Setting boundaries w/ MIL during pregnancy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh, good grief, she probably thought she was being helpful when she sent you the article and is is using this as a way of connecting. Why must everyone on this sight assume everything is nefarious and worthy of "boundary setting?" Sometime an email is just an email and nothing more.

OP here-- thanks for writing this, it did cause me to really step back and think about why I had such a strong reaction, and I think it's two things- first, that in my family, no one would offer unsolicited advice about what you should or shouldn't do regarding something as personal as breastfeeding; my mom would be happy to give advice if asked, but her general assumption is that, given that I'm a highly analytical mid-30s professional, I will weigh all the pros and cons and come up with the answer that works for me-- and if I have questions along the way, will reach out to her. So I think there is just some normal this-isn't-what-I'm-used-to stuff that I probably SHOULD just deal with.

I think the reason that the breastfeeding piece bothered me though (and this could be pregnancy hormones, so... I know it may not be rational, but it's how I feel) is that my MIL at no point ever in our relationship has shown any interest in me as a person. When we planned the wedding she did not once ask me anything about my own dress, but repeatedly asked me to engage on hers. She refers to our house as "DH's" house and when they visit and we are all out together will tell waiters/etc. that they are in town visiting their son. Not son and DIL. I know each of these examples sound petty- but it's hard to describe the way she treats me as an afterthought. So when she started emailing about breastfeeding-- after never asking how I'm feeling, or how my pregnancy is going, or what I am planning for the nursery it just felt like once again she was only focusing on me as a source of food for the future grandchild- not as a person in my own right. Also, when it comes to the boundaries question- that's more because she won't listen to my requests (I made VERY few of her during our wedding planning and she ignored every one)- so if I said to my family "hey, I'm not really comfortable discussing breast feeding" they would totally let it drop. She would tell me it's not a big deal and would keep doing it. The same with social media thus far- just saying "I've decided to keep my pregnancy off Facebook" wasn't sufficient, so I had to explain that I am friends with clients who I don't want to share with yet, and SIL had to intervene as well to help emphasize. (DH helped me deliver the no social media about the pregnancy message by the way- so it wasn't just about not listening to me, it's a general unwillingness to listen to others).

[Anonymous]

I do not believe passive aggressive will work with your MIL, OP. I cannot imagine ever sending my daughter, let alone DIL, information of breastfeeding. Also , ignoring her will only make her worse. You draw the line in the sand now and tell her that you and only you will make such decisions about everything to do with breastfeeding.

If you do not stop her now, she will only get worse. Good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh, good grief, she probably thought she was being helpful when she sent you the article and is is using this as a way of connecting. Why must everyone on this sight assume everything is nefarious and worthy of "boundary setting?" Sometime an email is just an email and nothing more.

OP here-- thanks for writing this, it did cause me to really step back and think about why I had such a strong reaction, and I think it's two things- first, that in my family, no one would offer unsolicited advice about what you should or shouldn't do regarding something as personal as breastfeeding; my mom would be happy to give advice if asked, but her general assumption is that, given that I'm a highly analytical mid-30s professional, I will weigh all the pros and cons and come up with the answer that works for me-- and if I have questions along the way, will reach out to her. So I think there is just some normal this-isn't-what-I'm-used-to stuff that I probably SHOULD just deal with.

I think the reason that the breastfeeding piece bothered me though (and this could be pregnancy hormones, so... I know it may not be rational, but it's how I feel) is that my MIL at no point ever in our relationship has shown any interest in me as a person. When we planned the wedding she did not once ask me anything about my own dress, but repeatedly asked me to engage on hers. She refers to our house as "DH's" house and when they visit and we are all out together will tell waiters/etc. that they are in town visiting their son. Not son and DIL. I know each of these examples sound petty- but it's hard to describe the way she treats me as an afterthought. So when she started emailing about breastfeeding-- after never asking how I'm feeling, or how my pregnancy is going, or what I am planning for the nursery it just felt like once again she was only focusing on me as a source of food for the future grandchild- not as a person in my own right. Also, when it comes to the boundaries question- that's more because she won't listen to my requests (I made VERY few of her during our wedding planning and she ignored every one)- so if I said to my family "hey, I'm not really comfortable discussing breast feeding" they would totally let it drop. She would tell me it's not a big deal and would keep doing it. The same with social media thus far- just saying "I've decided to keep my pregnancy off Facebook" wasn't sufficient, so I had to explain that I am friends with clients who I don't want to share with yet, and SIL had to intervene as well to help emphasize. (DH helped me deliver the no social media about the pregnancy message by the way- so it wasn't just about not listening to me, it's a general unwillingness to listen to others).

