Does your mother or MIL think that you're supposed to make Mother's day about HER?

[Anonymous]

you know I would reply with

we have plans to do XYZ for mothers day and we would LOVE for you to join us

if she declines so be it

[Anonymous]

OP, what does she say when you suggest something different? Something you would both enjoy that involves her coming to you or meeting somewhere in between?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, what does she say when you suggest something different? Something you would both enjoy that involves her coming to you or meeting somewhere in between?

I'm OP. I don't suggest that she join us because she is completely incapable of being in the room with me without giving me orders and taking over the care of my daughter, whom she hovers over and feeds like an infant even though she's five. When she's around, if I say "daughter, you can't have that until you finish your lunch," she will say "yes you can, sweetheart, go on and have it." I don't get to be a mother when she's in the room, which is bad enough on a normal day but ruins mother's day. I did the country club thing twice with her and it had me so upset for a week that my DH actually told me that we shouldn't spend any time at all for a while.

I don't want to be around her. I am around her at certain times because it's the right thing for the family not to sever ties, but I have to draw the line at mother's day, because I'm the mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what does she say when you suggest something different? Something you would both enjoy that involves her coming to you or meeting somewhere in between?

I'm OP. I don't suggest that she join us because she is completely incapable of being in the room with me without giving me orders and taking over the care of my daughter, whom she hovers over and feeds like an infant even though she's five. When she's around, if I say "daughter, you can't have that until you finish your lunch," she will say "yes you can, sweetheart, go on and have it." I don't get to be a mother when she's in the room, which is bad enough on a normal day but ruins mother's day. I did the country club thing twice with her and it had me so upset for a week that my DH actually told me that we shouldn't spend any time at all for a while.

I don't want to be around her. I am around her at certain times because it's the right thing for the family not to sever ties, but I have to draw the line at mother's day, because I'm the mother.

Ok so this is not about Mother's Day - it's about your relationship with your Mother. Because of course Mother's Day is just one day and it's just as much about her as it is about you.

Have you considered counseling to try and deal with how upset and angry she makes you? I would imagine a good therapist could help you cope with this and maybe come up with some strategies for dealing with her while maintaining a relationship, because you say you still want one.

[Anonymous]

Seems like OP has a variety of issues against her mom--who cares if your mom is overbearing. Do you know how many people have overbearing moms and
MIL and just sort of shrug their shoulders and go on with life. I am in that camp with my mom--she is a diva but you know what..she is alive and I am greatful for that and I know that someday she won't be there. I also know that she is starting to get up in age and is just more vulnerable so I give her bye on her behaviour. Ditto my MIL. Why do you have to be so punitive with her? So what if she spoils the grandkids..that's what grandparents do and it seems like you are just very sensitive. You may not like this but maybe you have some of the same control issues as your mom?? Why else would you get so angry that she has a day to herself and overindulges your kids. You yourself say that you don't see her that often. Look within and relax and laugh about it. It's not that big of a deal unless you make it that way. Also--why the snideness about her being a SAM?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Seems like OP has a variety of issues against her mom--who cares if your mom is overbearing. Do you know how many people have overbearing moms and
MIL and just sort of shrug their shoulders and go on with life. I am in that camp with my mom--she is a diva but you know what..she is alive and I am greatful for that and I know that someday she won't be there. I also know that she is starting to get up in age and is just more vulnerable so I give her bye on her behaviour. Ditto my MIL. Why do you have to be so punitive with her? So what if she spoils the grandkids..that's what grandparents do and it seems like you are just very sensitive. You may not like this but maybe you have some of the same control issues as your mom?? Why else would you get so angry that she has a day to herself and overindulges your kids. You yourself say that you don't see her that often. Look within and relax and laugh about it. It's not that big of a deal unless you make it that way. Also--why the snideness about her being a SAM?

Not everyone wants to be the martyr and subject themselves to abuse. Not everyone wants to have their parenting underminded by their mother. My MIL is like this, but I laid down the law and she does not do it anymore. Of course this is much easier to do wtih your MIL (and supportive husband) than with your own mom who has been controlling your entire life. It is very difficult to stand up to someone who has been an overbearing presence your entire life. People like this make you feel 3 inches tall.

