For those with college-aged houseguests?

[Anonymous]

So they are college freshman and it sounds like you want them to just know that, in your home, being a guest includes cooking and washing dishes? That expectation isn't universal. In my experience young people start behaving the way you'd expect a guest to behave once they have their own apartment, if then, but certainly not while they live in a dorm room.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My college age daughter (I assume) would have no clue what the proper placement of cutlery is on a table. My kids grew up doing sports after school and we didn't do a lot of eating at the dinner table. I think my college daughter is a lovely human and parented well. Her ability to properly place cutlery has zero to do with manners.

If these Relatives don't know you extremely well, loading and unloading dishes would be awkward. I would have no clue how someone else liked their dishes loaded nor where to put them away. I think if I tried to help someone else clean their kitchen I would stand there awkwardly not knowing what to do.

What I can tell you is that your disdain of your relatives and your personal opinion of their upbringing is surely not lost on them. I'm sure when they run to their phones they are probly texting "get me the heck out of here". I know I would be.

+1 on the dishwasher. Plus the OP seems to be the type who would criticize them and not let them live it down for doing it "wrong"; I wouldn't be anxious to just jump into her kitchen and start doing things either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My college age daughter (I assume) would have no clue what the proper placement of cutlery is on a table. My kids grew up doing sports after school and we didn't do a lot of eating at the dinner table. I think my college daughter is a lovely human and parented well. Her ability to properly place cutlery has zero to do with manners.

If these Relatives don't know you extremely well, loading and unloading dishes would be awkward. I would have no clue how someone else liked their dishes loaded nor where to put them away. I think if I tried to help someone else clean their kitchen I would stand there awkwardly not knowing what to do.

What I can tell you is that your disdain of your relatives and your personal opinion of their upbringing is surely not lost on them. I'm sure when they run to their phones they are probly texting "get me the heck out of here". I know I would be.

How did your daughter eat her meals? Standing up? Did she never eat a weekend or holiday meal at a proper
Table? I agree with you that table setting is quite a small pet of being a well mannered human being but if you somehow ate proper meals so rarely that your daughter can't tell you what a table
Setting looks like, that seems like you failed her on this level. I mean even restaurants have these expectations. Your daughter will have to eat in one someday, and she will hopefully be a house guest as well.

Small part, not small pet. Sorry.

Sure once in awhile we are holiday dinners at a table or the occasional weekend dinner at the table. I have no clue what order I put the cutlery in at the table during those times. I don't value it at all...I value the people sitting at the table. Don't give a damn if the spoon is on the inside or the outside of the knife. Because I don't value that as a parent does not make me a failure as a parent "in that area". It makes me a parent who does not consider that something important to focus on. And for heavens sake it's not like a life skill you learn from a lifetime of parenting...it's something you learn once in two minutes.

My kids would, I would bet, clean up their own messes as a houseguest. They would bring their dishes to the sink after eating. But I don't think they would proactively ask to load the dishwasher. They might say "can I help with anything" if everyone else was running around cleaning. They would definitely be on their phones most of the time. Heck I have my family at my house (my parents and my brother) and all of them are on their phones all day and night, as am I. I don't think a thing of it.

I'm not judgemental enough to make blanket statements about a whole generation of kids and parents nor clueless enough to think that my parenting was perfect.

Deflect, deflect, deflect.

[Anonymous]

OP, I have to agree with some of the other posters that perhaps you seemed like you were waiting to judge them. I have older kids and they had to set the table and do dishes for years so thye know how to do it. This year clean up had everyone in the kitchen, mybhusband washed, the kids dried and I put most of the food away. Someone swept the floor. But really there was not much for more than the two of us to do. But my kids stayed in the kitchen, played Christmas music sang and danced. They were their to help but mostly my husband and I had it under control. I was not keeping score.

There have been years when they have done all the cleaning. They know how to help but sometimes it is probably just too many hands in the kitchen.

Not sure why you did not just ask your nieces to set the table. If they said they did not know how, take the five minutes to show them. I believe you that they were not helpful. I just think you were too into judging them and not interested in having a good time.

