Terrible, selfish, and lonely

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think she feels the same as you do and is hiding it better. If it were me, I would take the risk. I would drink some wine with her and go for it. It sounds amazing. But I would also talk to my husband about it first. Mine would be turned on and encourage me.

I doubt he would encourage you if it were more than just lust. OP is also emotionally connected to this woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think she feels the same as you do and is hiding it better. If it were me, I would take the risk. I would drink some wine with her and go for it. It sounds amazing. But I would also talk to my husband about it first. Mine would be turned on and encourage me.

I doubt he would encourage you if it were more than just lust. OP is also emotionally connected to this woman.

He would be fine with it but you are correct about most men.

[Anonymous]

You know I hear this so often now that I wonder if guys who are married to 40 something women with kids should just accept that you are now surplus to requirements and see a lawyer. In fact, perhaps if you are a guy make sure you have protected yourself financially because your soon to be ex DW ain't hanging around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a woman, presumably straight, married.

A while ago I met a woman at a school event. I was attracted to her right from the get-go, and upon introducing myself, found that we had a lot in common. I was shy, bumbling, and ashamed of my attraction to her, and I didn’t reach out right away even after exchanging email addresses because I felt weird. We did end up emailing back and forth as I had some (insert legitimate reason here) questions, and I saw her a few times during the year. I thought the strong attraction I felt would go away, but it didn’t. Eventually, I met her again at a party, and having come out of a long winter (literal and figurative) decided spontaneously to go for it.

I've had the best time ever getting to know her and we've become real friends. But I'm still crushing on her, and I’m fairly certain she does not share those feelings or have similar thoughts. At one time, I thought she must have known about my crush; I am a terrible liar, very bad at concealing my feelings, not to mention the large amount of flirtation I engaged in. I thought she must know, and she’s still happy to spend quite a bit of time with me, so it might be all right. I’m not so sure now – if it were me being lusted after by a friend I didn’t feel the same about, would I hang around? Probably not. So she really doesn’t know or is in some type of denial. Or maybe she just really, really likes the attention – which is plausible, since that is a dear part of her personality. Neither she nor I have a large group of friends, and both of our marriages have difficulties.

I regret not being more forthcoming about my feelings from the beginning. It may have meant that the friendship would not have developed. But now it has – and I’m in too deep, and I think she is as well. I am imaginative but can’t imagine a good ending for this. Am I going to just fester like this for as long as I know her? I genuinely like her, and haven’t met anyone with whom I’ve had this sort of emotional and intellectual connection for years and years - I can't throw it away, but can't change it. I feel there is something I should say, but that only comes from selfishness, right?

Helpful words please.

helpful words ? If in your head this deep connection is something you don't want to have with your husband then I am not optimistic about your marriage. You are turning away from him. You seem more concerned about your relationship with your friend. Maybe that is the case and I hope you can maintain your honesty with your husband. But I am biased because I have seen this movie and if I were your husband I would would be heading for the exits

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a woman, presumably straight, married.

A while ago I met a woman at a school event. I was attracted to her right from the get-go, and upon introducing myself, found that we had a lot in common. I was shy, bumbling, and ashamed of my attraction to her, and I didn’t reach out right away even after exchanging email addresses because I felt weird. We did end up emailing back and forth as I had some (insert legitimate reason here) questions, and I saw her a few times during the year. I thought the strong attraction I felt would go away, but it didn’t. Eventually, I met her again at a party, and having come out of a long winter (literal and figurative) decided spontaneously to go for it.

I've had the best time ever getting to know her and we've become real friends. But I'm still crushing on her, and I’m fairly certain she does not share those feelings or have similar thoughts. At one time, I thought she must have known about my crush; I am a terrible liar, very bad at concealing my feelings, not to mention the large amount of flirtation I engaged in. I thought she must know, and she’s still happy to spend quite a bit of time with me, so it might be all right. I’m not so sure now – if it were me being lusted after by a friend I didn’t feel the same about, would I hang around? Probably not. So she really doesn’t know or is in some type of denial. Or maybe she just really, really likes the attention – which is plausible, since that is a dear part of her personality. Neither she nor I have a large group of friends, and both of our marriages have difficulties.

I regret not being more forthcoming about my feelings from the beginning. It may have meant that the friendship would not have developed. But now it has – and I’m in too deep, and I think she is as well. I am imaginative but can’t imagine a good ending for this. Am I going to just fester like this for as long as I know her? I genuinely like her, and haven’t met anyone with whom I’ve had this sort of emotional and intellectual connection for years and years - I can't throw it away, but can't change it. I feel there is something I should say, but that only comes from selfishness, right?

