Ex-boyfriend told me I'm not meant to live with anyone

[Anonymous]

My longterm BF and I broke up recently. Prior to cohabitation, we got along pretty well. Everything fell apart when we moved in together 2 years ago.
It wasn't all him and it wasn't all me. He has some serious anger issues and I am quite anxious.
He's a yeller and I cry often. He's tough and I'm sensitive. I'm very sensitive to the moods and energy of other people. It affects me quite strongly.
I got so tired of putting up with his anger and lack of communication that I started fighting back. That was the end.
He recently told me that neither of us are meant to live with other people.
This really upset me, as I want to have another relationship and don't appreciate having that doubt planted in my head.
I'm currently seeking therapy to deal with the fallout from my breakup. I want to learn to be a healthier person. While I plan to be single for a while, I wonder if it is possible to have a healthy relationship after leaving a bad one?
My ex has made me feel like I'm a monster who is incapable of having a happy, functional relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He recently told me that neither of us are meant to live with other people.

That's him talking about him. Anything he says about you is suspect--after all, you just broke up! He's not the best judge of the gifts you offer the world!

That said, I wonder if you are treating your anxiety. The fact that his comment made you mistrust yourself, rather than being mad at him, makes me think that you could use some help dealing with your break-up and with your anxiety in general.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

This is silly. Your ex was abusive, of course no one could live with him. You'll be happy with a stable nice man.

[Anonymous]

It's not entirely his fault, although he sounds abusive and therefore you're well rid of him. It's also your anxiety. I say this as a supremely anxious person, who had low self-esteem, developed panic attacks, PPD after the birth of DC1, and nearly wrecked my marriage with my hypersensitivity.

You CAN have a healthy relationship, particularly if you can learn how to keep your anxiety under control and have strategies when it's triggered. You should choose someone who can weather your anxiety with equanimity and patience, not anger. Not necessarily someone who understands you (because then he could be anxious himself, and you really don't want that genetic burden on your kids), but someone who is mature enough to know that your good points wouldn't exist without your bad points - they're just two facets of your personality.

Ex: I'm the perfect listener, a perfectionist in my work and get along great with everyone, because I'm anxious to please and do my best. I wouldn't be this way if I didn't have this chronic anxiety, that I can harness most days, but which make me go off track other days. See?

Take all setbacks as teaching moments, OP. The saying "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" is particularly true for us hothouse flowers!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
It's not entirely his fault, although he sounds abusive and therefore you're well rid of him. It's also your anxiety. I say this as a supremely anxious person, who had low self-esteem, developed panic attacks, PPD after the birth of DC1, and nearly wrecked my marriage with my hypersensitivity.

You CAN have a healthy relationship, particularly if you can learn how to keep your anxiety under control and have strategies when it's triggered. You should choose someone who can weather your anxiety with equanimity and patience, not anger. Not necessarily someone who understands you (because then he could be anxious himself, and you really don't want that genetic burden on your kids), but someone who is mature enough to know that your good points wouldn't exist without your bad points - they're just two facets of your personality.

Ex: I'm the perfect listener, a perfectionist in my work and get along great with everyone, because I'm anxious to please and do my best. I wouldn't be this way if I didn't have this chronic anxiety, that I can harness most days, but which make me go off track other days. See?

Take all setbacks as teaching moments, OP. The saying "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" is particularly true for us hothouse flowers!

OP here. Thank you for this! My anxiety got a lot worse living with someone who could fly off the handle and had zero qualms about criticizing me.
My self-esteem took a huge nosedive and the anxiety flourished. How did you handle the hypersensitivity. I find that to be my greatest hurdle in my day-to-day life. I read into everything and it drives me (and others) crazy. I see a therapist regularly in order to resolve this. It's just nice to get some words of wisdom and encouragement from someone who understands what I'm dealing with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
It's not entirely his fault, although he sounds abusive and therefore you're well rid of him. It's also your anxiety. I say this as a supremely anxious person, who had low self-esteem, developed panic attacks, PPD after the birth of DC1, and nearly wrecked my marriage with my hypersensitivity.

You CAN have a healthy relationship, particularly if you can learn how to keep your anxiety under control and have strategies when it's triggered. You should choose someone who can weather your anxiety with equanimity and patience, not anger. Not necessarily someone who understands you (because then he could be anxious himself, and you really don't want that genetic burden on your kids), but someone who is mature enough to know that your good points wouldn't exist without your bad points - they're just two facets of your personality.

Ex: I'm the perfect listener, a perfectionist in my work and get along great with everyone, because I'm anxious to please and do my best. I wouldn't be this way if I didn't have this chronic anxiety, that I can harness most days, but which make me go off track other days. See?