[Anonymous]

I grew up in a house where my mom had to have everything just so. Dishwashers were loaded a certain way. Beds were made every day. Holidays sucked because we all had to dress up just to eat at our own table with our family. It was all about appearances.

She wasn't a bad mom but I want a far more relaxed family for myself.

Everyone has their own parenting style and just because you can't set a "proper" table by no means makes you some ill-mannered human. That's just ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son didn't come home for Thanksgiving. He's at his girlfriend's house, and her mother emailed me to say how impressed by his manners and willingness to help out.

I wish he had come home...

I'm sure you wish he were home, but what a lovely email to get!!

+1
I have 2 boys under 5 and will die a happy woman if I get an email like that. How wonderful for you, and how kind of that mom to let you know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: these sound like model children raised by helicopter parents. Gift them a copy of Emily Post?

Actually if kids were raised by helicopter parents, the parents would have had them help. This is a situation where the kids have not been taught how to be good house guests and have manners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son didn't come home for Thanksgiving. He's at his girlfriend's house, and her mother emailed me to say how impressed by his manners and willingness to help out.

I wish he had come home...

Aww, sorry your son didn't come home, but sounds like you raised a fantastic young man! Take comfort in the fact that the girlfriend's mom recognized this!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am curious to know how those who have/had college-aged guests staying over during the Thanksgiving holiday (or other times) feel about them as responsible human beings. I have two college-aged nieces here for the holiday (3 nights so far) and I am honestly just appalled by their refusal to contribute in any way to cleaning up, preparing meals, showing gratitude, etc. This isn't new -- they have been like this for years. I think what hit me this year is that they are now in college, and I fear this is just who they are as humans.
Some examples: they have no idea how to set a table -- don't know which side of the plate a fork, knife, or spoon goes on, don't know where glasses go, etc. They "don't know how" to put a dish in a dishwasher and therefore don't, nor do they ever wash a dish. When asked to help do something like clean up the table they do the absolute minimum possible and are gone, back to their phones, within seconds.
My intent here isn't vent. I am trying to understand how much they reflect their generation vs. failures to parent/teach in our family. They have each had very different influences from two different families. I know my side of the family has failed them, but I had thought other families involved would have done more.
So, is this just the way it is for young adults in 2015? I also wonder at what point in life your behavior isn't about whether your parents taught you to do something, but about you and your choices?

You sound like my great grandmother complaining about my father's generation. (Dad turns 85 this year).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: these sound like model children raised by helicopter parents. Gift them a copy of Emily Post?

Actually if kids were raised by helicopter parents, the parents would have had them help. This is a situation where the kids have not been taught how to be good house guests and have manners.

The helicopter parents I know don't think their kids should have chores because everything hangs on getting awards and grades so they get into good colleges and then get the right job.

If someone doesn't want guests doing anything to help, that's fine. But I can't imagine that in a house full of people, anyone is going to object to a guest asking, "What should I do with my dishes?" or "Do you want any help?"

And while nieces may be guests, they're also family. If you're in a group for the long haul, you need to figure out how to make yourself welcome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am curious to know how those who have/had college-aged guests staying over during the Thanksgiving holiday (or other times) feel about them as responsible human beings. I have two college-aged nieces here for the holiday (3 nights so far) and I am honestly just appalled by their refusal to contribute in any way to cleaning up, preparing meals, showing gratitude, etc. This isn't new -- they have been like this for years. I think what hit me this year is that they are now in college, and I fear this is just who they are as humans.
Some examples: they have no idea how to set a table -- don't know which side of the plate a fork, knife, or spoon goes on, don't know where glasses go, etc. They "don't know how" to put a dish in a dishwasher and therefore don't, nor do they ever wash a dish. When asked to help do something like clean up the table they do the absolute minimum possible and are gone, back to their phones, within seconds.
My intent here isn't vent. I am trying to understand how much they reflect their generation vs. failures to parent/teach in our family. They have each had very different influences from two different families. I know my side of the family has failed them, but I had thought other families involved would have done more.
So, is this just the way it is for young adults in 2015? I also wonder at what point in life your behavior isn't about whether your parents taught you to do something, but about you and your choices?

