egg donor- relative wants me to be an egg donor and i have mixed feelings

[Anonymous]

Ditto what the PP's are saying. I always told my sister (who is 44 now and still not married or close to it) I would carry her baby if she even needed me to. But I could not be an egg donor for her, or anyone else. Now, if we were up to the cloning stage, I could certainly provide the "shell" egg and put her DNA in it, but alas, we're not.

I feel the same way you do - - that would be your child, you would have to play the role of aunt, and it would be heartbreaking for you. I'm sorry your family can't understand that - - it certainly makes you look like the villain. In reality, this egg donor scenario can only be a win lose proposition. Her heartbreak or yours. But she has other solutions, which should include donor eggs (from a 3rd party). I would just try to make it clear now this is a no-go and encourage her to explore other options. I really feel for you.

[Anonymous]

If the situations were reversed, would you feel the same way? I agree it would be hard, but she is your sister and if you could help her, that would be an amazing gift.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If the situations were reversed, would you feel the same way? I agree it would be hard, but she is your sister and if you could help her, that would be an amazing gift.

The OP specifically said she wasn't asking for opinions on whether she should do it or not. Just for advice on how to explain her position. She doesn't need one more person trying to make her feel guilty. She explained how she felt about her eggs. Would you give one of your children to your sister as an amazing gift? Not everyone has to agree with her about the status of her eggs, but her feelings and decision should be respected. It is her body; they are her eggs.

[Anonymous]

To the OP - you have answered your own question - listen to your heart. Don't feel guilty - stick to your guns. I am sorry for your sister - but you have to be true to yourself. Good Luck.

[Anonymous]

You have my sympathy. Your sister has put you in a terrible position. I think you need to reiterate to her that you love her, but that this is one thing you cannot do for her. Basically you will always feel a link to that child and feel like it is your own -- which in many ways it would be. Ask her how she would feel if the tables would turned and she gave you an egg. How would it make her feel everytime she saw you and the child together and the child called you "mommy" or you made a parenting choice that she did not agree with? How would both of you feel if the child has severe health issues -- would she blame you as the donor? What if she has a miscarriage? How would she feel giving birth to a child that looked a lot like you, but not like her? The fundamental issue is that this is destroying your relationship as sisters. Is she willing to lose you as a sister just to gain a child that is genetically related?

As for the other relatives who say they would give an egg if they could. They are just being insensitive. It is easy to say that you would do something when you know that you'd never really be called on to do such a thing. Think of how many people swear they would do all these wonderful things to change the world if they won lottery, but how many lottery winners actually do so?

Ask your sister what is the most important thing to her -- becoming a parent, being pregnant, or being pregnant with her own biological child? I am one of three girls and two of us had fertility issues. My older sister decided not to go the IVF route and instead immediately chose adoption. My husband and I decided on the IVF route, but after a few unsuccessful attempts we started investigating adoption. For us, the most important thing was that we wanted to be parents. In our family there is a mix of adopted and biological children. Neither is loved more or less. You fall in love with your child because they are beautiful human beings who you are responsible for, you don't love them for where they come from.

You can offer help to your sister in other ways. Tell her you will help her find a suitable egg donor from a list of people who have already agreed to donate eggs. Offer to be there if she needs when they do the embryo transfer. If she choses adoption, you can help her do research.

Finally, for some of the other posters. A gift is something given and it should not requested or coerced. I know it sounds a little weird, but my mother always gave us this piece of advice when growing up -- don't make loans to or legal agreements with people you love. Basically what she was saying was -- you can help each other out in your own way, but if you cross certain boundaries, you may be putting your relationship at stake.

To the OP -- best of luck to you! You sound like a very thoughtful person.

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry you have to be in that tough situation. I understand your reservation and your sister's pain. I hope it works out in the end and she can find someone to help her and she understands your point of view. Stay strong and be honest with her. She is probably putting pressure on you out of her own pain.

[Anonymous]

How old are the "too old" relatives? Just curious -- I had a baby at 42 with no problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old are the "too old" relatives? Just curious -- I had a baby at 42 with no problems.

40 and 38 but her doc won't do it with that old. i'm actually not that much younger.

[Anonymous]

There's a difference between having your own children at that age and trying to use eggs from someone that age. Most doctors aren't going to view those eggs as eligible.

