Reply to Advice to help me help my 81 year old Mom handle/tolerate life with my 89 year old Dad

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[quote=Anonymous]My Dad has gotten harder and harder to be around. He's very hard of hearing (he does have hearing aids but they're not terribly effective). He speaks loudly and authoritatively. He's had several strokes that have affected his cognition and seemingly intensified his already dominant personality. He is a good man at heart but objectively speaking he would be hard for anyone to live with. My Mom and he have been married 50+ years. She calls me on a regular basis and is usually in some state of distress directly related to my Dad - she is "young" for her age (still very active, still works, gets out on a daily basis, has a nice network of friends). But her home life is getting harder and harder. My Dad wears her down with his opinions (he watches Fox News and is more and more influenced by what they're selling). He wears her down with his timing (he drags his feet and is late to pretty much everything, but most distressing to my mom is that he makes her late to church and to his doctor appointments). He wears her down with his insistence on doing everything his own way (he is self-made, was orphaned during the Depression and is used to doing things the way he wants to - this applies to him taking medicine that should be taken with food on an empty stomach and vice versa, wearing shorts in the winter, etc).

The idea of him changing is pretty much out of the question. I think the strokes have made him more stubborn than ever and even when I speak to him (he respects me and has always listened to me, probably because I am a healthcare professional) he won't adjust.

My question is how to help my mom. I don't live close enough to them to visit often (having someone else in the house for a visit does take the pressure off my Mom to be the one on the other end of his conversations). She sometimes sounds close to tears. She's never been prone to anger and she's extremely kind, but I know she snaps at my Dad and then feels bad about being angry. I usually just try to take the tension down a little, remind her that he's a good person at heart and spend time talking with her - he often picks up the other line though and speaks loudly and starts to take over the conversation.

Does anyone have any advice on how I can help her have an easier home life? Other things I can say to her to help her feel less angry and frustrated? To me this seems like an impossible situation, but I am hopeful that some of you with a higher social IQ can help me. Thank you.[/quote]

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