You have made it clear on here you are stand offish. Betting it is more clear to her. I bet she is so worried about offending you she doesn't refer to you at all.

Frankly, you seem to keep bouncing back and forth between being offended at her possibly oversharing and not including you that I am sure she doesn't know what the heck you want.

[Anonymous]

I found myself getting really territorial with my MIL while I was pregnant. But I'm really glad I didn't act on it. It can really feel like you MUST get all expectations in line perfectly before the baby is born. I think it's a form of emotional nesting. But just remember your life doesn't stop when the baby is born and you can deal with some things as they come up. My MIL has dogs, several ill-trained dogs who I do not like. I had a very strong desire to announce to her that the dogs MUST be locked up when we are over, that the baby will never spend time without us at their house, and several other rules. I still feel strongly about being careful around the dogs. But she's actually surprised me by being more proactive than I expected about keeping the dogs and the baby apart. I didn't expect that all, since she normally isn't like that.

Just be careful you aren't blowing things out of proportion now. She very well might try to overstep after the baby is born. Gently correct and move on. Or better yet, have your DH gently correct. Don't get too caught up in rule setting while you are pregnant. Having the baby can change things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh, good grief, she probably thought she was being helpful when she sent you the article and is is using this as a way of connecting. Why must everyone on this sight assume everything is nefarious and worthy of "boundary setting?" Sometime an email is just an email and nothing more.

Look here, stay out of your DIL womb. She has a mom. Random advice is not needed.

[Anonymous]

She sounds a bit socially awkward but is trying to connect with you. Forwarding you articles from LLL is certainly not malicious - there are no boundaries to set there. You don't have to read the articles if you don't find them interesting. My dad, my husband, and my ILs all forward me articles regularly - I read maybe 10% of them. Just because it's not interesting to me doesn't mean it's offensive.

Just don't share any news with your MIL you wouldn't mind her posting on FB as well - or have your husband run interference, ie - he can give her a heads up that her FB announcement of the baby's birth shouldn't supersede yours. Maybe there's more to the story, but none of what you've shared indicates that massive boundaries need to be drawn.

[Anonymous]

Save the battles for the big stuff. Articles on breastfeeding are not the big stuff.

Adjust your privacy settings on Facebook so that you have to approve anything you are tagged in, just in case she doesn't follow your rules at first.

Deal with everything else as it comes up. Do not go nuclear on her now. That will solve nothing. Don't respond to things you don't want to discuss. If she asks just say "oh yes, I'm doing lots of reading about everything". Engage less, that will help.

[Anonymous]

Hate to have to say this, but OP think before you speak. Don't over share details of your own life. I have a similar MIL and I let her ramble on about her own life, but have learned to never, ever share very much with her about my life or my children.

I've had to establish clear boundaries early on; my MIL could not be in the delivery room or even waiting room when my babies were born (she's a nervous wreck on a good day), she could not accompany me to well child checkups, I will not discuss gynecological or birth or conception-related details - all things she's asked me about...

In the case of my MIL, anything I say is fodder for gossip on FB. I no longer have an account for this reason.

Sad because years later, my MIL knows nothing about me. Maybe my DH will drop a mention in a conversation, but she never asks a follow up question and can't wait to get back to her favorite subject:herself.

[Anonymous]

We're pregnant, but DH and I had long talks about this beforehand. I've tried everything to encourage him to talk to his family, set boundaries and expectations. They're wonderful people but are just often left out because DH doesn't tell them things or they expect differently.

My mom is ridiculously overbearing, but my sister and I have no qualms about telling her no. And her feelings don't get hurt. It's a good thing my mom didn't have a son, she'd be an awful MIL. DH has only to tell me what he wants my mom to do or not do and I pass the message on easily.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh, good grief, she probably thought she was being helpful when she sent you the article and is is using this as a way of connecting. Why must everyone on this sight assume everything is nefarious and worthy of "boundary setting?" Sometime an email is just an email and nothing more.

Look here, stay out of your DIL womb. She has a mom. Random advice is not needed.

Did you miss the part where op thanked the poster for this response?