Take all setbacks as teaching moments, OP. The saying "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" is particularly true for us hothouse flowers!

OP here. Thank you for this! My anxiety got a lot worse living with someone who could fly off the handle and had zero qualms about criticizing me.
My self-esteem took a huge nosedive and the anxiety flourished. How did you handle the hypersensitivity. I find that to be my greatest hurdle in my day-to-day life. I read into everything and it drives me (and others) crazy. I see a therapist regularly in order to resolve this. It's just nice to get some words of wisdom and encouragement from someone who understands what I'm dealing with.

I learned to deal with the hypersensitivity by:
1. Going through tough situations, such as having a child with special needs who needed intensive therapies, fighting with and nearly divorcing my husband, and dealing with job loss and nearly losing our house. When you're faced with that stuff, you stop navel-gazing. It's called perspective.
2. Aging. I'm tired of analyzing and self-critiquing every word after the fact, and replaying and agonizing over whole conversations and email exchanges. When I catch myself doing it, I let myself indulge for 5 minutes, then I force myself to think about something else.
3. My husband, who used to yell but has stopped (it was our deal - he deals with his anger and I deal with my anxiety), warns me: "Heads-up, this is the anxiety talking!", and sets me straight. We have BOTH come a long way!

The one problem I still have is waking up in panic at 3 am. There is nothing to do at 3am that won't turn me into a sleepy mess come 7am! So I can't really distract myself from my own thoughts, except to repeat mantras and do yoga, which really doesn't work. Usually I end up reading all night (which I love - it's a therapeutic escape) and then walk around in a daze the next day.

[Anonymous]

He's saying that to hurt you! He knows he can mess with your head. He wants you to doubt yourself and be self-conscious. He wants you to be alone and pine after him. He's so abusive. Lord! Repeat after me "He's an asshole and a liar" continue with "I'm Okay".
You'll be fine now that you don't have deal with his shit. Fuck him. Let him go to hell. I hate men like him.

[Anonymous]

Now you know what you don't want. Keep looking until you find a man who treats you like a queen. My ex-bf told me the same thing. Guess who is divorced and who has been happily married for 27 years?

[Anonymous]

Haven't read all the replies, but please cut off all communication with him. No good can come from it. None. You'll only end up hurting each other further.
If you aren't already talk to a therapist, and take some time before your next relationship.
Tonight do something to pamper yourself, cup of tea or hot chocolate, a warm bath, curl up with a nice book or relaxing music, and put him out of your mind for the evening.

[Anonymous]

Many delightful people on this thread!

OP, you're processing the break up. He said mean things and you're afraid they're true. I empathize with that.

The thing is, this mean thing is within your control. It starts with choosing a partner who isn't an asshole. The person you spend your life with won't be a person who makes you anxious as a matter of sport. It is always an adjustment integrating your life with someone else, but when it's time for you to do that, it won't be like this.

And ignore these other assholes.

[Anonymous]

Unless your ex is some sort of psychic who can predict the future I wouldn't stress over his opinion.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I'm certainly not trying to avoid my responsibility in the relationship. I'm trying to figure out how I contributed to the demise so I can avoid it in the future.
While I don't necessarily believe that yelling isn't emotionally abusive, what was said to me during the yelling certainly was. He has also chased me through our house, got so close to my face that I was forced up against a wall and told me that I'm lucky that he puts up with me because nobody else will. That has happened several times.
His doctor suggested that he has PTSD earlier in the year.
I tried to get him to seek treatment for it, but he refused.

[Anonymous]

OP I am sorry you're going through this, its horrible and its a grieving process like any other loss.

Ignore the asshole who is on your thread. They don't understand that there is a human being at the end of it, receiving their nastiness. Also I'm going to report to Jeff and see if he can delete that stuff.

It takes time, what he said to you was horrible and one of those thoughtless angry things people say in crisis.

He was not for you. There are kinder men and I am sure you will find one in time.

[Anonymous]

Don't worry about it too much, OP. My ex boyfriend told me I wasn't "wife material." But I've been happily married 11 years now, obviously to someone else. You and your ex weren't a good match. But that doesn't mean you won't fit together well with someone else.

Of course look at what you may have done wrong in the relationship. However, from someone who's been there done that, I suggest looking more closely at WHO you pick as a partner. I kept picking unhealthy people...so the obvious question was why? And what can I do about it? I stayed single for two years before dating again, and then looked solely at men who were emotionally available, had marriage in mind if things worked, and were genuinely kind. That's what I kept in mind. Not looks, or money, or whether Mom and Dad would approve. Just my goals. And it worked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And stop deleting shit just because people arent saying what op wants to hear. So annoying.

The thread will survive the lack of "derp derp you should have married him first" comments.