5 weeks pregnant, what should I tell my friend who went through IVF and wasn't successful?
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Anonymous
| Hi all, so, we'd been trying to conceive for 2 1/2 years, 1 year with fertility treatments. I found out a week ago I'm 5 weeks pregnant. I have a very close friend who went through IVF for years (2 years ahead of when I did though), and was ultimately unsuccessful. She had a miscarriage at one point, and kept doing treatments for a year when they finally told her the chances were very low so she and husband stopped treatments. It's been a big loss for her, understandably. She has been kind of hands off when I was going through my treatments, which I understood because it has to be painful for her. In the last 6 months, she seems to be coming to closure with everything, she said she's in a good place now, and she's started asking me about my situation again. Which I was open with whenever she wanted to know. Now that I'm pregnant, I don't know what to say to her. She pointedly asked me today what was going on with treatments? 5 weeks is so early, I'd hate to tell her only for this not to work out for me and then I'd have hurt her unnecessarily. I also don't want to tell her a month from now and have her feel like I lied to her this whole time. I just don't want to hurt her, I know how I would feel in her shoes. I know she'll ultimately be happy for me but the news is going to sting. Any advice would be appreciated, thanks! |
Anonymous
| I'd tell her that you are pregnant but that its very early. Lying is only going to hurt her more. Congrats! |
Anonymous
I would also tell her, especially since she's actively asking you. Congratulations 
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Anonymous
| I would try to avoid the subject if you can but I would not lie outright. You have been through lengthy infertility yourself so over the past 2.5 years how would you have wanted a friend to handle it if roles were reversed. Do that. |
Anonymous
| Tell her the truth and acknowledge her pain - tell her you hope that this soon will happen for her. Also, you haven't gotten a heartbeat yet so don't get too giddy. Though I have been there and I so wish you the best. |
Anonymous
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I would not tell her yet, honestly. 5 weeks is way, way too early to know anything. Wait until after you see a heartbeat (maybe 7 weeks). I'd never tell anyone before 13 weeks outside of DH and my parents.
Until then, you can share that you are hopeful to get good news soon. If she point blank asks you if you're pregnant, I agree with PP that you can say you are but it's too early to know how things will work out. Good luck! |
Anonymous
| Well I wouldn't lie outright I guess but just say "we're still monitoring" which is technically true- they're monitoring the situation this early on. I just hadn't planned on telling anyone until after the first trimester. |
Anonymous
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This OP by the way, I wrote 13:19
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Anonymous
| I went through fertility ups and downs for 5 years. I was truly happy for my friends when they experienced pregnancies in that time. I would recommend getting together one on one to tell her. Don't put pressure on her to be a big part of your pregnancy (showers, birth hospital etc). Let her deal with this on your terms. And whatever you do. DO NOT COMPLAIN. Morning sickness, pregnancy issues etc. Just let her know - hey we are pregnant - due XXXXX. Then ask about something important in her life - work, home travel etc. If she wants to talk more about your pregnancy, she will bring the conversation back around. If she doesn't, let it drop. She isn't ready to go there. She knows and will talk to you when she is ready. |
Anonymous
Should read: Let her deal with this on HER terms. |
Anonymous
+1. I have also had success and OPs inquiry is a little off putting. I waited until I was about 17 weeks to tell my friend who I knew was struggling to have a baby and I certainly wasn't thinking about it at 5 weeks. There are ways to avoid the subject. |
Anonymous
| This is OP, thank you for all your replies. The tricky thing is, she knows I was supposed to start another IVF cycle soon and we ended up getting pregnant on our own. So she's specifically asking about this cycle and I don't know what to say. She texted me the day I was supposed to start my cycle and I just said "still monitoring", which would not have been unusual bc I've spent months just monitoring and not cycling because my hormones were so off. Now a week later she's asked again what's going on with this cycle. She did tell me once to not tell her in person but rather to text her so she has time to process. I just don't know if I should tell her now bc she's pointedly asking what's going on or wait until I see a heartbeat. |
Anonymous
| OP again. And I can't say "i hope this will happen for you" because they've stopped doing treatments and trying. So if I put her off, what do I say that isn't seen as a betrayal weeks from now? |
Anonymous
I agree with all of this except the part about getting together one on one. Tell her over the phone so she can tear up without you seeing it. Do not do this in person please, I think that is just cruel especially since it sounds like she will never have a child and is still coming to terms with that. Also don't make a big deal over it. Just tell her and move on to another subject. Plenty of other peoe will gush and want to talk about it. I had to tell an infertile friend and this is what I did. I waited as long as possible, she was basically the last to know. |
Anonymous
| If she's asking, I'd tell her the basics: you're about 5 weeks, haven't heard a heartbeat, next appointment is at 6 weeks (or whenever it is). I understand not wanting to share the news until after the first trimester, but someone who's been through fertility treatments is going to be an amazing emotional support for you if things turn south, which I sincerely hope they don't. |