Helpful words please.

helpful words ? If in your head this deep connection is something you don't want to have with your husband then I am not optimistic about your marriage. You are turning away from him. You seem more concerned about your relationship with your friend. Maybe that is the case and I hope you can maintain your honesty with your husband. But I am biased because I have seen this movie and if I were your husband I would would be heading for the exits

Op, Please! You have never had a crush on anyone??? Sorry but after 24 years of marriage I see this fantasy as perfectly normal.

[Anonymous]

It's a fantasy she is asking for advice on how to realize.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a woman, presumably straight, married.

A while ago I met a woman at a school event. I was attracted to her right from the get-go, and upon introducing myself, found that we had a lot in common. I was shy, bumbling, and ashamed of my attraction to her, and I didn’t reach out right away even after exchanging email addresses because I felt weird. We did end up emailing back and forth as I had some (insert legitimate reason here) questions, and I saw her a few times during the year. I thought the strong attraction I felt would go away, but it didn’t. Eventually, I met her again at a party, and having come out of a long winter (literal and figurative) decided spontaneously to go for it.

I've had the best time ever getting to know her and we've become real friends. But I'm still crushing on her, and I’m fairly certain she does not share those feelings or have similar thoughts. At one time, I thought she must have known about my crush; I am a terrible liar, very bad at concealing my feelings, not to mention the large amount of flirtation I engaged in. I thought she must know, and she’s still happy to spend quite a bit of time with me, so it might be all right. I’m not so sure now – if it were me being lusted after by a friend I didn’t feel the same about, would I hang around? Probably not. So she really doesn’t know or is in some type of denial. Or maybe she just really, really likes the attention – which is plausible, since that is a dear part of her personality. Neither she nor I have a large group of friends, and both of our marriages have difficulties.

I regret not being more forthcoming about my feelings from the beginning. It may have meant that the friendship would not have developed. But now it has – and I’m in too deep, and I think she is as well. I am imaginative but can’t imagine a good ending for this. Am I going to just fester like this for as long as I know her? I genuinely like her, and haven’t met anyone with whom I’ve had this sort of emotional and intellectual connection for years and years - I can't throw it away, but can't change it. I feel there is something I should say, but that only comes from selfishness, right?

Helpful words please.

helpful words ? If in your head this deep connection is something you don't want to have with your husband then I am not optimistic about your marriage. You are turning away from him. You seem more concerned about your relationship with your friend. Maybe that is the case and I hope you can maintain your honesty with your husband. But I am biased because I have seen this movie and if I were your husband I would would be heading for the exits

Op, Please! You have never had a crush on anyone??? Sorry but after 24 years of marriage I see this fantasy as perfectly normal.

[Anonymous]

It is clear that some posters lack reading comprehension.

Of course I've had crushes before. But every single one of those were people I wasn't close to and probably wouldn't have connected to in real life, so they were infatuations by definition. This is harder because we are close.

[Anonymous]

You will probably have to put some distance between you. That's really the only way. Sustaining your current level of intimacy will only get you in deeper.

[Anonymous]

So you "forgot" to mention your husband knows about your crush. Did you also "forget" to say what he thinks you should do about it? Doling out tidbits of information while insulting posters who try to offer helpful input based on what you gave them? That can come across as being flaky, attention-seeking behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So you "forgot" to mention your husband knows about your crush. Did you also "forget" to say what he thinks you should do about it? Doling out tidbits of information while insulting posters who try to offer helpful input based on what you gave them? That can come across as being flaky, attention-seeking behavior.

That's because my post was not about DH.

[Anonymous]

Be patient. Eventually the crush will pass.

[Anonymous]

I don't believe in monogamy so I asked for an open marriage. I would now put us into the "polyamory" category. We are fine allowing each other to form emotional connections. I would not pass up a chance at real intimacy and love but I recognize that is not feasible for most people so it always makes me sad when I see a post like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I forgot to add that DH has figured it out. He's been surprisingly supportive. I have no intention or need to brazenly deceive him.

Let's face it, he's hoping for a threesome eventually.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you "forgot" to mention your husband knows about your crush. Did you also "forget" to say what he thinks you should do about it? Doling out tidbits of information while insulting posters who try to offer helpful input based on what you gave them? That can come across as being flaky, attention-seeking behavior.

That's because my post was not about DH.

Your husband's potential reaction most certainly is a factor in any advice the DCUM collective would give.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I forgot to add that DH has figured it out. He's been surprisingly supportive. I have no intention or need to brazenly deceive him.

Let's face it, he's hoping for a threesome eventually.

Not necessarily. My husband is turned on by the fact that I have sex with women. It adds to our own relationship because it excites him. He does not expect to be included.