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egg donor- relative wants me to be an egg donor and i have mixed feelings
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Anonymous
| i have a close relative whom i love dearly who wants me to be an egg donor for her. i am not comfortable with it for a number of reasons but mainly b/c i will feel like i am giving away my baby in a sense. i am not looking for opinions on whether or not i should do it, but rather looking for advice on how to explain to her my feelings. i tried once but she basically responded that i would just have to let my love for her help me overcome my concerns. i think it would be really hard if the baby comes out looking like me (as my children do) and to always be thinking that is my baby. i know some people don't view it that way but i do. any advice would be helpful. also, i am not sure i am finished having children as well and not sure how this would all fit into that. |
Anonymous
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Wow, I find your relative's pressure astoundingly out of line. You shouldn't have to even justify your reasoning to her. But, since she is having a hard time taking no for an answer...
Can you tell her you are concerned about any health risks to you of the procedure? I don't know much about egg donation-- so please anyone correct me-- but doesn't it require you to take hormone treatments in order to produce the extra eggs? What are the risks of that? Is estrogen-receptor sensitive breast cancer a bigger risk? I don't know the answer to this (although I think there may be so controversy about it), but certainly as a mother, your own first responsibility is to stay alive and healthy for the sake of your own children. Alternatively, could you have your husband take the responsibility: "You know I love you and would do anything for you, but my husband worries about my health if I do this and there's just no talking sense into him." Just some thoughts. |
Anonymous
| I think honesty is the only answer here. I don't think you should make up reasons. I think your real concerns are reasonable and probably the most believable ones. I think you should tell her how much you love her, but it would just be too difficult for you for her to give birth to a child from your egg. I can't believe no one would understand that. There are other places she can get eggs. |
Anonymous
op here. thank you for your responses. well, she is my sister and she wants to have genes from my parents and i am the only one that is able to do this for her. that is the tricky part. she is putting a lot of pressure and guilt on me. i feel guilty and want to do it for her but i just know me and how i am and i think it would just be so hard to know that that is my child. she hints that i am being selfish. i'm really not. i would do anything else for her. |
Anonymous
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I understand your feelings and the feelings of your relative.
It is so hard to convey the depth of the pain of not being able to conceive a child - so I can understand the drive that is pushing her to be forthright in her desires. However, now that I am a birth mother to a child from my own egg, I can also understand where you are coming from. I do not know that I would be able to be an egg donor having now felt the connection to my child unlike any I knew existed before. But, I am also someone who used a sperm donor (from a sperm bank - lesbian mother) - and I cannot even begin to express how grateful I am to this young man who donated his sperm. I know that he was likely young and did it primarily for the easy money, but the gift of parenthood to someone who otherwise cannot achieve it is enormous and pure. It's all very complicated and very personal. Good luck with your efforts to explain your feelings and please be gentle with your relative - she no doubt feels desperate and is in great pain. |
Anonymous
| The fact that she's your sister is the reason I think only the truth will work. I would to anything for my brother, even if it put my health at risk. But give him "my" child, I don't think I would do. It would be too difficult. What if s/he looked like me? What if I didn't agree with how s/he was being raised? What if they moved away? So if you truly view this as "your" child, which is understandable, even if you don't agree, then it would be an unhealthy relationship. Lot's of people are able to do it view it differently. But if you're not, then you're not. As your sister, she should understand that. But if she doesn't, there isn't much you can do about it. And I don't think any other reason you give her is going to be compelling. The other plausible reasons pale in comparison, in my opinion. |
Anonymous
op here. thanks again. the thing is that i am the only one that can do it b/c of my age. other relatives who are all too old to donate are all saying "oh i'd give you one of mine," etc... and making me look and feel really badly about it. i don't know if they really would if they could but they are all saying it and it just puts more pressure on me. she thinks i have something that she could really use and that i won't give it to her. it is such a strange situation to be in. has anyone out there done this for a relative or friend? am i alone in my feelings of being so tied to my egg? |
Anonymous
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I think that you just have to be honest, but firm. Reaffirm that you love her. Explain your reasons gently. Tell her you understand that she is upset. Restate to her that your answer is not going to change.
She's going to react how she's going to react. there's nothing you can do about that but deal at the time and continue to be with her. She's asking a lot of you. It is not fair to put a lot of pressure on you. And, there may come a point where you have to tell her that, also. As far as being "tied" to your eggs . . . that is a very personal feeling and decision. No one faults you-or should anyway- for feeling that way. |
Anonymous
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What a tough situation. I feel for you, and for your sister.
If you really are unsure, what if you tell your sister that you need some time to think about this free of pressure. Ask her not to bring it up until time X (maybe 2 weeks?) I would say "no" to anything someone asked me if I felt pressured or guilty. I know my SIL has donated eggs to a sister of hers (unsuccessfully), but I don't know if I could truly say "goodbye" to an egg/child of mine and then treat it like it belonged to another. I think it might be easier if I truly respected the life choices of my sister (do you?) than if it were my actual sister (who is raising children as materialistic as she). Complicated. |
Anonymous
| Honestly, the decision for me would also depend on whether or not I thought my sister would be a good mother. |
Anonymous
op here. i think she would be a wonderful mom. it is not that. it is just that we are a close family and it would be hard to see "my" child b/c i would view it as that and pretend that it wasn't. i think it would not be healthy for either of us to be honest. anyway, i must run. thanks for the input. i'll check back later to see the responses. |
Anonymous
| This is a very delicate situation and I totally understand your side and her side. However, I don't think anyone should ever accept to do something like this unless they are 100% comfortable with it. It's a BIG decision-one that you will have to live with all your life if it's not something you are uncomfortable with. In my opinion, I don't object to your sister asking you but I think it's very selfish of her not to understand how you feel. At this point, I really think she would be better off with a donor egg. At some point, peopel have to compromise and accept a situation they are in. I know that sounds harsh but making your relative feel guilty is not emotionally acceptable in my book. |
Anonymous
| Don't budge. Tell her that she had better start looking for an alternative plan. |
Anonymous
| I'm so sorry for you in this situation. Reading your post and the responses, I just couldn't see how you can ever make it a win win with everyone feeling the way they do. I feel most for you, though. No one should be pressured to do what you are being asked to do and it sounds like pressure is both direct from your sister and subtle from your relatives. FWIW, I'm not sure that I could do what you are being asked to do either. No advice, just hoping for something to work out for you and your family. |
Anonymous
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I anonymously donated eggs during college and law school and can tell you that it is not as simple as some people think. There really is a lot involved with the process and maybe your sister doesn't realize that and that can be an additional reason to give her why you can't do donate. There are daily hormone shots. You cannot have sex with your husband unless you are willing to risk becoming pregnant with multiples. And like any other medical procedure, the extraction carries risks. You also have to have anesthesia which carries it own risks. Also, the very long term risks of donation are unknown at this point.
Do you know if your sister has considered an anonymous donor? The amount of information I had to provide before I could even be considered as a donor was astounding. One of the places even had me undergo genetic testing. Another required pictures of me and my family. With anonymous donation your sister could still try and find a donor that is similar to her in the ways she finds most important. Even if you had the slightest doubts, I would advise you against donation. Be firm, but gentle, with your sister. Good luck. |