For those with college-aged houseguests?

[Anonymous]

I am curious to know how those who have/had college-aged guests staying over during the Thanksgiving holiday (or other times) feel about them as responsible human beings. I have two college-aged nieces here for the holiday (3 nights so far) and I am honestly just appalled by their refusal to contribute in any way to cleaning up, preparing meals, showing gratitude, etc. This isn't new -- they have been like this for years. I think what hit me this year is that they are now in college, and I fear this is just who they are as humans.
Some examples: they have no idea how to set a table -- don't know which side of the plate a fork, knife, or spoon goes on, don't know where glasses go, etc. They "don't know how" to put a dish in a dishwasher and therefore don't, nor do they ever wash a dish. When asked to help do something like clean up the table they do the absolute minimum possible and are gone, back to their phones, within seconds.
My intent here isn't vent. I am trying to understand how much they reflect their generation vs. failures to parent/teach in our family. They have each had very different influences from two different families. I know my side of the family has failed them, but I had thought other families involved would have done more.
So, is this just the way it is for young adults in 2015? I also wonder at what point in life your behavior isn't about whether your parents taught you to do something, but about you and your choices?

[Anonymous]

You answered your own question. They have been this way for years. This is parental failure. Not teaching a kid to be responsible. I spent the Thanksgiving weekend with family and there were 4 college aged kids included. They helped cook, clean up, entertained older and much younger relatives, were friendly, talkative and just a pleasure to be around.

The parents would not put up with what you described above. Nothing to do with the generation. Sorry they were failed in their upbringing.

[Anonymous]

You seem like a very difficult person to get on with OP.
you probably spent the last few days looking for their faults, just as you spent their early years judging their parents.

[Anonymous]

OP: these sound like model children raised by helicopter parents. Gift them a copy of Emily Post?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You seem like a very difficult person to get on with OP.
you probably spent the last few days looking for their faults, just as you spent their early years judging their parents.

+1
I don't see not knowing where to put the fork as a huge character flaw. And even my husband cannot load the dishwasher properly, no matter how many times I tell him. They are your guests, not your servants. Not one of my houseguests this week has washed a dish, and I didn't expect it.

[Anonymous]

OP, do their parents care and get frustrated with them, or go the parents excuse them or not see the issue?

[Anonymous]

My son didn't come home for Thanksgiving. He's at his girlfriend's house, and her mother emailed me to say how impressed by his manners and willingness to help out.

I wish he had come home...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am trying to understand how much they reflect their generation vs. failures to parent/teach in our family. They have each had very different influences from two different families. I know my side of the family has failed them, but I had thought other families involved would have done more.
So, is this just the way it is for young adults in 2015? I also wonder at what point in life your behavior isn't about whether your parents taught you to do something, but about you and your choices?

Even if it's their generation, that represents parental choices on a large scale. Parents chose to incentivize behaviors other than chipping in and helping out, and their young adults are now living that out. Why would they choose anything different as they move into adulthood?

Thanks for the cautionary tale.

[Anonymous]

My kids have had zero experience with being a guest in someone else's home. They aren't in college, yet, but I honestly don't think it would occur to them to walk into someone's kitchen and do the dishes. If and when they do stay with someone, I'll try to press that they should clean up after themselves and be helpful, but I'm not sure it would occur to them on their own.

[Anonymous]

I have both of my sons home (ages 19 and 23) and will say they are somewhat clueless about things like loading the dishwasher. However, they are getting better at helping and being good guests in other ways. Both have taken out the trash, walked the dog, and cleaned their own plates and dishes without prompting. A couple of years ago they would have sat there oblivious while I did all of the work. The 23 year old son especially is becoming more aware, now that he's living on his own and is fully responsible for keeping his own place clean and tidy. I will say that my 16 year old daughter is more competent than her older brothers when it comes to loading the dishwasher and setting the table. Now if I can just get all of them to not leave their used glasses all around the house...!

[Anonymous]

My cousins were spoiled by their rich parents. I love them to death but I think it's awful how they do absolutely nothing on thanksgiving or I guess any other day. They don't help cook, shop, set the table, or clean up afterwards. They don't even bother taking their own dishes to the sink. I think they will have a hard time dating; they are high school and college aged now.

The boy has only one chore and that's to take out the trash. He's 18. He doesn't even bother unless he gets yelled at.

[Anonymous]

This sounds like my MIL, but she's 70.

'I wouldn't be concerned about the right placement for cutlery - who cares? That's a 5-second lesson you could teach them. The concern I have is when you said they don't show any gratitude. That's a problem. Other things can be taught even at college- age: loading dw, setting table, doing laundry, but feeling gratitude towards someone who is housing you for the holidays? You either feel it or you don't.

[Anonymous]

That's tough. I was raised in what I guess is an old-fashioned way. You don't ask house guests to do work. But of course house guests were raised to know to offer to do certain things, to bring a hostess gift, and write a thank-you afterward. And I get the feeling your nieces won't do any of that.

My 14 year old nephew spent two nights with us last summer to babysit my son while we worked. He cleaned up after himself, made his bed, asked about house rules, and was basically the perfect guest. I know my brother didn't teach him this. His mom must have (divorced). But there are people teaching kids proper behavior. However, again because I'm old-fashioned, I didn't ask him to do any chores. I just expected him to clean up after himself and he did.

[Anonymous]

No. My older kids are 21 and 24. They absolutely know how to set a table, load a dishwasher, do laundry, make beds, etc. they also know when they're guests to interact with their hosts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am curious to know how those who have/had college-aged guests staying over during the Thanksgiving holiday (or other times) feel about them as responsible human beings. I have two college-aged nieces here for the holiday (3 nights so far) and I am honestly just appalled by their refusal to contribute in any way to cleaning up, preparing meals, showing gratitude, etc. This isn't new -- they have been like this for years. I think what hit me this year is that they are now in college, and I fear this is just who they are as humans.
Some examples: they have no idea how to set a table -- don't know which side of the plate a fork, knife, or spoon goes on, don't know where glasses go, etc. They "don't know how" to put a dish in a dishwasher and therefore don't, nor do they ever wash a dish. When asked to help do something like clean up the table they do the absolute minimum possible and are gone, back to their phones, within seconds.
My intent here isn't vent. I am trying to understand how much they reflect their generation vs. failures to parent/teach in our family. They have each had very different influences from two different families. I know my side of the family has failed them, but I had thought other families involved would have done more.
So, is this just the way it is for young adults in 2015? I also wonder at what point in life your behavior isn't about whether your parents taught you to do something, but about you and your choices?

Guests, no matter what age, shouldn't be "expected" or "asked" to do anything. Obviously you don't not how to host.