Advice to help me help my 81 year old Mom handle/tolerate life with my 89 year old Dad

[Anonymous]

My Dad has gotten harder and harder to be around. He's very hard of hearing (he does have hearing aids but they're not terribly effective). He speaks loudly and authoritatively. He's had several strokes that have affected his cognition and seemingly intensified his already dominant personality. He is a good man at heart but objectively speaking he would be hard for anyone to live with. My Mom and he have been married 50+ years. She calls me on a regular basis and is usually in some state of distress directly related to my Dad - she is "young" for her age (still very active, still works, gets out on a daily basis, has a nice network of friends). But her home life is getting harder and harder. My Dad wears her down with his opinions (he watches Fox News and is more and more influenced by what they're selling). He wears her down with his timing (he drags his feet and is late to pretty much everything, but most distressing to my mom is that he makes her late to church and to his doctor appointments). He wears her down with his insistence on doing everything his own way (he is self-made, was orphaned during the Depression and is used to doing things the way he wants to - this applies to him taking medicine that should be taken with food on an empty stomach and vice versa, wearing shorts in the winter, etc).

The idea of him changing is pretty much out of the question. I think the strokes have made him more stubborn than ever and even when I speak to him (he respects me and has always listened to me, probably because I am a healthcare professional) he won't adjust.

My question is how to help my mom. I don't live close enough to them to visit often (having someone else in the house for a visit does take the pressure off my Mom to be the one on the other end of his conversations). She sometimes sounds close to tears. She's never been prone to anger and she's extremely kind, but I know she snaps at my Dad and then feels bad about being angry. I usually just try to take the tension down a little, remind her that he's a good person at heart and spend time talking with her - he often picks up the other line though and speaks loudly and starts to take over the conversation.

Does anyone have any advice on how I can help her have an easier home life? Other things I can say to her to help her feel less angry and frustrated? To me this seems like an impossible situation, but I am hopeful that some of you with a higher social IQ can help me. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Would she go to therapy?

[Anonymous]

In-home help. Give her a break a few times a week. Can someone watch him for four hours a day here and there, or something similar? I assume he wouldn't go for going out to an adult day care center or a senior community center. But if he would, those are good options, too.

Can she go to church without him? Or would that cause all kinds of drama?

I'd cut losses on his taking meds and wearing appropriate clothing. I wouldn't want someone fussing to me about that stuff, either.

[Anonymous]

Buy your Mom a cell phone.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Buy your Mom a cell phone.

Good luck!

You know, that's a good point. I don't usually call her on her cell because like most 80 yo's she isn't crazy about technology and has an easier time with the land line. But that's a good piece of advice.

To the other PPs - I do think she should leave him at home, but she's extremely devout in her religion and because she's the one who drives I think she feels like it's her spiritual duty to make sure he goes to church. I think he'd happily stay home (he can't hear the priest anyway) but it would probably stress her out more if he didn't go than if they were simply late.

And therapy - yes she would go. I should see if there's someone who works with older people and their set of issues. Thank you for that advice.

[Anonymous]

Brainstorming here.

Review your Dad's medication to see if there's anything that might mellow him out? It must also be awful for him to be in this state. My mother benefited from...I think it was Cymbalta. She noticed that things didn't bother her like they had before. I may be thinking of something else though, it's been a few years since she died.

If you've already noticed that your mother benefits from having someone else around, why not find a way to increase the frequency? Home visits from healthcare folks may be covered by insurance. Having someone else take over some of your father's care is only part of it, right? Giving your mom that space for herself, the absence of ongoing confrontation---that'd be good, right? Welcome in the clergy that may be available. Also, if you are in a position to get her some alone time by getting her involved in a senior activity---like water therapy, general pt, or something else that may be convincingly non-negotiable---maybe she'd have community and a safe place to receive, rather than constantly giving, giving, giving.

Music is a great help to me. It seems like having music playing in the background mellows out the whole home environment. When things are hectic, I crank up the tunes and it makes everything better. Maybe your mother is similarly inclined? I don't know. But I applaud your efforts here. Good luck finding what works.

[Anonymous]

She should definitely get an aide coming in for four hours a day. They can help with having him eat, take medication, etc. And maybe your mom would feel more comfortable letting him stay home if she knew there was someone there with him.

(Some of thee aides are great. Some are awful. Consider a nanny cam.)

[Anonymous]

1. In-home care. Your mother gets out of the house and has someone else looking after her husband. My MIL has a cook come over twice a day, and the lady also cleans and makes conversation to my impossible FIL.

2. Sending your father to a home. You should research this now because with his strokes at some point you'll have to.

[Anonymous]

For the late thing, set all the clocks in the house forward half an hour or whatever it takes to make him on time.

Definitely call Comfort Keepers or another similar service to give her a break and support.

AARP offer caregiver seminars she might benefit from.

[Anonymous]

An antidepressant could help, if he'd ever agree to it

[Anonymous]

Agree with medication if possible, maybe if at some point you can visit, you can take him to the doctor?

Also, agree with in home help. If he doesn't actually need a nurse, maybe just pay someone to be a companion and listen to him. (Maybe someone conservative and a bit older if he's really that into talking about FOX.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree with medication if possible, maybe if at some point you can visit, you can take him to the doctor?

Also, agree with in home help. If he doesn't actually need a nurse, maybe just pay someone to be a companion and listen to him. (Maybe someone conservative and a bit older if he's really that into talking about FOX.)

+1. See if you can hire someone just to talk with him, play cards, etc. Maybe a volunteer from the church, or someone you could hire for a nominal fee since they don't have to do anything but socialize. More social interaction and variety in his life will probably do him good. Just having an outlet for his conversation will give your mom a break, and even if she's not comfortable leaving the house during that time, she can at least take a little break in another room or get something done without interruptions.

[Anonymous]

Are they Catholic, OP? If so, she should call the parish and see what in home services or ministries there are. A volunteer may be able to come give him communion. Perhaps a priest or a deacon could see him at home. If she felt his spiritual needs were looked after enough, maybe she would feel more comfortable going to church without him.

[Anonymous]

My parents have a similar dynamic, but maybe not so bad. My mom is always telling me how grumpy and unreasonable he is, now that he is old. (I suspect part of it is that she didn't notice it as much when he worked or they were more active and out of the house more.)

I bring them out for visits a few times a year so she can hang out with someone beside him. I wish she still drove so she can go places.

I'm guessing your parents are Catholic. Mine are also very religious Catholics. Maybe if you convinced your mom that he meet's the criteria for being unwell, and therefore not compelled to attend mass weekly, she'd feel better about leaving him and going by herself? The older my parents get, the more generous they are with their definition of "sick" for skipping mass.

Could you get her an ipad so she could facetime with you and the kids? Any maybe preload some fun apps for her? Even something like Duolingo so she could learn a new language?

[Anonymous]

If your parents are Catholic, there is a Catholic Mass broadcast on TV on Sunday mornings for shut-ins by the Archdiocese of Washington, so your mother can have your father watch at home. She should contact their parish office to have someone bring communion to him at home, so then she wouldn't have to get him out. Then she can attend Mass at another time without him.