Setting boundaries w/ MIL during pregnancy

[Anonymous]

My mother-in-law goes back and forth between being seemingly uninterested in me/the baby (our first, but not her first grandchild-- her reaction when we told her was "oh, that means you can't go on the cruise with us this spring.") and, more recently, being weirdly personal. She's started sending me information from the La Leche League about the importance of breastfeeding (I'm barely in my second trimester). I have sort of a distant relationship with her-- not a bad one, but not great either (I'm much closer with FIL and DH's siblings, who I really like). Any advice for setting clear boundaries about what I'm comfortable sharing/talking about/etc.? For context, she also got me lingerie for the co-ed, extended family wedding shower-- and held it up for everyone to see (it wasn't that risque, but still not something I would have wanted to share... I'm pretty private, and yes, somewhat of a prude when it comes to people I don't know well, like DH's aunts and uncles).

We're also going to have a similar battle about what she's allowed to share (or, not share) on social media-- last year she announced her daughter's miscarriage on Facebook (it was taken down, I'm sure at my SIL's request, but ... she clearly has no filter). Not sure if I should let the private messages about breastfeeding slide and keep my powder dry for other, bigger things... or if there is a good way to set boundaries that extend broadly through all aspects.

[Anonymous]

What does DH have to say about all of it? Is he good about handling her? That would be best.

I would recommend a proactive approach about what you think *will* work with her. Sure, you have a list of things you are afraid she will do, and you will need to set boundaries. But does DH, say, call her once a week? Can he establish some routines if he doesn't already and tell her something like "oh, x weeks means this for fetal development"...basically establish a regular pattern of him communicating about the baby so it is not all on you?

[Anonymous]

Don't respond to the links about breastfeeding and other topics you don't wish to discuss with her. If she brings them up in person, just say, "I'm confident that Jim and I will make the right decisions for our family with the advice of our doctors." Repeat, repeat, then ignore.

Don't make every little thing a battle. Nod and smile or blandly say "Thanks!" through what you can, so that when you DO have to set a clear boundary, you haven't lost your impact by fighting her on every little thing.

Make sure *you and your husband both* are on the same page about social media, etc. Have HIM tell her, in person AND over e-mail/text (so there's a record), "Nancy and I have decided that no one is to share our baby news until February 25 (or whenever one day after YOU make the public announcement will be)."

If a health concern or a loss arises (and I sincerely hope it doesn't!), then your husband can again convey, "We have some private family news to share, and it is NOT something we want shared publicly on Facebook or through word of mouth." Etc.

The MIL/DIL relationship is a tricky one. If you believe in your heart that she generally has good intentions but is just socially awkward, try to cut her a bit of slack. She won't react the way you want her to about everything. She'll say weird stuff. She'll give you weird presents. But if at the end of the day it's mostly harmless, and she has a decent heart and is a decent human being, just try to let it roll off your back.

Good luck, and congrats on your baby!

[Anonymous]

As for advice, just nod and smile and say, "That's interesting. I'll have to think about that." Repeat as often as necessary. Ignore emailed articles, etc., if you don't want to discuss the subject. Just let it roll off your back.

As for sharing news, if you know that she can't be trusted not to share, don't tell her anything that you're not okay with being public.

[Anonymous]

Good advice above.

And DON'T discuss sex of the baby/baby names with her if that's something you want to keep private. Don't give her any more information than you wish to discuss. So don't give her frequent medical updates that you wouldn't actually want to talk to her about. Keep in mind that anything you discuss might just be leaked to FB.

Really, don't discuss names with her unless you actually want her opinion. That's just setting you both up to fail, and it's not fair to her, either.

[Anonymous]

Don't discuss anything you don't want to.

Make your rules about social media clear from the beginning and have DH communicate them. Then monitor and hold your line.

We have a no Facebook rule for photos of our kids and it was really hard for both sets of grandparents to understand/comply at first, but now our oldest is almost 3 and it's a zero issue. They need to respect your boundaries, but make sure you are respectful and reasoned in your request.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't discuss anything you don't want to.

Make your rules about social media clear from the beginning and have DH communicate them. Then monitor and hold your line.

We have a no Facebook rule for photos of our kids and it was really hard for both sets of grandparents to understand/comply at first, but now our oldest is almost 3 and it's a zero issue. They need to respect your boundaries, but make sure you are respectful and reasoned in your request.

