Husband lying about money

[Anonymous]

I just found out my husband has been lying to me about money. He has been lying to me about how he has been spending it. We have debt now. He is depressed and I am concerned he is going to start online gambling. Are there any resources for the spouse in this type of situation. Or any suggestions for how I can protect myself? We have a little baby. I am having a hard time figuring out what to do.

[Anonymous]

Why are you concerned he's going to start online gambling?

Do, my DH came to me looking striken a while back. He was pratically holding his breath when he blurted out that we had 50k in credit debt. I tend to blow a cork and he was expecting an absolute nuclear meltdown. I thought for a second and even though he is in charge of finances and authorizing purchases, it took TWO to get in that hole. My response was, let's figure this out together and get our shit together. He was visibly relieved. I did not even realize until that moment how much stress he had been carrying in his body until I saw it leave his chest, face, and shoulders.

You know what? We together kicked the shit out of that 50k in 8 months time. We now do finances TOGETHER. We are both responsible for keeping each other in line.

You both got to where you are, now it's time to both get out of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are you concerned he's going to start online gambling?

Do, my DH came to me looking striken a while back. He was pratically holding his breath when he blurted out that we had 50k in credit debt. I tend to blow a cork and he was expecting an absolute nuclear meltdown. I thought for a second and even though he is in charge of finances and authorizing purchases, it took TWO to get in that hole. My response was, let's figure this out together and get our shit together. He was visibly relieved. I did not even realize until that moment how much stress he had been carrying in his body until I saw it leave his chest, face, and shoulders.

You know what? We together kicked the shit out of that 50k in 8 months time. We now do finances TOGETHER. We are both responsible for keeping each other in line.

You both got to where you are, now it's time to both get out of it.

That should have been happening since day 1 of marriage.

[Anonymous]

Gambling is a real addiction--no less serious than drug or alcohol addiction. If you think your husband may turn to online gambling, is that because you think he has a gambling problem or because you think he just going to try to do something rash to get out of this mess? If it is the former, you need to think about professional help. I have seen gabling addictions destroy families.

[Anonymous]

Has he had a gambling problem before?

If not, this is about as likely as him turning to male prostitution or drug dealing to get out of debt.

What kind of debt is it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you concerned he's going to start online gambling?

Do, my DH came to me looking striken a while back. He was pratically holding his breath when he blurted out that we had 50k in credit debt. I tend to blow a cork and he was expecting an absolute nuclear meltdown. I thought for a second and even though he is in charge of finances and authorizing purchases, it took TWO to get in that hole. My response was, let's figure this out together and get our shit together. He was visibly relieved. I did not even realize until that moment how much stress he had been carrying in his body until I saw it leave his chest, face, and shoulders.

You know what? We together kicked the shit out of that 50k in 8 months time. We now do finances TOGETHER. We are both responsible for keeping each other in line.

You both got to where you are, now it's time to both get out of it.

That should have been happening since day 1 of marriage.

Ok?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just found out my husband has been lying to me about money. He has been lying to me about how he has been spending it. We have debt now. He is depressed and I am concerned he is going to start online gambling. Are there any resources for the spouse in this type of situation. Or any suggestions for how I can protect myself? We have a little baby. I am having a hard time figuring out what to do.

1) immediately separate your bank accounts so that he doesn't have access to your money

2) do you work? If so, start saving all of your money because you'll need it

3) educate yourself on your liability as it relates to that debt that he created. You guys are married, so it COULD be partly your responsibility

4) he is likely lying about more than his over-spending. The over-spending is merely a symptom of the larger, actual problem. As a condition of you sticking around, he needs to get into intensive therapy ASAP. He has an addiction. Those are hard to beat, so get ready for an uphill battle

5) don't make any more babies with him

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you concerned he's going to start online gambling?

Do, my DH came to me looking striken a while back. He was pratically holding his breath when he blurted out that we had 50k in credit debt. I tend to blow a cork and he was expecting an absolute nuclear meltdown. I thought for a second and even though he is in charge of finances and authorizing purchases, it took TWO to get in that hole. My response was, let's figure this out together and get our shit together. He was visibly relieved. I did not even realize until that moment how much stress he had been carrying in his body until I saw it leave his chest, face, and shoulders.

You know what? We together kicked the shit out of that 50k in 8 months time. We now do finances TOGETHER. We are both responsible for keeping each other in line.

You both got to where you are, now it's time to both get out of it.

That should have been happening since day 1 of marriage.

Ok?

Woulda, coulda, shoulda. It's happening now. And that is great. So shut the hell up and add value to the discussion like this poster did or sit down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just found out my husband has been lying to me about money. He has been lying to me about how he has been spending it. We have debt now. He is depressed and I am concerned he is going to start online gambling. Are there any resources for the spouse in this type of situation. Or any suggestions for how I can protect myself? We have a little baby. I am having a hard time figuring out what to do.

An anonymous gambler's addiction line may be a good place to start. Call from a blocked number, or a dummy Gmail account if you are concerned about privacy.
If you are asking how you can protect yourself from being impacted from your spouse's spending - you can't really. It does take agreement and being on the same page if you are going to share finances, or agreeing to completely separate and draw a line where you can share those liberties until behaviors change.

It is OK to have a little debt. Everyone here looks down on it, but the truth is it doesn't have to be a lifetime sentence if you develop a plan to manage and get out of it, and stick to it. You can. And he can. Consider talking to a financial counselor or googling plans on how to get out of debt, or options to restructure your debt if you cant afford one. Update your budget (or create one) to account for the baby expenses, and maybe your DH can consider something part time (temporarily) to help prevent a timeline setback and contribute more to the debt payoff/savings.

