Jealous of sister-Toxic relationship

[Anonymous]

Hello Everyone,

I am the evil and crazy older sister that my younger sister probably complains to her friends about. I just wanted to tell MY side of the story.

My sister and I grew up in a tight-knit loving home. Our parents showered us with love and care and ensured we had everything we needed/wanted. All their love and attention, however, couldn't make up for the fact that, being a preemie, I was always the awkward, super skinny, ugly looking kid. You know those cute little 6 year olds with huge cheeks and bright big eyes? That was my sister. She had straight black hair, chubby cheeks and big bright brown eyes. Due to being born a preemie- I was sickly. Constant bouts of diarrhea and asthma attacks left me looking stick thin and very small for my age. Children would always make fun of my small size and squeaky voice, adults would look at me concerned and confused. Everyone wanted to befriend my sister and adults took her in their arms and wanted to take photos with her.

I wasn't resentful of her at first. It just was what it was. But as we reached middle school and beyond, our differences became more apparent. My health improved but I grew into a really petite girl with awkward features who was't quite comfy in her body. My sister blossomed into a beautiful social butterfly. I was reclusive and isolated myself from everyone not feeling good enough to participate in social activities.

Fast forward, I am in a low paying job and am married to an amazing guy who I can't believe is in love with me. My sister works in a great job and makes a lot of money and is dating a super successful guy from a rich family.

Although I'm happy with my life and have tried to overcome my struggles, I am still jealous of her. I'm unnecessarily short with and rude to her. She does not deserve it. She hasn't done me any wrong, she doesn't deserve it.

I feel awful for being mean and spiteful but it really comes from a deep place of insecurity and resentment and envy harbored over the years.

She thinks im crazy and hates me. I probably deserve it.

[Anonymous]

Well, I guess it's good that you are self-aware. I think the question now is what do you want? Do you want to be able to step back from your relationship with your sister so that you no longer have to expose yourself to something that brings out such an unpleasant side of yourself? Or do you want to try and fix that side of yourself? Do you want to reconcile with your sister? Or is that not even a goal?

[Anonymous]

Well, at least you recognize that the resentment/dysfunction is unfounded and is your responsibility. So take responsibility and change your behavior, little by little.

Don't think you have to go from 0 to 100 and start being super close to her, but make some small peace offerings, and see how it goes. Call her. Send a nice holiday card. Invite her to coffee. Just make a few, small gestures and keep all conversation light and neutral. See where it goes from there.

If you feel like you need to directly acknowledge your situation before she'll take you up on one of these mall overtures, say something simple: "Sarah, I've recently been coming to terms with some of my own, personal issues. I realize that my behavior toward you has not been kind and fair. I've been jealous and resentful. It has had nothing to do with you, but I know it has affected you, and I'm sorry. Can we start small and start again? I might make some more mistakes along the way, but you are important to me, and I want you to know that."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Well, I guess it's good that you are self-aware. I think the question now is what do you want? Do you want to be able to step back from your relationship with your sister so that you no longer have to expose yourself to something that brings out such an unpleasant side of yourself? Or do you want to try and fix that side of yourself? Do you want to reconcile with your sister? Or is that not even a goal?

OP here.

The strangest thing is that people who know me now as a young adult generally think I'm a pleasant sweet kind person. I have developed okay social skills and am trying to improve myself so I can walk out of the black hole that was my teenage years. I am no where near as put together or successful as my sister and being with her actually brings out the worst in me. I think even though I am older than her, she has always looked at me as a cautionary tale and makes great efforts to avoid my mistakes. This of course makes me feel bad and I behave badly with her.

She does not bring out the best in me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: Well, I guess it's good that you are self-aware. I think the question now is what do you want? Do you want to be able to step back from your relationship with your sister so that you no longer have to expose yourself to something that brings out such an unpleasant side of yourself? Or do you want to try and fix that side of yourself? Do you want to reconcile with your sister? Or is that not even a goal?

OP here.

The strangest thing is that people who know me now as a young adult generally think I'm a pleasant sweet kind person. I have developed okay social skills and am trying to improve myself so I can walk out of the black hole that was my teenage years. I am no where near as put together or successful as my sister and being with her actually brings out the worst in me. I think even though I am older than her, she has always looked at me as a cautionary tale and makes great efforts to avoid my mistakes. This of course makes me feel bad and I behave badly with her.

She does not bring out the best in me.

And you shouldn't expect her to. Now is the time to fully realize and fully own that YOU are in charge of bringing out the best in you, OP. Stop envying her and start getting some healthy role models, and work toward achieving your own dreams for what you want for yourself?

Who is your style/beauty icon? Pick a few women/celebs whose style and look you want to emulate, and go from there. Pick celebs who already look like you in some way; don't try to be a Naomi Watts if you are more like a Nigella Lawson.

Who is your career icon? What are your career goals? Write down a 3-, 5-, 10-year plan for your career, with action items.

You sound like you have a great marriage--that is awesome! What could make it even stronger/better? Invest your time and energy into doing special things for your husband.

What hobbies/activities do you want to try? Cooking? Crafts? Photography? Pick one and start pursuing it, step by step.

Fill up your own life. Bring out the best in yourself. It is up to no one else but you.

[Anonymous]

I think you might want counseling toward through this.

But make no mistake, this is on you. Honestly I just want to snap at you, grow up and quit blaming your life on the fact that your sister was prettier than you. Life happens. People are prettier than others. Deal with it.

