I honestly couldn't decide which was worse yesterday

[Anonymous]

My 81-yo MIL, who has dementia, prattling on with banalities. She just blurts things out constantly. Harmless, pointless things, after which she giggles nervously. I just ignore it since I believe it's part of the disease.

Or, my DW who begins to chastize her mother for blurting out these banalities. Viciously chastizing her.

I know they never had a good relationship, but I don't like this behavior being modeled in front of my tweens (who at least have good sense to humor Nana).

[Anonymous]

Your DW obviously!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your DW obviously!

It's very hard to live with. I've come to believe she has BPD. And with an 11 yo and 13 yo dds, I'm really nervous about how to protect them from it. I can handle the emotion swings, but they're teenage girls. It's very hard to persuade them to not take her abrupt and mean behavior personally.

[Anonymous]

This reminds me of a column I read, written by a woman whose husband became her mother's friend after her mother developed dementia and would stop remembering things, repeating herself, getting mad at they daughter. And the main difference was that the daughter wanted to keep correcting her mother while the sin in law just played along and would even egg her on with nonsensical responses but in a playful manner. I can't find the link but I thought it was a great example of the truism that it is better to be kind than to be right all the time.

[Anonymous]

I think sometimes people get mad/angry when they are actually sad/depressed. I am that way. When I am stressed or sad about something, it comes out as anger. Maybe your DW is just trying to deal with her mother's dementia (which is terrible to watch) in a way that doesn't really show how she really feels. Maybe she needs to try to examine her own feelings about her mother and her situation. Don't completely turn against her, yet, she may just need to examine her own head.

[Anonymous]

It's time for you to step up. Whatever's going on with your wife, she needs you. Research eldercare support, maybe find a social worker with eldercare experience and set up an appointment for you and your wife to go together the first time. Also insist that she sees an individual therapist (and clearly you can't make her go, but you can put the pressure on). She's struggling, you need to do everything you can to help her.

[Anonymous]

I always got along better with my MIL when dh wasn't there. Yes, she was anxious and had to have her life arranged just so but dh's visible resentment of that as if it were aimed at him personally was more grating and difficult to be around. Just remember this useful phrase: "Your parents know how to push your buttons because they're the ones who installed them." My MIL didn't install my buttons so I didn't feel like her anxiety was aimed at me.

It took me a long time to set boundaries with my own mother but once I was able to do that, I could see that she was also acting out of anxiety and it wasn't really about me. So sorry you're going through this, OP. It sucks.

[Anonymous]

Your wife is probably scared and feeling alone, and you're painting her as the bad guy. Recognize that she wants to control the uncontrollable; she wants to make everything right when it is wrong. She wants to believe this is behavior and not an overpowering condition.

Talk to your wife about getting some counseling to help her manage this. You have a duty to love and help your wife--not villianize her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think sometimes people get mad/angry when they are actually sad/depressed. I am that way. When I am stressed or sad about something, it comes out as anger. Maybe your DW is just trying to deal with her mother's dementia (which is terrible to watch) in a way that doesn't really show how she really feels. Maybe she needs to try to examine her own feelings about her mother and her situation. Don't completely turn against her, yet, she may just need to examine her own head.

Agree, and your wife is chastizing he mother may be her way of having some control of a situation that just spirals downward.

[Anonymous]

Have some freaking compassion!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your wife is probably scared and feeling alone, and you're painting her as the bad guy. Recognize that she wants to control the uncontrollable; she wants to make everything right when it is wrong. She wants to believe this is behavior and not an overpowering condition.

Talk to your wife about getting some counseling to help her manage this. You have a duty to love and help your wife--not villianize her.

Meh. I've had to live with her controlling ways for 13 years. I'm over it. I'll villianize her if I want to.

She hid her mental illness from me before we got married. Didn't tell me until 7 or 8 years in that she had been hospitalized in college and it took 6 years to graduate. By then we already had children and I was trapped.

I do a lot for her mother. I treat her mother more kindly than she does.

I'm tired, though. And I still feel trapped.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your wife is probably scared and feeling alone, and you're painting her as the bad guy. Recognize that she wants to control the uncontrollable; she wants to make everything right when it is wrong. She wants to believe this is behavior and not an overpowering condition.

Talk to your wife about getting some counseling to help her manage this. You have a duty to love and help your wife--not villianize her.