I'm sorry this happened. Stay encouraged and I hope you find helpful advice here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you concerned he's going to start online gambling?

Do, my DH came to me looking striken a while back. He was pratically holding his breath when he blurted out that we had 50k in credit debt. I tend to blow a cork and he was expecting an absolute nuclear meltdown. I thought for a second and even though he is in charge of finances and authorizing purchases, it took TWO to get in that hole. My response was, let's figure this out together and get our shit together. He was visibly relieved. I did not even realize until that moment how much stress he had been carrying in his body until I saw it leave his chest, face, and shoulders.

You know what? We together kicked the shit out of that 50k in 8 months time. We now do finances TOGETHER. We are both responsible for keeping each other in line.

You both got to where you are, now it's time to both get out of it.

That should have been happening since day 1 of marriage.

Ok?

Woulda, coulda, shoulda. It's happening now. And that is great. So shut the hell up and add value to the discussion like this poster did or sit down.

Thanks for the humor, but you would be amazed how many people think they are ready for marriage and things such as this crop up and one of them wonders, why didn't this discussion take place?

Since this site gets thousands of views, it could be a lesson for someone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you concerned he's going to start online gambling?

Do, my DH came to me looking striken a while back. He was pratically holding his breath when he blurted out that we had 50k in credit debt. I tend to blow a cork and he was expecting an absolute nuclear meltdown. I thought for a second and even though he is in charge of finances and authorizing purchases, it took TWO to get in that hole. My response was, let's figure this out together and get our shit together. He was visibly relieved. I did not even realize until that moment how much stress he had been carrying in his body until I saw it leave his chest, face, and shoulders.

You know what? We together kicked the shit out of that 50k in 8 months time. We now do finances TOGETHER. We are both responsible for keeping each other in line.

You both got to where you are, now it's time to both get out of it.

That should have been happening since day 1 of marriage.

Ok?

Woulda, coulda, shoulda. It's happening now. And that is great. So shut the hell up and add value to the discussion like this poster did or sit down.

Thanks for the humor, but you would be amazed how many people think they are ready for marriage and things such as this crop up and one of them wonders, why didn't this discussion take place?

Since this site gets thousands of views, it could be a lesson for someone else.

That's why marriage is an evolution you dingus.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are you concerned he's going to start online gambling?

Do, my DH came to me looking striken a while back. He was pratically holding his breath when he blurted out that we had 50k in credit debt. I tend to blow a cork and he was expecting an absolute nuclear meltdown. I thought for a second and even though he is in charge of finances and authorizing purchases, it took TWO to get in that hole. My response was, let's figure this out together and get our shit together. He was visibly relieved. I did not even realize until that moment how much stress he had been carrying in his body until I saw it leave his chest, face, and shoulders.

You know what? We together kicked the shit out of that 50k in 8 months time. We now do finances TOGETHER. We are both responsible for keeping each other in line.

You both got to where you are, now it's time to both get out of it.

What did he spend 50k on and what was the length of time? When you say he was in charge of finances, do you mean you never did any part in seeing bills, etc? I am just curious, not snarky because I'm not sure I would help like you did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you concerned he's going to start online gambling?

Do, my DH came to me looking striken a while back. He was pratically holding his breath when he blurted out that we had 50k in credit debt. I tend to blow a cork and he was expecting an absolute nuclear meltdown. I thought for a second and even though he is in charge of finances and authorizing purchases, it took TWO to get in that hole. My response was, let's figure this out together and get our shit together. He was visibly relieved. I did not even realize until that moment how much stress he had been carrying in his body until I saw it leave his chest, face, and shoulders.

You know what? We together kicked the shit out of that 50k in 8 months time. We now do finances TOGETHER. We are both responsible for keeping each other in line.

You both got to where you are, now it's time to both get out of it.

That should have been happening since day 1 of marriage.

D-bag, of course it should have happened earlier but glad this couple came together and solved this issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you concerned he's going to start online gambling?

Do, my DH came to me looking striken a while back. He was pratically holding his breath when he blurted out that we had 50k in credit debt. I tend to blow a cork and he was expecting an absolute nuclear meltdown. I thought for a second and even though he is in charge of finances and authorizing purchases, it took TWO to get in that hole. My response was, let's figure this out together and get our shit together. He was visibly relieved. I did not even realize until that moment how much stress he had been carrying in his body until I saw it leave his chest, face, and shoulders.

You know what? We together kicked the shit out of that 50k in 8 months time. We now do finances TOGETHER. We are both responsible for keeping each other in line.

You both got to where you are, now it's time to both get out of it.

What did he spend 50k on and what was the length of time? When you say he was in charge of finances, do you mean you never did any part in seeing bills, etc? I am just curious, not snarky because I'm not sure I would help like you did.

about a year, but we've never been disciplined even before that, but the 50k is the first time we let it get out of hand. Spent it on bullshit, you know...home improvements, vacations, shit, excess.

DH and I have always had very defined "swim lanes" which works well for us. His lane was the money. We now share that responsibility, especially since he is completely unable to say no to me, and that was a big part of the problem. I'm was just as guilty of wanting this and that and he would always authorize it because he likes to make me happy. Now I'm happy watching our savings grow. We've made a complete 180.

I'm actually happy the 50k happened. We came out stronger. I behaved like an adult (not being a bitch over it), and we reaffirmed our belief that we work well as a team.

[Anonymous]

Divorce him. You are chained to a sinking rock.