Obviously you have long-seated behaviors and feelings about this and it's not as simple as snapping your fingers and growing up. But seriously? re read your post. It is all, 100%, you. Don't like it? Change it. Use therapy to help you change it.

[Anonymous]

You are blaming your sister for things that were beyond her control and are consumed with envy that she has a better job and a "successful"boyfriend. Should she downplay her looks, get a lower paying job and ditch the boyfriend because you don't feel you measure up? The problem lies with you and not her. You need to work on yourself and perhaps seek therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: Well, I guess it's good that you are self-aware. I think the question now is what do you want? Do you want to be able to step back from your relationship with your sister so that you no longer have to expose yourself to something that brings out such an unpleasant side of yourself? Or do you want to try and fix that side of yourself? Do you want to reconcile with your sister? Or is that not even a goal?

OP here.

The strangest thing is that people who know me now as a young adult generally think I'm a pleasant sweet kind person. I have developed okay social skills and am trying to improve myself so I can walk out of the black hole that was my teenage years. I am no where near as put together or successful as my sister and being with her actually brings out the worst in me. I think even though I am older than her, she has always looked at me as a cautionary tale and makes great efforts to avoid my mistakes. This of course makes me feel bad and I behave badly with her.

She does not bring out the best in me.

And you shouldn't expect her to. Now is the time to fully realize and fully own that YOU are in charge of bringing out the best in you, OP. Stop envying her and start getting some healthy role models, and work toward achieving your own dreams for what you want for yourself?

Who is your style/beauty icon? Pick a few women/celebs whose style and look you want to emulate, and go from there. Pick celebs who already look like you in some way; don't try to be a Naomi Watts if you are more like a Nigella Lawson.

Who is your career icon? What are your career goals? Write down a 3-, 5-, 10-year plan for your career, with action items.

You sound like you have a great marriage--that is awesome! What could make it even stronger/better? Invest your time and energy into doing special things for your husband.

What hobbies/activities do you want to try? Cooking? Crafts? Photography? Pick one and start pursuing it, step by step.

Fill up your own life. Bring out the best in yourself. It is up to no one else but you.

Thanks for the tips.

Considering the social blackhole I was in, I thank my lucky stars every day for my amazing dream of a dh. He's literally the best thing about my life at the moment.

I do try to find stylish women I look up to. Allison Williams and Olivia Palermo best represent my style.

I'm still trying to figure out my career goals...My dream job would be to be in the management of an international non-profit.

I love to dance and paint and cook. DH and I weekly prepare one fancy dish together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are blaming your sister for things that were beyond her control and are consumed with envy that she has a better job and a "successful"boyfriend. Should she downplay her looks, get a lower paying job and ditch the boyfriend because you don't feel you measure up? The problem lies with you and not her. You need to work on yourself and perhaps seek therapy.

I understand that. My sister has always been nice to me and gone out of her way to make me feel better about my life and choices. It hurts so badly that all I can do is be mean to her and try to bring her down.

I hate myself for it.

I definitely want to go to therapy.

[Anonymous]

Next time you're with your sister:

"Sis, I've done a lot of introspection lately, and I just want you to know that I love you and I'm really sorry that I often act like a total jerk around you. To be honest, I've been really envious of you my whole life, for reasons that are probably too much to get into, and almost all the time, I get consumed by this toxic envy when I'm around you, and I act like a jerk. But I just want you to know that it's nothing that you've done that makes me act this way. It's just my own issues with myself. I'm working on it with a therapist."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are blaming your sister for things that were beyond her control and are consumed with envy that she has a better job and a "successful"boyfriend. Should she downplay her looks, get a lower paying job and ditch the boyfriend because you don't feel you measure up? The problem lies with you and not her. You need to work on yourself and perhaps seek therapy.

I understand that. My sister has always been nice to me and gone out of her way to make me feel better about my life and choices. It hurts so badly that all I can do is be mean to her and try to bring her down.

I hate myself for it.

I definitely want to go to therapy.

You can change this dynamic OP. You deserve the chance to be happy and at peace with your past. Go to therapy. It seems like you are ready to make some changes in your life. You can do this.

[Anonymous]

100% there's something your sister has always been jealous about you and your life about. It's just the way having a sister works. Whether she thinks you got more attention from when you were sick, you were smarter, you got married earlier, etc. However, in your mind you only see what you are jealous of what she had/has. The sooner you can decide not to compare yourself to her, which is easiest said than done, the sooner you can really move forward- on your own and in relationships with your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are blaming your sister for things that were beyond her control and are consumed with envy that she has a better job and a "successful"boyfriend. Should she downplay her looks, get a lower paying job and ditch the boyfriend because you don't feel you measure up? The problem lies with you and not her. You need to work on yourself and perhaps seek therapy.

+10000

My sister still blames me for being born, and everyone knows it. It is time she take responsibility and heal herself, as this has nothing to do with me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are blaming your sister for things that were beyond her control and are consumed with envy that she has a better job and a "successful"boyfriend. Should she downplay her looks, get a lower paying job and ditch the boyfriend because you don't feel you measure up? The problem lies with you and not her. You need to work on yourself and perhaps seek therapy.

I understand that. My sister has always been nice to me and gone out of her way to make me feel better about my life and choices. It hurts so badly that all I can do is be mean to her and try to bring her down.

I hate myself for it.

I definitely want to go to therapy.

You can change this dynamic OP. You deserve the chance to be happy and at peace with your past. Go to therapy. It seems like you are ready to make some changes in your life. You can do this.

+1

[Anonymous]

Op, you sound like you're blaming being a premie for a lot of things. How premature were you?