would this annoy you?

[Anonymous]

Regardless of any advice here, I'm not going to say anything. I just want a reality check about whether I'm justified in being annoyed.

In September, my in-laws, who are from California, were invited to a wedding in New York in January. They asked us if we wanted to meet them there. Even though January isn't a great time to go to New York with kids, we said yes in order to see them. I then booked a non-refundable air bnb apartment.

In the beginning of November, my FIL had a heart attack, despite being in great shape. He's made a full recovery -- cardiologist says his heart looks great, he's cleared for all activities unless they involve submersion in water (so no baths or swimming) and he walks two miles a day. Nevertheless, they have cancelled their trip to New York because it's "too far" to go so "soon" after a heart attack.

Is this normal? It's hard for me to give them the benefit of the doubt because it's not the first time they've cancelled trips to the east coast because of the distance. We go to them three times a year.

[Anonymous]

I do think it's normal. After my dad's heart attack, it took him a very long time to get back to full energy levels. (Of course, it depends on if there was surgery, what exactly was involved). But there was also a lot of emotional fallout about aging, mortality, lots of anxiety, the challenges of caregiving. Don't underestimate the emotional aspect of a health scare. They are probably putting on a brave and happy face for the family, but these things can be very tough to cope with emotionally. Also he might be nervous about having a heart attack on the plane.

These things tend to crystallize people's priorities. Maybe they never really wanted to go to the wedding, and health scares often make people less inclined to do things they don't actually want to do.

[Anonymous]

I do think they should pick up your non-refundable expenses, though.

[Anonymous]

I can see why you feel the way you feel about this, but you have to give the benefit of the doubt when it comes to health. Recovery is not just about "the doctor says," it's about "the patient feels."

Enjoy your time in NYC as best you can.

Sounds like you should never book "nonrefundable" anything with these folks in the future!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do think they should pick up your non-refundable expenses, though.

Are you kidding?! Definitely normal reaction. But you can still travel to New York.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I think it's normal. I can understand not wanting to be that far away from his Dr. for a while. It would be nice if they offered to cover some of your lost expenses though.

[Anonymous]

Of course it's reasonable. He's scared. He had a heart attack. It could have killed him. That's very real. He's scared to be stuck in an airplane for five hours, he's scared to be away from his doctors and hospital that he trusts. He's scared.

Stop booking non-refundable things. That's your first step.Especially stop booking them when they somehow involve your in laws, since they've proven unreliable for whatever reasons.

Do some research on the psychology of seniors. It will help you feel more compassion for them in your heart. Seriously. You will understand that oldies want to use all their free time and travel and see family and have all these grand ideas, and yet ... as you get old you get more comfortable with your routines. You are flustered in new places. You worry about so much more than you used to. Thoughts of mortality keep you awake at night. Seriously - read some books on the psychology of old people.

[Anonymous]

OP, bear in mind that they may be putting a positive spin on things and the reality may be that they're not quite able to make the trip. Older people sometimes do that because they don't want to worry their families, or they fear loss of independence. Tread carefully, respect their choices, and preserve your access to information.

And +1 on not booking non-refundable stuff. You already know they're unreliable.

[Anonymous]

It's totally normal and I would not be annoyed at all. Jeez. Your FIL just had a heart attack a month ago! Totally understandable that they don't want to take a cross-country trip to a wedding next month.

Eat the deposit with thanks that your FIL is okay and that you can afford to visit them later in the year.

[Anonymous]

Op, he almost died. Even if their reasons are purely emotional, OMG Op, totally reasonable. They have been greatly affected by this. It has probably rattled them to their very core.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, he almost died. Even if their reasons are purely emotional, OMG Op, totally reasonable. They have been greatly affected by this. It has probably rattled them to their very core.

Exactly this. There doesn't have to be logic tied to it. Especially since they obviously don't like to travel in the first place! If the amount you travel to them is too much, address it separately by cutting down.

[Anonymous]

No it wouldn't and honestly it's a little appalling that you are annoyed about it!

[Anonymous]

You are not being reasonable. I would not want him traveling so soon. Forget it. Ask the BNB to see if they can rebook and give you a partial refund if they rebook and move on.

[Anonymous]

Dude! Yeah, no way would I be upset. It is completely understandable.

Enjoy NY. Send the ILs a nice postcard with well-wishes.

[What would you even imagine yourself saying?]

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, bear in mind that they may be putting a positive spin on things and the reality may be that they're not quite able to make the trip. Older people sometimes do that because they don't want to worry their families, or they fear loss of independence. Tread carefully, respect their choices, and preserve your access to information.

And +1 on not booking non-refundable stuff. You already know they're unreliable.

'
Re-read that bold statement, please, OP. The above is a very wise post. They may be putting a spin on this. And even if they're not -- even if things are medically peachy keen -- they've been given a profound scare. As another PP said, too, what matters more than what the doctor says is how the patient feels, and that includes feelings of fear, not just physical feelings. Give them the benefit of the doubt here. Would you really want to travel cross-country two months after a major health event if you were still reeling mentally, even if you weren't reeling physically?

And they are not at all responsible for your non-refundable expenses. That's the deal you made, not a deal they made for you, and you made it (pre-heart attack) knowing they don't always follow through on travel plans, so it's on you. Go and enjoy New York. And please, never bring up the cancelled trip or the expenses to them.

The post indicates at the end that you seem to resent them for canceling previous trips. You don't seem to see any real difference between this cancellation and previous times they've cancelled. But there is a big difference here that you might see if you're willing to put yourself in their shoes and think about how you or your spouse might feel in the same circumstances.