitoring in high school for my 10. Once he gets a phone, that is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My daughter (11) has just gotten her first cell-phone, and while researching parental control apps, I notice that many of them have the option for parents to view their child's text messages. I feel conflicted about this because it seems like an invasion of privacy, similar to recording phone conversations. On the other hand, I am well aware of how catty and mean-spirited middle schoolers can be, and sort of feel that parents should monitor texts to reduce the amount of drama these things are likely to cause.

Too young.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I read them. I don't use an app, etc... I just pick up the phone and read.

I don't believe in privacy for phones. You can read mine, I can read yours.

While reading the texts I found out Larla offered to send my 8th grader a topless picture.
I found out that 9th graders are smoking pot, giving BJs and drinking their parents vodka.
I found out which parents allow drinking in the basement every weekend.

Terms of use: it ain't yours until you pay for it... Not on my family plan.

Exactly my approach. If you set up this expectation from the beginning there is no expectation to privacy. Really none of us should have one as texts can easily fall into the wrong hands.

Mine too.