Guests, no matter what age, shouldn't be "expected" or "asked" to do anything. Obviously you don't not how to host.

Says someone who people hate to have as a guest. Clearly someone didn't raise you right. Any guest who doesn't at least offer to do something (most hosts will decline, of course) is an ill-mannered lout in my book. I'd be appalled if my kids did this at someone else's home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My college age daughter (I assume) would have no clue what the proper placement of cutlery is on a table. My kids grew up doing sports after school and we didn't do a lot of eating at the dinner table. I think my college daughter is a lovely human and parented well. Her ability to properly place cutlery has zero to do with manners.

If these Relatives don't know you extremely well, loading and unloading dishes would be awkward. I would have no clue how someone else liked their dishes loaded nor where to put them away. I think if I tried to help someone else clean their kitchen I would stand there awkwardly not knowing what to do.

What I can tell you is that your disdain of your relatives and your personal opinion of their upbringing is surely not lost on them. I'm sure when they run to their phones they are probly texting "get me the heck out of here". I know I would be.

Poor little pampered rich girl. My kids played sports too after school, but they weren't too good to set and clear a table. Your daughter may be a lovely human being, but you've raised her to be helpless. Congrats!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 5 year old knows silverware placement. It's called manners.

So poor people can't have manners? Because we live in a studio apt, and don't have a table. I doubt my 12 yr old knows exactly how to set a table. But she knows how to walk into the kitchen and ask "what can I do to help?", to clear her plate from someone else's table, and to say "thank you for having me" when leaving. She says please and thank you as appropriate. She just wouldn't know how to set a table, unless someone did one p,ace setting as an example for her to copy. I think she's got manners though.

Not that poster. I grew up poor, too. And we didn't do everything properly at every meal for sure. But I was taught proper etiquette. My mother taught me place settings, and which fork and spoon to eat with when there were multiple. Her goal was to make us comfortable socializing with the "Queen or the maid." And FWIW, my grandmother was a maid. The other was a waitress in a bar.

You can do it as a stand alone lesson. It's not as fast or as solid as doing it nightly. But don't underestimate the lessons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am curious to know how those who have/had college-aged guests staying over during the Thanksgiving holiday (or other times) feel about them as responsible human beings. I have two college-aged nieces here for the holiday (3 nights so far) and I am honestly just appalled by their refusal to contribute in any way to cleaning up, preparing meals, showing gratitude, etc. This isn't new -- they have been like this for years. I think what hit me this year is that they are now in college, and I fear this is just who they are as humans.
Some examples: they have no idea how to set a table -- don't know which side of the plate a fork, knife, or spoon goes on, don't know where glasses go, etc. They "don't know how" to put a dish in a dishwasher and therefore don't, nor do they ever wash a dish. When asked to help do something like clean up the table they do the absolute minimum possible and are gone, back to their phones, within seconds.
My intent here isn't vent. I am trying to understand how much they reflect their generation vs. failures to parent/teach in our family. They have each had very different influences from two different families. I know my side of the family has failed them, but I had thought other families involved would have done more.
So, is this just the way it is for young adults in 2015? I also wonder at what point in life your behavior isn't about whether your parents taught you to do something, but about you and your choices?

Guests, no matter what age, shouldn't be "expected" or "asked" to do anything. Obviously you don't not how to host.

Says someone who people hate to have as a guest. Clearly someone didn't raise you right. Any guest who doesn't at least offer to do something (most hosts will decline, of course) is an ill-mannered lout in my book. I'd be appalled if my kids did this at someone else's home.

Not that PP, but this is incorrect. A hostess should never ask for help. A guest should always offer. These are two separate roles. And it's not the hostess' place to teach etiquette to a guest.

[Anonymous]

My college kids each had a friend for Thanksgiving. Both college guests (one male, one female) offered to help (along with my kids) with setting table, making pies, loading dish washer. I never asked them. They have manners. Imagine that?