Meh. I've had to live with her controlling ways for 13 years. I'm over it. I'll villianize her if I want to.

She hid her mental illness from me before we got married. Didn't tell me until 7 or 8 years in that she had been hospitalized in college and it took 6 years to graduate. By then we already had children and I was trapped.

I do a lot for her mother. I treat her mother more kindly than she does.

I'm tired, though. And I still feel trapped.

Be a grown-ass man. To do so, here are your options:

1) Continue to be a pussy and complain about your life on anonymous online forums (you will likely do this); be sure to actively try to pit your children agains their mother for bonus points, because you truly are a despicable person

2) Get counseling for your entire family. Insist on it. I doubt you will do this, because why actively try to improve your situation when you can be a martyr?

3) Leave her. If it is that bad, leave her. Doubt you'll do this, because it may take effort, and you don't want to at all look like the bad guy--SHE'S the bad guy, right? I mean she had the AUDACITY to suffer from mental illness and feel ashamed/stigmatized about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your wife is probably scared and feeling alone, and you're painting her as the bad guy. Recognize that she wants to control the uncontrollable; she wants to make everything right when it is wrong. She wants to believe this is behavior and not an overpowering condition.

Talk to your wife about getting some counseling to help her manage this. You have a duty to love and help your wife--not villianize her.

Meh. I've had to live with her controlling ways for 13 years. I'm over it. I'll villianize her if I want to.

She hid her mental illness from me before we got married. Didn't tell me until 7 or 8 years in that she had been hospitalized in college and it took 6 years to graduate. By then we already had children and I was trapped.

I do a lot for her mother. I treat her mother more kindly than she does.

I'm tired, though. And I still feel trapped.

Be a grown-ass man. To do so, here are your options:

1) Continue to be a pussy and complain about your life on anonymous online forums (you will likely do this); be sure to actively try to pit your children agains their mother for bonus points, because you truly are a despicable person

2) Get counseling for your entire family. Insist on it. I doubt you will do this, because why actively try to improve your situation when you can be a martyr?

3) Leave her. If it is that bad, leave her. Doubt you'll do this, because it may take effort, and you don't want to at all look like the bad guy--SHE'S the bad guy, right? I mean she had the AUDACITY to suffer from mental illness and feel ashamed/stigmatized about it.

The OP has good reason to be concerned for his girls as well as his MIL. Even though his wife has legitimate issues, it still grates on family relationships.

And by the way, family counseling isn't a cure all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your wife is probably scared and feeling alone, and you're painting her as the bad guy. Recognize that she wants to control the uncontrollable; she wants to make everything right when it is wrong. She wants to believe this is behavior and not an overpowering condition.

Talk to your wife about getting some counseling to help her manage this. You have a duty to love and help your wife--not villianize her.

Meh. I've had to live with her controlling ways for 13 years. I'm over it. I'll villianize her if I want to.

She hid her mental illness from me before we got married. Didn't tell me until 7 or 8 years in that she had been hospitalized in college and it took 6 years to graduate. By then we already had children and I was trapped.

I do a lot for her mother. I treat her mother more kindly than she does.

I'm tired, though. And I still feel trapped.

Be a grown-ass man. To do so, here are your options:

1) Continue to be a pussy and complain about your life on anonymous online forums (you will likely do this); be sure to actively try to pit your children agains their mother for bonus points, because you truly are a despicable person

2) Get counseling for your entire family. Insist on it. I doubt you will do this, because why actively try to improve your situation when you can be a martyr?

3) Leave her. If it is that bad, leave her. Doubt you'll do this, because it may take effort, and you don't want to at all look like the bad guy--SHE'S the bad guy, right? I mean she had the AUDACITY to suffer from mental illness and feel ashamed/stigmatized about it.

The OP has good reason to be concerned for his girls as well as his MIL. Even though his wife has legitimate issues, it still grates on family relationships.

And by the way, family counseling isn't a cure all.

It's a start. It's where you start, instead of isolating and villianizing her.

[Anonymous]

Normally I get irritated with the DCUMers who complain about men getting less support on DCUM, but, folks, some of you are being overly harsh on OP. Would you give the same advice to a woman writing in about her dh? Strikes me that not mentioning before you get married that you were hospitalized in college and took six years to graduate is a rather significant omission. I'd be very upset about that.