Does your mother or MIL think that you're supposed to make Mother's day about HER?

[Anonymous]

Not only am I expected to spend Mother's Day with my MIL (my own mom lives further away and somehow understands this ) but it is also my DH's birthday this year! I have to compete with both of them every few years. He gets upset if his bday isn't a big deal too, so forget about even thinking I might get even a card!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do not have the same issues or challenges that you do because my mother is no longer alive and my MIL generally is not over-bearing. But it has become expected that we spend Mother's Day weekend at my MIL's house. With the packing up, travel, etc, it feels like a chore and I would so much prefer to chill out with my three young children at home. I don't feel especially close to my MIL and also feel a bit like I should be entitled to "my own Mother's Day." However, I remember something I read titled something like "Ten Things Your MIL Would Like to Tell You" and one of those things was "It means so very much to spend Mother's Day with my son -- thank you." I try to think about how I will feel when my three are grown and have their own children and also hope that our visits are helping to teach our children about respect and appreciation for the elder members of the family. Again, though, my MIL is a nice person and truly does appreciate our visits and I realize that each situation is different depending on the personalities, "boundary issues" and other dynamics involved.

One last comment that I hope isn't too far out of line -- and I know it is such a cliche.

I so wished I had visited my own mother a bit more before she died.

You strike me as a very kind and dear woman. I'm sure your Mother smiles down at you often.

Have a Happy Mother's Day!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"We get a lot of guilt about not going much but she's one hour away and this is my family, not hers. "

No one can make you "feel" guilty. It's a choice, always a choice. Is this a real post?

OP here. Yes, it is a real post. By getting guilt I mean the vernacular sense, of it, when someone tries to make you guilty/does the guilt trip thing. I don't feel guilty, but she berates me and tries to make me feel guilty. Better?

And for the poster who mentioned honoring my mother with card, flower, call-- that's what I would have done, just as we did for my grandmother when I was a kid living with my mother. It makes sense to give them a shout out, but being dragged 50 miles to pay homage to her is not fair or okay.

No one can make me feel guilt, but every year I can expect that what should be a special family day will get side-tracked by these demands-- even though I have told her several times that this is how I feel and I want Mother's day to be with my daughter.

You're doing great, OP -- half way there. You've decided what's best for your family, so it sounds to me like it's time to follow through rather than wait and hope your mother will choose this year to see the light and stop the pressure to join her at the Country Club.

If it were me, I'd say thanks for the invite, but we've decided to spend Mother's Day at our place, just the three of us. The end. No drawn out explanations or rationales necessary. Of course, she's completely entitled to be upset and disappointed and even angry. And I'm sure she will be. But you're equally entitled to make a choice that works for you.

FWIW, my guess is that there's a part of you that's still hoping this will resolve itself on its own without a conflict or without her being upset/angry etc. It doesn't sound like that's going to happen, so you might as well rip off the band aid. She'll be upset and disappointed and maybe even angry. And then life will go on.

[Anonymous]

We have a similar situation, except it is my MIL and she lives close. She expects us at her house every holiday. Now that it's mothers day, I already booked my OWN brunch at the Ritz (which they would never go with us b/c it is too expensive, they are more of the "Old Country Buffet" people). Luckily my DH is just as annoyed at his mom's constant drama and unsatiable desire to be the center of attention, it is not too difficult to convince him to do our own thing.

As far as drama and guilt, I tune it out. My MIL is all about herself and even though she lives only 15 miles away, she has only come to visit our now 3yr old 5 times, and never babysat, so I have no guilt. She always expects us to go to her house and I'm sick of it.

[Anonymous]

Man, reading these posts (and the disppointed ones after Valentine's Day too) make me so glad we don't celebrate Mother's Day, Father's Day, and Valentine's Day. It just feels too contrived and forced having to do something special because a greeting card company or some other organization says you should. Rise up and free yourselves!! And go out to a nice dinner when YOU want, not when Hallmark says you should.

[Anonymous]

I totally agree with the PP. We don't celebrate any of these days either. One less thing to worry about....

[Anonymous]

I'm with the last two posters. Of course our mothers day is simplified this year by the fact that my DS has 2 soccer games that day, including one an hour away at 9 am. My mother is even less sentimental about Mother's Day than I am. My MIL is another story but travel soccer solves that problem. If you read various posts on this site it is amazing how much stress seems to be caused by these holidays - who buys the gift, what's the gift, where are we going to spend it - not to mention the expense. Maybe it's time to simplify.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not have the same issues or challenges that you do because my mother is no longer alive and my MIL generally is not over-bearing. But it has become expected that we spend Mother's Day weekend at my MIL's house. With the packing up, travel, etc, it feels like a chore and I would so much prefer to chill out with my three young children at home. I don't feel especially close to my MIL and also feel a bit like I should be entitled to "my own Mother's Day." However, I remember something I read titled something like "Ten Things Your MIL Would Like to Tell You" and one of those things was "It means so very much to spend Mother's Day with my son -- thank you." I try to think about how I will feel when my three are grown and have their own children and also hope that our visits are helping to teach our children about respect and appreciation for the elder members of the family. Again, though, my MIL is a nice person and truly does appreciate our visits and I realize that each situation is different depending on the personalities, "boundary issues" and other dynamics involved.

One last comment that I hope isn't too far out of line -- and I know it is such a cliche.

I so wished I had visited my own mother a bit more before she died.

