How to re-kindle attraction to husband

[Anonymous]

I want to desire my husband. It has been years since I felt that way toward him. I love him, but in a way that is more like a partnership or friendship but not sexual. This didn't bother me for a long time. I just thought of myself as a low drive person. Then, boom, I got a huge crush on someone and have a very strong desire for him. I forgot what it felt like. It is both great to feel so alive and terrible because it is the wrong person.

I would much rather desire my husband. I have zero intention of destroying my marriage or having an affair. However, the thought that I will never feel this way toward the man that I am committed to is hard. I wish that I could get rid of my feelings towards this other (single) person. It is making me crazy. I don't want to feel this way any more. It has been about 2-3 months. Jesus, no one ever told me that life could be like this.

[Anonymous]

Why do you think you don't desire him? Did he let himself go? Is it his personality?

[Anonymous]

Good question. Is it you? Or him?

I mean, have you actually had sex with this "other person"? No. It's all in your head.

If you need your husband to do something new, different, or whatever to turn you on, tell him. The best solution for many marriage issues is, I think, communication.

[Anonymous]

It is very common for people, but especially for women, to lose attraction to their partners in long term relationship. And just as you've stated, this loss of desire is specific to your actual spouse, because you are attracted to a potential new person.

I would suggest doing some research on this topic, like you are doing here, and you will learn this is not at all unusual, but is probably more the norm. One approach to this seemingly lost cause is to not fight the desire for others, but to actually use that to build desire for your partner.
See this
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0sYguTPLpHE

[Anonymous]

Were you ever sexually attracted to your DH? Or was he always more like a best friend?

[Anonymous]

Have sex with him.
I know that may sound crazy, but it helped me.
Another thing is if possible get out of the house and your usual routine go away even if it's just overnight or for the weekend.
But yeah, have sex with him I can't tell you how much just committing to regular sex has helped things.

[Anonymous]

I think your marriage needs to recharged like an electronic. Perhaps not the greatest analogy I know...Sorry.

What initially attracted you to him? There must have been SOMETHING that made you feel like a schoolgirl with a serious crush.

Try to go back to the earlier days of your relationship. If possible, plan a date night at one of the venues you visited when you were courting.

Hopefully this will get the spark going. If not, I would try to get more creative with ideas on how to get that "in love" feeling back.

Be patient, this will take some time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is very common for people, but especially for women, to lose attraction to their partners in long term relationship. And just as you've stated, this loss of desire is specific to your actual spouse, because you are attracted to a potential new person.

I would suggest doing some research on this topic, like you are doing here, and you will learn this is not at all unusual, but is probably more the norm. One approach to this seemingly lost cause is to not fight the desire for others, but to actually use that to build desire for your partner.
See this
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0sYguTPLpHE

Why vs. men?

[Anonymous]

Have you seen Magic Mike?

Close your eyes and imagine you're with Channing Tatum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is very common for people, but especially for women, to lose attraction to their partners in long term relationship. And just as you've stated, this loss of desire is specific to your actual spouse, because you are attracted to a potential new person.

I would suggest doing some research on this topic, like you are doing here, and you will learn this is not at all unusual, but is probably more the norm. One approach to this seemingly lost cause is to not fight the desire for others, but to actually use that to build desire for your partner.
See this
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0sYguTPLpHE

Why vs. men?

I've seen lots of studies that show this to be true, yet there is no clear reason "why"
Here are a couple such articles:
http://www.mnn.com/lifestyle/arts-culture/stories/why-women-lose-interest-in-sex#comments-343208
http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/loss-of-sexual-desire-in-women
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2253479/Why-women-stop-wanting-sex-Nearly-HALF-women-suffer-lost-libido-devastating-consequences-reasons-emerging.html

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is very common for people, but especially for women, to lose attraction to their partners in long term relationship. And just as you've stated, this loss of desire is specific to your actual spouse, because you are attracted to a potential new person.

I would suggest doing some research on this topic, like you are doing here, and you will learn this is not at all unusual, but is probably more the norm. One approach to this seemingly lost cause is to not fight the desire for others, but to actually use that to build desire for your partner.
See this
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0sYguTPLpHE

Why vs. men?

