I honestly couldn't decide which was worse yesterday

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your wife is probably scared and feeling alone, and you're painting her as the bad guy. Recognize that she wants to control the uncontrollable; she wants to make everything right when it is wrong. She wants to believe this is behavior and not an overpowering condition.

Talk to your wife about getting some counseling to help her manage this. You have a duty to love and help your wife--not villianize her.

Meh. I've had to live with her controlling ways for 13 years. I'm over it. I'll villianize her if I want to.

She hid her mental illness from me before we got married. Didn't tell me until 7 or 8 years in that she had been hospitalized in college and it took 6 years to graduate. By then we already had children and I was trapped.

I do a lot for her mother. I treat her mother more kindly than she does.

I'm tired, though. And I still feel trapped.

NP and finding myself surprised at the change in your tone. First post sounded concerned, next post sounded like you're way past salvaging this and don't want to.

I was going to say that old conflict between parents and children can carry on past the parent's ability to mend it. The child, now adult, is still inside that conflict and lives it out even though the parent has moved on for whatever reason. Maybe your MIL was vicious when DW was a child and now she can feel no other way in return.

I think the best you can do is talk about what's best for your kids and come to an agreement about how DW should behave in front of them. If she can't keep her feelings in check maybe she should just be completely honest about them so she can learn how they're affecting the rest of the family. But the main thing is that someone has to model conflict management and it seems like you're the only one who can do it right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Normally I get irritated with the DCUMers who complain about men getting less support on DCUM, but, folks, some of you are being overly harsh on OP. Would you give the same advice to a woman writing in about her dh? Strikes me that not mentioning before you get married that you were hospitalized in college and took six years to graduate is a rather significant omission. I'd be very upset about that.

And? Shit happens. It's hard to disclose "faults" and hardships. Once someone confides in you, you do your best to help them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This reminds me of a column I read, written by a woman whose husband became her mother's friend after her mother developed dementia and would stop remembering things, repeating herself, getting mad at they daughter. And the main difference was that the daughter wanted to keep correcting her mother while the sin in law just played along and would even egg her on with nonsensical responses but in a playful manner. I can't find the link but I thought it was a great example of the truism that it is better to be kind than to be right all the time.

+1

It is amazing how many grown adults lack this basic wisdom.

[Anonymous]

I would feel duped, too, OP. I did not find out about DH's schizophrenia, on his side of the family - until recently. We have been married decades, and his ILs finally fessed up - though I had suspected all along.

With my family, you get what you get - its all out there - and if you can't take a joke, that's your problem

[Anonymous]

Gee, why would anyone want to hide their mental illness?

[Anonymous]

Leave her and take your kids.

[Anonymous]

DW sounds worse, especially if the old lady can't help it. It almost sounds amusing and like good entertainment.