Does your mother or MIL think that you're supposed to make Mother's day about HER?

[Anonymous]

My mother has always been the center of attention in the immediate and extended family. She holds a lot of dinners, makes her house a focal point. We get a lot of guilt about not going much but she's one hour away and this is my family, not hers.

For the fifth year in a row, she's nagging me to spend mother's day with her, at her country club-- which I hate. Every year, she makes reservations without asking me, and then if I try to decline there is a drama. I finally declined last year and had mother's day with my husband and daughter, not another in a litany of tributes to my own mother's needs. As far as I remember, my mother was the focus of Mother's Day when we were little because she was in the process of raising us (as a SAHM). Now she's a spoiling, overbearing grandmother and it's supposed to be about her because she's still alive and still my mother, and I'm apparently not entitled to my own Mother's Day.

Well, she's at it again, once again with her country club so she can show off her grandchild to a bunch of other unbearable people. I'm not going, but I'm wondering-- does this happen in other families? How do you deal with a mother who just doesn't understand that it's your turn to focus on your own family?

[Anonymous]

No one can abuse you without your permission. Set & enforce boundaries. Stand up to the bullies & limit contact.

[Anonymous]

No. This doesn't happen in my family. Both sets of grandparents tend to call me and wish me a happy mothers day (or, I call them) and send cards. One year that my in-laws were in town, we all went together for a lovely brunch with my daughter and both my MIL and I were honored.

[Anonymous]

"We get a lot of guilt about not going much but she's one hour away and this is my family, not hers. "

No one can make you "feel" guilty. It's a choice, always a choice. Is this a real post?

[Anonymous]

Isn't each person supposed to somehow honor his/her mom? Like we do or give something to both my mom and my MIL, and my husband does/gives something to me from him and our kids (they are small, so it's not like they would do it themselves.)

What about just sending your mom a present of flowers, and your husband (and kids) do something for you?

[Anonymous]

Mother's Day doesn't only apply when the mom has young kids. It IS her day too - figuring out some way to recognize her is appropriate but doesn't mean you have to automatically do whatever she wants - especially if it's something she knows you dislike.

[Anonymous]

As the others said, it's her day, too. Once a mother, always a mother.

Perhaps you could invite her to join you in a celebration at your place?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"We get a lot of guilt about not going much but she's one hour away and this is my family, not hers. "

No one can make you "feel" guilty. It's a choice, always a choice. Is this a real post?

Not the OP, but Im so sick of people asking "Is this a real post?" Like it's SOOOO Absurd to have a problem that is common like this.

You need to get out more if you're questioning if this is real.

[Anonymous]

I do not have the same issues or challenges that you do because my mother is no longer alive and my MIL generally is not over-bearing. But it has become expected that we spend Mother's Day weekend at my MIL's house. With the packing up, travel, etc, it feels like a chore and I would so much prefer to chill out with my three young children at home. I don't feel especially close to my MIL and also feel a bit like I should be entitled to "my own Mother's Day." However, I remember something I read titled something like "Ten Things Your MIL Would Like to Tell You" and one of those things was "It means so very much to spend Mother's Day with my son -- thank you." I try to think about how I will feel when my three are grown and have their own children and also hope that our visits are helping to teach our children about respect and appreciation for the elder members of the family. Again, though, my MIL is a nice person and truly does appreciate our visits and I realize that each situation is different depending on the personalities, "boundary issues" and other dynamics involved.

One last comment that I hope isn't too far out of line -- and I know it is such a cliche.

I so wished I had visited my own mother a bit more before she died.

[Anonymous]

YES I know exactly where you are comming from. EVERY holiday is expected to spend with the in-laws. I have stopped going to these gatherings. Maybe you could spend part of the day with mom and the other part with DH and children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"We get a lot of guilt about not going much but she's one hour away and this is my family, not hers. "

No one can make you "feel" guilty. It's a choice, always a choice. Is this a real post?

OP here. Yes, it is a real post. By getting guilt I mean the vernacular sense, of it, when someone tries to make you guilty/does the guilt trip thing. I don't feel guilty, but she berates me and tries to make me feel guilty. Better?

And for the poster who mentioned honoring my mother with card, flower, call-- that's what I would have done, just as we did for my grandmother when I was a kid living with my mother. It makes sense to give them a shout out, but being dragged 50 miles to pay homage to her is not fair or okay.

No one can make me feel guilt, but every year I can expect that what should be a special family day will get side-tracked by these demands-- even though I have told her several times that this is how I feel and I want Mother's day to be with my daughter.

[Anonymous]

My very first Mother's Day, my DH told me that we were going to my MIL's. I was a bit upset, but there were out of town guests and it would have been difficult to decline. My DH insisted that his family wanted us to be there so they could make a BIG day about it for ME. He was so wrong. I don't think anyone even gave me a card. They scheduled the event around my son's naptime, and then when I tried to put him down for a nap at my MIL's house, she went into the room and woke him up. He was so upset, he wouldn't sleep. So I ended up spending Mother's Day driving my son around the neighborhood trying to knock him out. When I got back, not only had they started to eat without me, they didn't even bother to set a place setting for me. It was like I did not exist. I think my DH brought me out a plate (I'm not sure why he didn't insist on a place setting for me, but it possible he just thought he would get up when I go there and i could take his place).

Needless to say, I've never had trouble convincing my DH that I will not be spending Mother's Day with his family after that. I do send my MIL a card and/or gift. And then she calls to thank her son for it.

[Anonymous]

On my first Mother's Day, my MIL used a guilt trip to pressure my DH to go visit his sickly grandparents (even though my MIL knew that other family members were going to be visiting, she didn't tell my DH this and he thought his grandparents really needed him.) I was stuck at home for 6 hours with our sick and crying baby. My MIL never once, even after the fact when DH chewed her out for pushing him to go there, figured out that she ruined my Mother's Day.

For some people, it is always about them and they never focus on the effects of their actions on others. All you can do, as someone else said, is set and reinforce boundaries. If it is important to you to have some focus of a Mother's Day celebration on you, and there is certainly nothing wrong with that, then you just have to keep saying "no" to your mother.

[Anonymous]

Maybe your mom thinks she IS focusing on you - by treating you to the country club, by bragging about how awesome your kids are (her grandkids), by getting to see you again, by buying all the food/effort for nice dinners, etc.

Have you thought of it from that point of view?

Really, if this is the worst, than consider yourself blessed.

If it really bothers you, turn the tables - invite her over for brunch at your place (or meet at a restaurant in between) or celebrate the next weekend or something.

[Anonymous]

I certainly can understand your annoyance but I just wanted to offer another perspective. My mother and I had a strained relationship and I would often have the same frustrations you expressed regarding her expectations for Mother's Day. She passed away recently and now I wish that I had better appreciated how nice it was to have a mother who really wanted to spend the day with you and how much it meant to her. Regardless of her overbearing nature, it probably means a lot to your mother to spend the day with her children.