How to re-kindle attraction to husband

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is very common for people, but especially for women, to lose attraction to their partners in long term relationship. And just as you've stated, this loss of desire is specific to your actual spouse, because you are attracted to a potential new person.

I would suggest doing some research on this topic, like you are doing here, and you will learn this is not at all unusual, but is probably more the norm. One approach to this seemingly lost cause is to not fight the desire for others, but to actually use that to build desire for your partner.
See this
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0sYguTPLpHE

Why vs. men?

I've seen lots of studies that show this to be true, yet there is no clear reason "why"
Here are a couple such articles:
http://www.mnn.com/lifestyle/arts-culture/stories/why-women-lose-interest-in-sex#comments-343208
http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/loss-of-sexual-desire-in-women
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2253479/Why-women-stop-wanting-sex-Nearly-HALF-women-suffer-lost-libido-devastating-consequences-reasons-emerging.html

My guess is that most men's baseline sexual attraction toward women in general is higher and, so, remains high even if his wife, over time, becomes less sexually "special" in his mind. Even if his attraction to her regresses to the baseline, it's still high enough to support a regular sex life. A woman's baseline attraction toward the general population of men is, perhaps, not as high and, so, when her attraction to her spouse regresses to the baseline, it's not enough to support a good sex life.

Yes, I agree.

I think another reason is that men are attracted to a woman's physical appearance, and unless she physically deteriorates over time at an extreme level, familiarly won't lessen his physical attraction dramatically.

In contrast, a woman is attracted more to a man's displays of competence and his aura as someone with social status. Familiarity can definitely undermine that impression. He becomes some guy you see on the couch in his underwear who lets you boss him around.

This explains what I read about investment bankers in NY and London when the financial crisis hit and they lost their jobs. Once the guy wasn't an uber hypercompetitive breadwinner and was spending his days sitting on the couch watching TV, he was no longer the hot handsome husband, but a schlub.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Monogamy for those of us who are still alive and full of passion is a very special kind of hell.

It is if you're married to someone who has lost their zest for life. Speaking from experience.

[Anonymous]

My husband has gained a lot of weight since we have gotten married and I do not find him physically attractive at all. I love him dearly, and would never cheat on him or hurt him, but I feel smothered when we have sex and it is not enjoyable. I seem men who are fit or in relatively good shape and I so wish he could return to some semblance of normal. I do not need him to have six pack, but it would be nice if he did not have a gut. I know this sounds awful. He is so, so sensitive about his weight so I don't say anything but it is getting harder and harder to fake attraction.

[Anonymous]

So climb on top?

Anonymous wrote:My husband has gained a lot of weight since we have gotten married and I do not find him physically attractive at all. I love him dearly, and would never cheat on him or hurt him, but I feel smothered when we have sex and it is not enjoyable. I seem men who are fit or in relatively good shape and I so wish he could return to some semblance of normal. I do not need him to have six pack, but it would be nice if he did not have a gut. I know this sounds awful. He is so, so sensitive about his weight so I don't say anything but it is getting harder and harder to fake attraction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So climb on top?

Anonymous wrote:My husband has gained a lot of weight since we have gotten married and I do not find him physically attractive at all. I love him dearly, and would never cheat on him or hurt him, but I feel smothered when we have sex and it is not enjoyable. I seem men who are fit or in relatively good shape and I so wish he could return to some semblance of normal. I do not need him to have six pack, but it would be nice if he did not have a gut. I know this sounds awful. He is so, so sensitive about his weight so I don't say anything but it is getting harder and harder to fake attraction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Monogamy for those of us who are still alive and full of passion is a very special kind of hell.

It is if you're married to someone who has lost their zest for life. Speaking from experience.

Even if they haven't. Everything gets tiresome when it's the same for decades.

[Anonymous]

OP, I could have written your post verbatim. Facing the same drought of desire for husband at home, while also experiencing a mad and intense crush (that I have recently been told is mutual). It is hell. I am trying to reignite the flame too, but it has been dead for so long it is so labored. I feel like we have so far to go to even get to a tiny flame...all the while there is a bonfire blazing with this other person. I have not cheated, and would never thought I would even contemplate it, but I feel super tested right now. My DH has also let himself go. He used to be super fit and almost a metrosexual...now he is anything but. He is a good man, but physicality does matter when it comes to attraction. I work really hard to make sure I keep super fit and attractive, but I seem to get the attention of everyone BUT him. That also kills the spark for me. You want to feel wanted. It is tough. Thank you for posting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I could have written your post verbatim. Facing the same drought of desire for husband at home, while also experiencing a mad and intense crush (that I have recently been told is mutual). It is hell. I am trying to reignite the flame too, but it has been dead for so long it is so labored. I feel like we have so far to go to even get to a tiny flame...all the while there is a bonfire blazing with this other person. I have not cheated, and would never thought I would even contemplate it, but I feel super tested right now. My DH has also let himself go. He used to be super fit and almost a metrosexual...now he is anything but. He is a good man, but physicality does matter when it comes to attraction. I work really hard to make sure I keep super fit and attractive, but I seem to get the attention of everyone BUT him. That also kills the spark for me. You want to feel wanted. It is tough. Thank you for posting.

Another woman in exact same position. Thanks for posting also. Trying to sex it out with my husband but he's really not very interested.

[Anonymous]

OP here, appreciate the replies. (Just to be clear, I am not the poster whose husband had gained weight.)

The post about treating this like a drug really resonated with me. That is exactly what this is like, well I have never used drugs, but I can see how it is the same. I have always been a loyal caring person. Waking up every morning wanting to make out with someone that I am not attached to is a crazy experience for me. As hot and amazing as this feeling is, seriously I have been high as a kite and had tons of energy, it is also crazy.

Interesting that it isn't uncommon for women to lose desire in long term relationships. I wasn't expecting this.

[Anonymous]

So maybe women (and men) were not meant to be with only the same person year after year, and there should be more flexibility.

[Anonymous]

Your crush could be your soulmate. How will you know if you don't have sex with them?

Anonymous wrote:OP, I could have written your post verbatim. Facing the same drought of desire for husband at home, while also experiencing a mad and intense crush (that I have recently been told is mutual). It is hell. I am trying to reignite the flame too, but it has been dead for so long it is so labored. I feel like we have so far to go to even get to a tiny flame...all the while there is a bonfire blazing with this other person. I have not cheated, and would never thought I would even contemplate it, but I feel super tested right now. My DH has also let himself go. He used to be super fit and almost a metrosexual...now he is anything but. He is a good man, but physicality does matter when it comes to attraction. I work really hard to make sure I keep super fit and attractive, but I seem to get the attention of everyone BUT him. That also kills the spark for me. You want to feel wanted. It is tough. Thank you for posting.