Misplaced anger

[Anonymous]

I've seen several comments/threads where MILs and SILs blame the son's/brother's wife for family relationship/communication issues, such as:
-Lack of phone calls/contact
-Infrequent visits
-not being invited to kid milestone events like recitals and graduations
-Perceptions--real or imagined--that the wife's family gets "more of everything" than the husband's family.

My question is--isn't this anger/frustration/disappointment misplaced? Why are you not more upset with your son/brother? Why is it expected that the wife should do more for her husband's family, when she likely has her own family contacts to manage and plan?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've seen several comments/threads where MILs and SILs blame the son's/brother's wife for family relationship/communication issues, such as:
-Lack of phone calls/contact
-Infrequent visits
-not being invited to kid milestone events like recitals and graduations
-Perceptions--real or imagined--that the wife's family gets "more of everything" than the husband's family.

My question is--isn't this anger/frustration/disappointment misplaced? Why are you not more upset with your son/brother? Why is it expected that the wife should do more for her husband's family, when she likely has her own family contacts to manage and plan?

DW here: MIL/SILs, please answer this post because I want you to explain why you blame DWs when DH invariably reveals that MIL/SIL also hated every prior relationship he ever had.

So what gives?

[Anonymous]

I'm a SIL with 5 brothers.

All our family events are at my house, all events at their house only includes her family.

Recitals, etc we attend but never are invited to the celebration dinner, etc. I crash event occasionally.

I don't expect SIL to call or email. I ask my brothers why we are not invited and they say their wife does not want to be around our family.

My nieces and nephews are grown now so I just invite them to family events and leave my brothers and SIL out of it. So much fun. Love my nieces and nephews.

[Anonymous]

^^^^ one SIL makes sure to plan a dinner at a restaurant when they visit! she is awesome.

One SIL has social anxiety disorder but would have me over for birthdays when they were little, but that was usually just kids and me, no other adults, but beggars can't be choosers.

[Anonymous]

This isn't a phenomenon limited to MILs/SILs and the wife, this is a pretty universal phenomenon of people displacing blame onto people who can't hurt them as much. Kind of like how when someone learns their spouse has had an affair, they often disproportionately blame the other partner while forgiving their spouse. It's much easier emotionally to blame the outsider for having ruined a lovely family dynamic than to admit the person you love dearly (your child) just isn't that interested in a relationship with you, and that lovely family dynamic never existed.

[Anonymous]

My mother understood it this way: When she was growing up, it was the woman's responsibility to manage the family. What invariably happened was that they (DIL's, DD's) would always be sure to include their own bio families in "family events," but one was never sure about the IL family. Since it was HER responsibility, if one was snubbed one knew where to place the blame.

My DB's wife is just a bitch so I don't have to think much of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This isn't a phenomenon limited to MILs/SILs and the wife, this is a pretty universal phenomenon of people displacing blame onto people who can't hurt them as much. Kind of like how when someone learns their spouse has had an affair, they often disproportionately blame the other partner while forgiving their spouse. It's much easier emotionally to blame the outsider for having ruined a lovely family dynamic than to admit the person you love dearly (your child) just isn't that interested in a relationship with you, and that lovely family dynamic never existed.

You clearly don't understand affairs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This isn't a phenomenon limited to MILs/SILs and the wife, this is a pretty universal phenomenon of people displacing blame onto people who can't hurt them as much. Kind of like how when someone learns their spouse has had an affair, they often disproportionately blame the other partner while forgiving their spouse. It's much easier emotionally to blame the outsider for having ruined a lovely family dynamic than to admit the person you love dearly (your child) just isn't that interested in a relationship with you, and that lovely family dynamic never existed.

You clearly don't understand affairs.

My last sentence was intended to address OP's particular question, not the affair scenario. For that one, I would have framed it differently -- that for many people it is easier to blame the outside party than to confront some of the realities of what an affair says about your spouse and your marriage. Beyond that potential misunderstanding, I'm curious to know what you think I don't understand about affairs.

[Anonymous]

I am estranged from my brother and his wife. Of course my brother bears the brunt of the "blame," but I also invested time and energy towards getting to know, and helping out my SIL. The fact that she has never reached out to me, despite the many times I had before the estrangement, stings in a way that is separate from my brother. And I certainly have my gripes about him and his own behavior/actions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
My mother understood it this way: When she was growing up, it was the woman's responsibility to manage the family. What invariably happened was that they (DIL's, DD's) would always be sure to include their own bio families in "family events," but one was never sure about the IL family. Since it was HER responsibility, if one was snubbed one knew where to place the blame.

My DB's wife is just a bitch so I don't have to think much of it.

See? This is what I mean! PP, you don't have a problem with "DB's wife," You have a problem with your brother. Own it and talk to him yourself like a grownup.

It's not 1955. It's 2015. Your mom grew up when? The 1940s? That's 70 years ago? Now we all theoretically have enough self-awareness to talk to each other rather than letting our parent's expectations (pre-computers, pre-cell phones, pre-internet, pre-social media) dominate our thinking in any arena other than marital family life.

If that didn't occur to you about your DB and his DW until now, PP, you now have no excuse but to bring it up with your brother directly.

Something tells me your in for an awakening.

[Anonymous]

I blame my son for any and all animosity my DIL has shown me. Now I no longer speak to him. He's pussy whipped.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This isn't a phenomenon limited to MILs/SILs and the wife, this is a pretty universal phenomenon of people displacing blame onto people who can't hurt them as much. Kind of like how when someone learns their spouse has had an affair, they often disproportionately blame the other partner while forgiving their spouse. It's much easier emotionally to blame the outsider for having ruined a lovely family dynamic than to admit the person you love dearly (your child) just isn't that interested in a relationship with you, and that lovely family dynamic never existed.

You clearly don't understand affairs.

My last sentence was intended to address OP's particular question, not the affair scenario. For that one, I would have framed it differently -- that for many people it is easier to blame the outside party than to confront some of the realities of what an affair says about your spouse and your marriage. Beyond that potential misunderstanding, I'm curious to know what you think I don't understand about affairs.

First, I know my brothers and my SIL's so it is possible for me to not like things my SIL does separate from disliking what my brother does. A SIL is not exactly an "outside" party.

Statistics show that affairs happen in loving relationships, so the assumption a "loving family dynamic" does not exist is just what OW wants to believe. Rarely do people only blame the AP, a forgiven partner normally bears most of the blame and contrition for such an act is quite severe and intense, sure both parties have some blame, but the belief the OW is blamed more is also just in the heads of the OW.

Often, though, after a divorce it is common for the "brother" in these scenarios realize how much of their family they gave up and how unhealthy it was. If a man kept his wife from her family through manipulation it would be considered abusive but when women do it to men, men are just considered wimps.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for the responses. It seems like direct communication with the brother/son just isn't happening in many cases.

For those who have tried with no success, I truly feel bad for you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I blame my son for any and all animosity my DIL has shown me. Now I no longer speak to him. He's pussy whipped.

But you seem like such a lovely woman. Why on Earth would they want to avoid you?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the responses. It seems like direct communication with the brother/son just isn't happening in many cases.

For those who have tried with no success, I truly feel bad for you!

Just to clarify, I do talk to my brothers. They just tell me we are not invited and they don't want to cause waves.