what did you tell your adopted child in this situation

[Anonymous]

DD is 3.5 and is aware she is adopted. She knows this means she didnt grow in our tummies but hasnt specifically asked yet where she came from. I know its coming soon though.
Here is our dilemma, Her birth mother had 2 other kids before she had DD. She has left those 2 children.
How do we explain to DD when she gets older why she was given up and the other 2 werent?
I know with a lot of adoptees you can say that the BM wasnt able to care for a baby, or was young, etc etc. But that wont ring true in our situation.

[Anonymous]

OP agai, not sure what I typed above, It should say that the BM still has the first 2 children, as in they live with her. Sorry for confusion

[Anonymous]

Why wont it? I think you can explain bio mom couldnt take care of three.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why wont it? I think you can explain bio mom couldnt take care of three.

+1. and add, loved her 3rd child enough to admit biomom couldn't take care of her and make sure that another family would give her all the love and support she deserved. Giving up a child isnt a failure if love, it is the most loving and selfless thing a parent can do in certain situations.

[Anonymous]

How open is the adoption? Do you have other children?

[Anonymous]

OP here, Its is officially an open adoption and the bm lives within 30 mins of us. However, we have never met her. We have reached out twice ( through the agency) and both times she has not been ready. I dont know if she will ever be 'ready'. I just hope that if DD wants to meet her she will be open to that. That why we did an open adoption.
We have no other kids.

[Anonymous]

I know with a lot of adoptees you can say that the BM wasnt able to care for a baby, or was young, etc etc. But that wont ring true in our situation.

I have three adopted children. The question of why their parents didn't keep them comes up every now and then. My answer is always "I don't know" because I really don't. One of my kids has an older sibling whom the birth mother kept. When he asked why her and not him, again, "I don't know." There are just aren't answers to every question our kids ask and that's ok for us to admit that to our kids. I would never say that the birth parents couldn't care for them unless I knew that to be true, which I don't.

[Anonymous]

I have almost the exact same situation....never thought about it this is an issue...however, in my mind, I think I would approach it by saying something along the lines of, 'Birth mom loved you so much that she wanted to give you opportunities that she could not give her other 2 children.

My DD is 2.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have almost the exact same situation....never thought about it this is an issue...however, in my mind, I think I would approach it by saying something along the lines of, 'Birth mom loved you so much that she wanted to give you opportunities that she could not give her other 2 children.

My DD is 2.

This is my post. Forgot to mention that adoption is closed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have almost the exact same situation....never thought about it this is an issue...however, in my mind, I think I would approach it by saying something along the lines of, 'Birth mom loved you so much that she wanted to give you opportunities that she could not give her other 2 children.

My DD is 2.

Careful with that one. Some kids take that to mean that if your parents really love you a lot, they will give you to someone else. It can cause unspoken anxiety.

It is better to say that the birthmother could not care for a baby at the time she relinquished you. Don;t say "couldn't take care of you". that makes the child feel it i something about her personally. Make it clear that at the time of adoption, the birthmother could not care for any baby, or any additional child.

[Anonymous]

That's a tricky one. My kids are bio-siblings, who were removed from their very young birth mom due to neglect. They subsequently discovered years later that she went on to have another bio child who, presumably, lives with her, though she made no effort to reconnect with them. They are furious and deeply hurt. So no matter what you tell your DD, she will probably have a lot of pain over this. A lot (though certainly not all) of adoptees struggle with a sense of shame---a feeling that something must have been wrong with them for them to have been relinquished.

I think you have to be very careful to answer only the questions you are asked, and avoid a tendency to give too much information too soon. As she starts to process it, just let her know that any emotion she has about it is perfectly valid. I am honest with my children that because they are adopted, they have a more complicated person history---with a lot of emotions that come with that. But I also tell them that their complicated history has also contributed to make them the strong, interesting people they are.

What sounds so sad about your DD's situation is the loss of siblings. She has a mom ---you---but not brothers or sisters. Her bio-sibs may be the people she eventually wants to connect with the most.

[Anonymous]

By the time my DD asked about this (age 8) she already had a younger sibling. Also, her mom had her at home for a few weeks before she brought her back to the hospital to be placed.

I try to qualify everything with "I think maybe," so she knows I'm speculating, but I reminded her how hard those first few weeks with her baby sister were, and pointed out that her birth mom had a two-year-old & didn't have a husband or other family members to help.

At one point DD said something like, "& it was hard to take care of me!" And I made sure to clarify that it wasnt that SHE was hard to take care of, it was that tiny babies are hard to take care of.

[Anonymous]

I do not refer to my child as the "adopted child." She is my child who joined our family through adoption. She understands her birth mom loved her very much and was not in a position to take care of her when she gave birth (very young, no money, stable housing, etc). Birth mom wanted more for her than she knew she could provide at the time. Keep it simple and do not overthink it. It is what it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do not refer to my child as the "adopted child." She is my child who joined our family through adoption. She understands her birth mom loved her very much and was not in a position to take care of her when she gave birth (very young, no money, stable housing, etc). Birth mom wanted more for her than she knew she could provide at the time. Keep it simple and do not overthink it. It is what it is.

plus 1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why wont it? I think you can explain bio mom couldnt take care of three.

+1. and add, loved her 3rd child enough to admit biomom couldn't take care of her and make sure that another family would give her all the love and support she deserved. Giving up a child isnt a failure if love, it is the most loving and selfless thing a parent can do in certain situations.

Children do not fall for this line of crap. She kept two and gave me away! Why? What is wrong with me? This is how a child thinks. Adults will understand but not a young child. Also, she will want to know her two siblings. This is a huge mess, OP. Tred carefully.

I have a cousin who adopted a child under similar for circumstances and it was very difficult.