Terrible, selfish, and lonely

[Anonymous]

I am a woman, presumably straight, married.

A while ago I met a woman at a school event. I was attracted to her right from the get-go, and upon introducing myself, found that we had a lot in common. I was shy, bumbling, and ashamed of my attraction to her, and I didn’t reach out right away even after exchanging email addresses because I felt weird. We did end up emailing back and forth as I had some (insert legitimate reason here) questions, and I saw her a few times during the year. I thought the strong attraction I felt would go away, but it didn’t. Eventually, I met her again at a party, and having come out of a long winter (literal and figurative) decided spontaneously to go for it.

I've had the best time ever getting to know her and we've become real friends. But I'm still crushing on her, and I’m fairly certain she does not share those feelings or have similar thoughts. At one time, I thought she must have known about my crush; I am a terrible liar, very bad at concealing my feelings, not to mention the large amount of flirtation I engaged in. I thought she must know, and she’s still happy to spend quite a bit of time with me, so it might be all right. I’m not so sure now – if it were me being lusted after by a friend I didn’t feel the same about, would I hang around? Probably not. So she really doesn’t know or is in some type of denial. Or maybe she just really, really likes the attention – which is plausible, since that is a dear part of her personality. Neither she nor I have a large group of friends, and both of our marriages have difficulties.

I regret not being more forthcoming about my feelings from the beginning. It may have meant that the friendship would not have developed. But now it has – and I’m in too deep, and I think she is as well. I am imaginative but can’t imagine a good ending for this. Am I going to just fester like this for as long as I know her? I genuinely like her, and haven’t met anyone with whom I’ve had this sort of emotional and intellectual connection for years and years - I can't throw it away, but can't change it. I feel there is something I should say, but that only comes from selfishness, right?

Helpful words please.

[Anonymous]

Is she straight? If so, I'd let it go. You may need to distance yourself from the friendship if you can't quell the feelings.

I would think of it as any relationship where there was unrequited romantic feelings. If there was a guy you were hot for who was married, you wouldn't make a pass at him would you? Don't make a fool of yourself and ruin a friendship.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you have a lot of time on your hands. Get a job even if you don't need the money - it will take your mind off the futile pursuit of a straight woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is she straight? If so, I'd let it go. You may need to distance yourself from the friendship if you can't quell the feelings.

I would think of it as any relationship where there was unrequited romantic feelings. If there was a guy you were hot for who was married, you wouldn't make a pass at him would you? Don't make a fool of yourself and ruin a friendship.

I wouldn't make a pass at him, but I also wouldn't pursue a friendship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you have a lot of time on your hands. Get a job even if you don't need the money - it will take your mind off the futile pursuit of a straight woman.

Lol, I wish that were the solution. I work FT+, but I find time for things. Maybe I need a more interesting job.

[Anonymous]

So are you inviting your husband to participate in this, or is it that in addition to trying to turn a straight woman you are trying to cheat on your husband?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you have a lot of time on your hands. Get a job even if you don't need the money - it will take your mind off the futile pursuit of a straight woman.

Lol, I wish that were the solution. I work FT+, but I find time for things. Maybe I need a more interesting job.

[Anonymous]

I think I would be a little more "close" than usual and see how she reacts. Kiss on cheek when you meet, arm around her or leading her holding her hand. Play with her hair. See how she reacts. Not all in one evening.

[Anonymous]

You have a husband. She has a husband. She isn't necessarily even interested in you as more than a friend. So unless you're all swingers, that's three people you're going to hurt or annoy if you act on this fantasy. Some fantasies are meant to remain fantasies.

[Anonymous]

You are both married with children so you have no choice but to accept status quo or distance yourself. The fact that she is female is irrelevant. Sharing your feelings would either quickly end the friendship or begin an affair, which could destroy your family, and hers. The healthiest choice would be to accept that you can only have a friendship with this woman and focus on improving your marriage.

[Anonymous]

You don't get a free pass because she's the same gender. You're still married.

[Anonymous]

I'm not asking for DCUM approval or a "free pass." No questions at all regarding the morality of acting on my feelings. I want to know my best options for moving past this.

I also have the feeling this could come up again. Previously I believed I was pretty much straight. I'm not sure now.

[Anonymous]

You wouldn't be the first married woman who had a girl on the side.

[Anonymous]

I forgot to add that DH has figured it out. He's been surprisingly supportive. I have no intention or need to brazenly deceive him.

[Anonymous]

I am in the exact same situation, OP. Always thought of myself as straight and then, out of nowhere, fell in love with a woman. Also a very strong physical and emotional attraction. Very confused. Sorry I don't have any advice, but wanted to say that you are not alone.

[Anonymous]

I think she feels the same as you do and is hiding it better. If it were me, I would take the risk. I would drink some wine with her and go for it. It sounds amazing. But I would also talk to my husband about it first. Mine would be turned on and encourage me.