You strike me as a very kind and dear woman. I'm sure your Mother smiles down at you often.

Have a Happy Mother's Day!

Thank you - that is really kind of you.

It is interesting to hear how some don't really celebrate these "holidays" and it does provide food for thought. Perhaps it should be more about how we treat those in our lives on a day-to-day basis and we shouldn't get as sucked into these somewhat (very?) commercialized, "Hallmark holidays." (If I called my MIL on a more regular basis maybe Mother's Day wouldn't be quite as "loaded?" )

[Anonymous]

My mother and mother in law really do not make a big deal out of mother's day. If anything they dote on me. None of us really care at all. My older son always makes me an awesome card and sometimes we get dinner or lunch. Other than that it's not a big deal. Of course this year I'll have just given birth so I went ahead and sent mom, mil, and two sets of grandma's flowers from Red Envelope to celebrate.

[Anonymous]

For me I think mother's day is also about my mom, and I enjoy spending time with her. We get to get flowers and congratulations from husband and dad, and i just like it. We also spend christmas with DH's parents or mine, and even though sometimes i think i would enjoy having our christmas on our own, we still go there, I guess by inertia. If it does not feel good to you, just don't do it.

[Anonymous]

When I was a child my mom used to leave for the weekend that contained mother's day. We did not celebrate with her for years. My MIL is definitely the high drama, make a big deal over me, it's all about me type. We now have my daughter and husband go to breakfast with MIL while I sleep in. I spend the day with my daughter and husband. If we are cooking, we have my mom and dad over. If we are going out, we don't see them b/c my mom does not like crowds. I buy both my MIL and mom a present and we also do cards.

[Anonymous]

Gosh when I see posts like this I think--my I hope my daughter doesn't say this kind of stuff about me someday. For me, I have mothers day brunch with my MIL every other year and the in between years I go to my moms house. I figure I am fairly new to the mom game so I like the focus on the ladies who have been in the mom game for well over 40 years. I am wondering how old OP is since a lot of the real nasty posts seem to come from the younger generation..sad. By the way..my mom and my MIL can definitely be a piece of work but I give them a break since I know that they may be a bit lonely. And yes I don't have to do anything but sometimes in life doing the right thing feels right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Gosh when I see posts like this I think--my I hope my daughter doesn't say this kind of stuff about me someday. For me, I have mothers day brunch with my MIL every other year and the in between years I go to my moms house. I figure I am fairly new to the mom game so I like the focus on the ladies who have been in the mom game for well over 40 years. I am wondering how old OP is since a lot of the real nasty posts seem to come from the younger generation..sad. By the way..my mom and my MIL can definitely be a piece of work but I give them a break since I know that they may be a bit lonely. And yes I don't have to do anything but sometimes in life doing the right thing feels right.

I am the OP, I am 37, and there was nothing nasty about my post. There is something nasty about saying that a total stranger must be young and nasty because she's finding her mother overly pushy.

If you and your daughter build a good relationship, and you do not expect to be the center of her world when she is a new mother, and constantly require her to travel to you without reciprocating or understanding when she draws a line, she probably won't speak that way about you. But my mother is not a good mother like that. She never was, which is one reason that driving an hour to be in her social circle is a chore in the first place.

Lucky, lucky you for not coming from a home like this. But you are not nicer than me. In fact, you've just been very hurtful.

You seem to be lucky enough to have a nice, supportive mother and mother-in-law. I do not. My life has been made very hard by the constant demands, and I would like one holiday per year that is not a pilgrimmage to pay attention to her. Yes, she has been a mother for 40 years (I have an older brother) but she has not had to do any work as a mother since I left home at age 17. In fact, since that time, all of the work in that relationship has been on my part, dragging myself to her events and getting handed grief if I miss even one.

She has friends, she doesn't have to balance work and a young child, and she sees her granddaughter fairly frequently. Going to her country club might be "doing the right thing" if she were widowed, 90 years old, and lonely, or if we never went to any of her all-about-me events.

I frankly wonder why I ever get on these boards-- people are so judgmental, there's really no point.

[Anonymous]

I don't spend Mother's day with my own mother because she lives in Florida. I do typically go to MILs house for family get togethers. Dad was out of town on Mother's day last year and I made other plans because of family drama that was going on. MIL called me and asked me to drop off my daughter at her house. I said nicely that we had some things planned to do together. She seemed very surprised. I'm not sure if it was telling her no or that we made plans that surprised her. I was a little offended.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Gosh when I see posts like this I think--my I hope my daughter doesn't say this kind of stuff about me someday. For me, I have mothers day brunch with my MIL every other year and the in between years I go to my moms house. I figure I am fairly new to the mom game so I like the focus on the ladies who have been in the mom game for well over 40 years. I am wondering how old OP is since a lot of the real nasty posts seem to come from the younger generation..sad. By the way..my mom and my MIL can definitely be a piece of work but I give them a break since I know that they may be a bit lonely. And yes I don't have to do anything but sometimes in life doing the right thing feels right.

In case you did not get the memo, not all mothers are created the same.

When my grandfather would come home drunk, my grandmother would lock herself and her other daughter and throw my mom out in the living room as "bait" to be raped by her own dad. Does my mom celebrate mother's day with her mother? No.

Poster, you have no idea what people have endured growing up, just because you can spread your legs and squirt a baby out does not automatically make you a good mother worthy of respect. Respect is earned. Your children will want to be around you if you are a good mother.