I've seen lots of studies that show this to be true, yet there is no clear reason "why"
Here are a couple such articles:
http://www.mnn.com/lifestyle/arts-culture/stories/why-women-lose-interest-in-sex#comments-343208
http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/loss-of-sexual-desire-in-women
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2253479/Why-women-stop-wanting-sex-Nearly-HALF-women-suffer-lost-libido-devastating-consequences-reasons-emerging.html

And especially with more women in the workforce, "bored" women are much more likely to cheat because they can. How many men are going to turn a woman down for sex?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is very common for people, but especially for women, to lose attraction to their partners in long term relationship. And just as you've stated, this loss of desire is specific to your actual spouse, because you are attracted to a potential new person.

I would suggest doing some research on this topic, like you are doing here, and you will learn this is not at all unusual, but is probably more the norm. One approach to this seemingly lost cause is to not fight the desire for others, but to actually use that to build desire for your partner.
See this
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0sYguTPLpHE

Why vs. men?

I've seen lots of studies that show this to be true, yet there is no clear reason "why"
Here are a couple such articles:
http://www.mnn.com/lifestyle/arts-culture/stories/why-women-lose-interest-in-sex#comments-343208
http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/loss-of-sexual-desire-in-women
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2253479/Why-women-stop-wanting-sex-Nearly-HALF-women-suffer-lost-libido-devastating-consequences-reasons-emerging.html

My guess is that most men's baseline sexual attraction toward women in general is higher and, so, remains high even if his wife, over time, becomes less sexually "special" in his mind. Even if his attraction to her regresses to the baseline, it's still high enough to support a regular sex life. A woman's baseline attraction toward the general population of men is, perhaps, not as high and, so, when her attraction to her spouse regresses to the baseline, it's not enough to support a good sex life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is very common for people, but especially for women, to lose attraction to their partners in long term relationship. And just as you've stated, this loss of desire is specific to your actual spouse, because you are attracted to a potential new person.

I would suggest doing some research on this topic, like you are doing here, and you will learn this is not at all unusual, but is probably more the norm. One approach to this seemingly lost cause is to not fight the desire for others, but to actually use that to build desire for your partner.
See this
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0sYguTPLpHE

Why vs. men?

I've seen lots of studies that show this to be true, yet there is no clear reason "why"
Here are a couple such articles:
http://www.mnn.com/lifestyle/arts-culture/stories/why-women-lose-interest-in-sex#comments-343208
http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/loss-of-sexual-desire-in-women
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2253479/Why-women-stop-wanting-sex-Nearly-HALF-women-suffer-lost-libido-devastating-consequences-reasons-emerging.html

My guess is that most men's baseline sexual attraction toward women in general is higher and, so, remains high even if his wife, over time, becomes less sexually "special" in his mind. Even if his attraction to her regresses to the baseline, it's still high enough to support a regular sex life. A woman's baseline attraction toward the general population of men is, perhaps, not as high and, so, when her attraction to her spouse regresses to the baseline, it's not enough to support a good sex life.

Yes, I agree.

I think another reason is that men are attracted to a woman's physical appearance, and unless she physically deteriorates over time at an extreme level, familiarly won't lessen his physical attraction dramatically.

In contrast, a woman is attracted more to a man's displays of competence and his aura as someone with social status. Familiarity can definitely undermine that impression. He becomes some guy you see on the couch in his underwear who lets you boss him around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I want to desire my husband. It has been years since I felt that way toward him. I love him, but in a way that is more like a partnership or friendship but not sexual. This didn't bother me for a long time. I just thought of myself as a low drive person. Then, boom, I got a huge crush on someone and have a very strong desire for him. I forgot what it felt like. It is both great to feel so alive and terrible because it is the wrong person.

I would much rather desire my husband. I have zero intention of destroying my marriage or having an affair. However, the thought that I will never feel this way toward the man that I am committed to is hard. I wish that I could get rid of my feelings towards this other (single) person. It is making me crazy. I don't want to feel this way any more. It has been about 2-3 months. Jesus, no one ever told me that life could be like this.

OP, do you work with this other person? Is there anyway to eliminate your daily contact?

I think you need to look at this like a drug.

A lot of people who get started with hard drugs have this initial honey moon period with the drug where they feel like "How did I ever live before I had this in my life? I feel so alive and happy for the first time."

That's kind of where you are now, and it is understandably extremely intense and powerful.

I am so happy you are being intellectually high-minded about this (instead of giving into your primal impulses like an animal and rationalizing it). If you are serious about being the person you want to be (loyal and someone who honors your commitments), then you need to get away from this guy.

It might take weeks or even a couple of months before the strong cravings subside mostly to the background.

I'm sorry. I know how you feel.

[Anonymous]

Monogamy for those of us who are still alive and full of passion is a very special kind of hell.