5 weeks pregnant, what should I tell my friend who went through IVF and wasn't successful?
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Anonymous
| Why can't you say you're not moving forward with the IVF cycle at this time? Because you aren't, right? |
Anonymous
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Is she has been through the process and has started asking you again, she knows this is a definite possibility.
I am in your position, OP, and have been on the other end more times than I can count. As devastating as it is/was every time a friend got pregnant when I couldn't, I was so truly happy for my friends who were successful out of the IF trenches because I totally knew where they were coming from (less so for the friends who got pregnant when their husbands looked at them sideways, but that is my own issue...). As a friend struggling with IF, I was so, so happy to cuddle those babies ... even when I sobbed the whole time. Tell when you feel comfortable telling, but don't lie and don't evade. Treat her like you would like to be treated. And let her handle it on her terms. |
Anonymous
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Another good response for deflecting inquiries is "we'll let you know when we have good news to share." I think 5 weeks is too early to include her in this journey (it is a roller coaster for others to hear all of your ups and downs too), but I would def tell her before you reach the end of the 1st trimester. Congrats!
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Anonymous
| I would just tell her the truth. She will be happy for you but the news may sting whether she hears it now or at 12 weeks, but if you wait to tell her she may also feel betrayed that she was trying to support you thru IVF and you were lying to her. I certainly understand not telling anyone until the first tri, but that ship sailed when you were open with her about the dates of your treatments and everything else. |
Anonymous
| OP here, thank you all so much. A mixed bag on what to do, it seems. I have only told one friend and no one else. And I don't plan to until second trimester. But the way she's asking makes it hard to know. I'll think on it. I definitely will not be telling her in person but via text as she asked me to do a long time ago. And not in the middle of the work day , either. For now I'm just ignoring her text until I figure out the right words. |
Anonymous
This. |
Anonymous
| OP here. I couldn't ignore her text from this morning any longer or it would have been weird. I just said "not cycling right now, will keep you posted". She said "sorry to hear you're not able to cycle right now." I just changed the subject to something else. We're very open with each other but also both good about taking cues from when the other one doesn't want to talk about something and being hands off. Hopefully this will buy me a few weeks before I'm ready to tell her. And hopefully she won't see this as a betrayal but me trying to protect her feelings after all she's been through. Thanks to everyone for your thoughtful responses, it helped me sort out what to say to this dear friend! |
Anonymous
Right after my miscarriage, I asked my IVF friend point blank if she was pregnant yet. We're incredibly close and have discussed ovulation and egg white cervical mucous more than I'd like to admit so asking the question didn't seem invasive from my perspective  I asked her because I knew it was a possibility since she was cycling and I honestly needed to know one way or another so that I could process the emotions that I knew I would inevitably feel. It turns out she is pregnant and her due date is just two days shy of my miscarried pregnancy and yes, it stung, but I got over it quickly and now I'm overjoyed for her. My point is, if your friend is asking it may be because she wants to get the horribly uncomfortable feelings that can come up over with, so maybe consider giving her that courtesy if you think that may be the case. And, good for you for being sensitive to your friend's needs. I did not struggle getting pregnant with my first but now that I've hot some bumps in the road trying to conceive number two, I most certainly have a new perspective on the situation. Congratulations to you, wishing you a happy, healthy pregnancy!
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Anonymous
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I'd send her an email and say pretty much what you've said here. Give her your news, tell her your concerns about how early it still is, and tell her how much you've been thinking about her and how to tell her or keep her involved as you'd like, without it being hurtful to her in any way.
If she is asking you that means she is prepared to hear your news (at least as much as she can be) and she wants to be included. That's quite lovely really, as is your concern for her feelings. You both sound like you're good, thoughtful friends. That will serve you well as you work this out. Congratulations on the pregnancy - I hope you have a completely uneventful and healthy pregancy and baby! |
Anonymous
Do not say this! (Did you even read OP's post?) If she and her husband have decided to stop treatments and seem to be in a better place, that is great! Their chances are slim; don't reopen this wound, as chances are slim it will ever happen for her. |
Anonymous
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I think you may be safe for now, OP, but having cycled before when you DO tell her she will definitely do the calendar math and see that you were indeed pregnant on December 3, or whenever. After an u/s--two, if you think you could get away with it that long--I would email her. (Phone calls are just as bad as in-person announcements...at least for me.)
Larla, Thank you for always being such a sweet and supportive friend. I wanted to let you know that we had to postpone our cycle, because I'm unexpectedly pregnant...by having sex! Cautious doesn't begin to explain it after X failed IVF cycles, but we've seen the HB twice and are hopeful. It is still so very early, but I didn't want to keep this from you as you had asked when the pee stick was barely dry. Then I'd suggest dinner, movie or whatever you used to do with her not pregnant. GL--emphasis on the luck part! |
Anonymous
| I guess it would depend on how close you are. Having been dealing with IF yourself you know how it does sting when someone else gets that good news. It's great that you're thinking about the best way to do it. If it was me and I was close enough to her to talk to her about all the IF stuff then I would probably go ahead and tell her. But I would say something like that things seem to be going in the right direction but you're nervous and not ready to talk about it more until things progress. Hopefully then she will be supportive and not press further. The reality is that it's going to hurt when she hears it but you know that has nothing to do with your success but instead with her struggle. Lying about it or trying to avoid it won't make it hurt her any less. It might be better in a way to get it over with so you're not stressing about it which you don't need right now either. |
Anonymous
| You never say anything until 12 weeks. Period. |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
| Since she is asking I would tell her the truth now. And if (God forbid) you did miscarry she would likely be someone that would be there for you. Thank her for asking and being supportive. Maybe even tell her you weren't sure what to say because you didn't want to hurt her feelings. But if she has asked more than once she surely understands that she could possibly hear that yes, you are pregnant. I agree with the poster who said whatever you do DO NOT complain! |