OP here-- really interested in your choice/experience, because that's where I'm leaning re: no social media (DH is less convinced on the total ban, even though he's in generally very supportive of how we handle his mom in other ways). Have you guys found another tool for sending photos/keeping grandparents involved in non-social media ways?

And thanks for all the other advice. MIL is a bit self-centered, sometimes socially clueless, and an over-sharer, but not a bad person. SIL is particularly good at managing her (reminding her to not spend BIL's wedding comparing it to my/DH's wedding, which was a little more extravagant, for example). I'll have tons of support from DH and the rest of the family when it comes to certain things with her (like the personal questions/unwanted advice), but maybe not others (like the social media ban).

[Anonymous]

OP, has she talked about visiting/staying with you before and/or after the birth. If not, you may want to discuss it with your husband, before she (and other relatives) make assumptions about visitations. My husband's family didn't wait to be invited (we didn't need or want the "help" right away), they made plans without asking us, which got rather ugly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't discuss anything you don't want to.

Make your rules about social media clear from the beginning and have DH communicate them. Then monitor and hold your line.

We have a no Facebook rule for photos of our kids and it was really hard for both sets of grandparents to understand/comply at first, but now our oldest is almost 3 and it's a zero issue. They need to respect your boundaries, but make sure you are respectful and reasoned in your request.

OP here-- really interested in your choice/experience, because that's where I'm leaning re: no social media (DH is less convinced on the total ban, even though he's in generally very supportive of how we handle his mom in other ways). Have you guys found another tool for sending photos/keeping grandparents involved in non-social media ways?

And thanks for all the other advice. MIL is a bit self-centered, sometimes socially clueless, and an over-sharer, but not a bad person. SIL is particularly good at managing her (reminding her to not spend BIL's wedding comparing it to my/DH's wedding, which was a little more extravagant, for example). I'll have tons of support from DH and the rest of the family when it comes to certain things with her (like the personal questions/unwanted advice), but maybe not others (like the social media ban).

SM banner here again - we just feel really uncomfortable with the level of exposure people give their kids online and worry about privacy policies, things staying on the internet FOREVER, etc., so it was easier to just say no photos online or social media rather than trying to set boundaries. We email and text a lot of photos and do lots of photo-related girfts instead.

[Anonymous]

I would bother trying to control her. People like her are uncontrollable. I would just nod and smile at anything she throws your way.

[Anonymous]

Agree with the advice to not sweat the small stuff so you can save it for the big stuff.

We also asked relatives not post info or photos about our kids on FB, etc. and so far it seems to be successful. It helps that my mom was on board to start with and my MIL is not on FB... We have used a Shutterfly share sites as a way to share pics and stories without feeling like we were constantly in people's faces with emails and texts. Ours is not password protected, but you can choose to require one.

[Anonymous]

Let little things like the breaatfeeding info roll off your back. Just say 'thanks, Donna' or whatever over and over even if you disagree. Unless it's something that could harm your child and she is going to be watching the baby, it's just not worth it.

For social media, that may be something your husband should bring up with them just before the baby is born and remind them if they are used to sharing pics of their other grandkids. We post some pics online and my MIL is very good about asking if she wants to post something, which she rarely does. I send her lots of pictures but am sure not to send anything that I would object to being posted - I don't send her naked bath pics, anything with our address, kids school, etc.

Most important is for your DH to be on the same page, and choose your battles.

[Anonymous]

Oh, good grief, she probably thought she was being helpful when she sent you the article and is is using this as a way of connecting. Why must everyone on this sight assume everything is nefarious and worthy of "boundary setting?" Sometime an email is just an email and nothing more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh, good grief, she probably thought she was being helpful when she sent you the article and is is using this as a way of connecting. Why must everyone on this sight assume everything is nefarious and worthy of "boundary setting?" Sometime an email is just an email and nothing more.

This was my first thought too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh, good grief, she probably thought she was being helpful when she sent you the article and is is using this as a way of connecting. Why must everyone on this sight assume everything is nefarious and worthy of "boundary setting?" Sometime an email is just an email and nothing more.

This was my first thought too.

True, but we don't know the full back story. Maybe MIL has already proven herself to be meddling/controlling. My MIL tried to run our wedding. So when the baby emails/links/advice started to pour in for baby, DH and I knew it wasn't "just an email" and got our communication plan together.