[Anonymous]

I know, I know, you didn't ask for opinions but here is another perspective. After 2 years of fertility treatments, I am currently pregnant from an anonymous egg donor. I had a couple of friends offer their eggs and I declined because it be too weird to have them genetically linked to my husband. I really would have loved the opportunity to have a family member donate but my cousins have some serious addiction issues on their mom's side of the family (if there is a gene, then that side of the family has it) and I didn't want to risk it.I toyed with the idea of asking for a long time - even if they had agreed, they live far away so the day-to day weirdness would be limited.It would have been so great to have this baby be genetically related to my mom and grandmother but it just wasn't to be.

In the end we searched for a donor who has the same hair and eye color as my DH and I. I'm sure it will be strange when people ask if the baby looks like me or my husband but other than that I'm hopeful that the genetic source become unimportant very quickly.

I can understand the desire to have that genetic link and while I understand your hesitation it would be an incredible gift.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

You are aware that you are basically telling your sister that genes do not matter for her. Therefore why would she want to have a relationship with you since the only thing that binds you is genetics.

You do understand that the bible even talks about traditional surrogacy so that you do not leave your siblings barren.

You do not have to do shots anymore since IVM - which has been perfected at McGill in Canada can extract eggs and mature them in vitro without hormones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:i have a close relative whom i love dearly who wants me to be an egg donor for her. i am not comfortable with it for a number of reasons but mainly b/c i will feel like i am giving away my baby in a sense. i am not looking for opinions on whether or not i should do it, but rather looking for advice on how to explain to her my feelings. i tried once but she basically responded that i would just have to let my love for her help me overcome my concerns. i think it would be really hard if the baby comes out looking like me (as my children do) and to always be thinking that is my baby. i know some people don't view it that way but i do. any advice would be helpful. also, i am not sure i am finished having children as well and not sure how this would all fit into that.

Then you should reply that she (your sister) should have enough love for you to understand respect your decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are aware that you are basically telling your sister that genes do not matter for her. Therefore why would she want to have a relationship with you since the only thing that binds you is genetics.

You do understand that the bible even talks about traditional surrogacy so that you do not leave your siblings barren.

You do not have to do shots anymore since IVM - which has been perfected at McGill in Canada can extract eggs and mature them in vitro without hormones.

?? what does your bible have do do here?? you are judgmental and as far as I know your bible doesn't like that either...

[Anonymous]

This is unimaginably hard. I feel the same way you do about my eggs, OP. But I think I would do this for my sister. Yes there are health risks but no more than donating a kidney and I'd do that for her as well. But I have a very special relationship with my sister (not so great childhood, both parents gone, few close relatives) and I feel her pain like it was my own. I would absolutely to raise "my" child and in fact she will be raising my children if anything ever happens to DH and me. You have to search your souls and figure out what's best for you, but are you sure your relationship with your sister will withstand your saying no?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know, I know, you didn't ask for opinions but here is another perspective. After 2 years of fertility treatments, I am currently pregnant from an anonymous egg donor. I had a couple of friends offer their eggs and I declined because it be too weird to have them genetically linked to my husband. I really would have loved the opportunity to have a family member donate but my cousins have some serious addiction issues on their mom's side of the family (if there is a gene, then that side of the family has it) and I didn't want to risk it.I toyed with the idea of asking for a long time - even if they had agreed, they live far away so the day-to day weirdness would be limited.It would have been so great to have this baby be genetically related to my mom and grandmother but it just wasn't to be.

In the end we searched for a donor who has the same hair and eye color as my DH and I. I'm sure it will be strange when people ask if the baby looks like me or my husband but other than that I'm hopeful that the genetic source become unimportant very quickly.

I can understand the desire to have that genetic link and while I understand your hesitation it would be an incredible gift.

Good luck!

How rude. This is worse than unsolicited advice. OP said she didn't want input on this issue, but you just had to pressure her, didn't you? She didn't express "hesitation" - she said she doesn't want to do it. Gad. And what's with the insincere "Good luck!" at the end of your post? You didn't even answer her question.

OP, I think that the pressure your sister is putting on you is really unreasonable. I'm sure that she is in such a tough emotional place right now that she doesn't realize what this is doing to you. Obviously you two are close, or you wouldn't be having these conversations with her. I agree with others that you should be firm in your feelings on this issue and try to tell her in a way that makes her see that you understand where she is coming from, and ask her to try to see the situation from your perspective. But if you feel strongly about this, don't budge from your decision. It's too important of a moral issue to compromise your feelings.