OP-I really think you need to just put your foot down and back off. I would not go to thearapy because of it, I would just tell your mom you already have plans and hold the phone away from your head while she goes on and on and then cut the conversation short saying you've gotta run. She'll eventually get the message, though she will go nuts in the process. If you change your behavior, then you might see hers shift in time if she wants a substantial relationship with her grandkids, which she apparantly does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seems like OP has a variety of issues against her mom--who cares if your mom is overbearing. Do you know how many people have overbearing moms and
MIL and just sort of shrug their shoulders and go on with life. I am in that camp with my mom--she is a diva but you know what..she is alive and I am greatful for that and I know that someday she won't be there. I also know that she is starting to get up in age and is just more vulnerable so I give her bye on her behaviour. Ditto my MIL. Why do you have to be so punitive with her? So what if she spoils the grandkids..that's what grandparents do and it seems like you are just very sensitive. You may not like this but maybe you have some of the same control issues as your mom?? Why else would you get so angry that she has a day to herself and overindulges your kids. You yourself say that you don't see her that often. Look within and relax and laugh about it. It's not that big of a deal unless you make it that way. Also--why the snideness about her being a SAM?

Not everyone wants to be the martyr and subject themselves to abuse. Not everyone wants to have their parenting underminded by their mother. My MIL is like this, but I laid down the law and she does not do it anymore. Of course this is much easier to do wtih your MIL (and supportive husband) than with your own mom who has been controlling your entire life. It is very difficult to stand up to someone who has been an overbearing presence your entire life. People like this make you feel 3 inches tall.

OP-I really think you need to just put your foot down and back off. I would not go to thearapy because of it, I would just tell your mom you already have plans and hold the phone away from your head while she goes on and on and then cut the conversation short saying you've gotta run. She'll eventually get the message, though she will go nuts in the process. If you change your behavior, then you might see hers shift in time if she wants a substantial relationship with her grandkids, which she apparantly does.

Wait, so you are recommending that the OP just deny her mother access to her grandchild and herself with no explanation? This is really sad to me. If her mom's been like this forever she probably doesn't even realize how upsetting her behavior is to her daughter. The "she'll eventually get the message" routine is childish and silly. How about something crazy like "Mom, it is incredibly upsetting to me when I tell Suzy she has to wait until after dinner for dessert and you tell her to go ahead and have dessert. Please don't do that anymore." Repeat as necessary, including as she's actually doing it. Why cry and whine to husband and message boards instead of actually confronting a problem over which you could actually have some control? Don't you hope that one day your own daughter will actually talk to you about issues instead of pretending she's busy and ignoring you?

[Anonymous]

Different poster here. I decided to talk to my mother about the way she treats me, hoping that it would get me somewhere. Instead, she screamed at me and insulted me. My daughter was asleep when it began, but did not stay that way for long. She continued with the screaming and insults until I could finally get away from her. I was driving her when it started. It was not the first time she had done it, I should have known better than to try to sit down and discuss it like adults.

So please, do not assume that every mother can sit down and have a rational conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Different poster here. I decided to talk to my mother about the way she treats me, hoping that it would get me somewhere. Instead, she screamed at me and insulted me. My daughter was asleep when it began, but did not stay that way for long. She continued with the screaming and insults until I could finally get away from her. I was driving her when it started. It was not the first time she had done it, I should have known better than to try to sit down and discuss it like adults.

So please, do not assume that every mother can sit down and have a rational conversation.

Ok, but shouldn't it at least be considered and/or attempted before you go down the silent treatment/avoidance road?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Ok, but shouldn't it at least be considered and/or attempted before you go down the silent treatment/avoidance road?

I don't know. I think most will have an idea of how their mother will react. That experience was awful, really awful. We still talk, but I end the conversation when she starts her shit and I avoid situations that I can't escape quickly. It would probably be more difficult if she had any interest in seeing her grandchild.

[Anonymous]

THAT will be the freakin' day! One year we had two little ones (no sitter yet, never asked MIL because we tend to not ask her for favors - witch!) and asked her to join us at a fancy brunch. The two little ones were getting restless. I was breastfeeding the little one. I didn't get to eat, but MIL enjoyed her brunch. Never again. F* her. It is YOUR day, baby!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Ok, but shouldn't it at least be considered and/or attempted before you go down the silent treatment/avoidance road?

I don't know. I think most will have an idea of how their mother will react. That experience was awful, really awful. We still talk, but I end the conversation when she starts her shit and I avoid situations that I can't escape quickly. It would probably be more difficult if she had any interest in seeing her grandchild.

Exactly. I've gone this route with my mother and no matter how diplomatic I get she fly's off the handle. I've tried this many times and now I practice avoidance. My siblings and I discuss this at length and we have all decided that is is really just so emotionally upsetting to try to have a "heart-to-heart" with mom that we just keep everything superficial and minimal. It is really helpful to have siblings to bounce these things off because then you know you are not being crazy and unreasonable, as we all pretty much have the same outlook.